


Losing the Fight

by HadenXCharm



Category: Bleach
Genre: Abduction, Abuse, Angst, Comfort, Confessions, Dark, Horror, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Non-Consensual, Psychological Trauma, Rape, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Romance, Serious Injuries, Tragedy, Unrequited Love, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-05
Updated: 2014-06-27
Packaged: 2018-01-22 02:46:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 13
Words: 41,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1573271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HadenXCharm/pseuds/HadenXCharm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Ikkaku and Yumichika face off against an Arrancar that literally embodies their worst nightmares, what will they do? Will they realize in time, the true way to destroy the cause of their sufferings, or will they be tortured endlessly by the idea that 'fear never dies?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"DIE, YOU BASTAAAARD!"

Kenpachi rolled his eyes as his san-seki ripped through a hollow a bit too enthusiastically. Sure, he was showing proper Eleventh-division spirit, but it was a little over dramatic. He would have to tell him later to stop fighting with his shirt off, and maybe to knock off that stupid yellin'. Ah well, you couldn't really tell he was shirtless anymore, what with the way he was drenched in his own blood. His skin was hardly visible at this point.

Now that he thought on it, Ikkaku always started out with his uniform intact... Truth be told, their division had by far the largest laundry bill: larger than all the other divisions combined and then some. Kenpachi scratched at the base of his neck. Why would that be?

He'd have to put in a word with the Sou-taichou about armor. He cocked his head to the side, surveying the fighting Eleventh-squad, wondering why no one had thought of that before. Dishonorable maybe?

 _'Eh, same as that 'no-kidou-allowed' shit. Who gives a fuck. Strong is strong.'_  Still though, what's with the no-armor policy? It's not like the samurai hadn't had armor...

' _Screw honor if it makes the fights lame. It sucks ta' be dead..'_  He grimaced.  _'Or is that double-dead? Whatever, you can't fight or drink once ya' get killed.'_

Ikkaku Madarame let out another cry, "Nobiro, Hozukimaru!", as he extended his zanpakutou into its yari form.

"Idiot bastard sunuvabitch," Kenpachi mumbled to himself as Ikkaku slammed his blade down into the mask of the large hollow he was fighting.

Zaraki grinned in spite of himself though as he caught sight of the mad smile stuck on Madarame's face. Even when his body was one gigantic cut, he still managed to enjoy himself, grin reaching almost to his ears. Madarame was a man after his own heart, and would probably end up giving him a run for his money one of these days.

"Dumb shit."

"Go, go, Pachinko-head!" Yachiru giggled, zipping in and out of the lower ranked Eleventh squad members, making a jagged trail to Kenpachi. Kenpachi immediately began to fight better with her familiar weight on his shoulders.

"Sakero, Hozukimaru!" Ikkaku shouted, laughing as his yari split into three pieces and tore through the neck of a hollow-underling with a lethal slice.

"Ikkaku, pay attention!" Yumichika called to him, shihakusho whirling around him as Fuji Kujaku raked through a low-ranked hollow's face. The fifth-seat jumped deftly over the spiny tail that had been whipped at his legs. It was amazing how well his hair stayed in place, and had anyone bothered to look, they would've seen a sick pleasure glittering in Yumichika's eyes, which found beauty even in battle.

Ikkaku spat on the ground, wiping blood from his eye with his wrist. Then he cracked his neck, muscles in his bare back flexing in a way that Yumichika thought was just wonderfully masculine. Yep, he was still gay. "Hah! Shut up, Yumi, I'm paying attention just fine-"

"Look out, Ikkaku!" Yumichika screeched, looking like he had barely stopped himself from whipping around and pointing wildly like a child. An Arrancar crept up behind Ikkaku, sword drawn. Ikkaku swore at Yumichika harshly, telling him to quit being so concerned.

"Look out, yourself, Chika, Chika!" Yachiru called from her place on her Ken-chan's back, sounding all too happy as the Arrancar advanced on them both. She rested her chin on her little hands, grinning widely at the pair of them. The other squad member's still couldn't tell who was more bloodthirsty: their Captain, or their Vice Captain.

"Ey' you guys, Kuchiki's callin' us to the west end. Go-seki n' san-seki, stay here and keep the perimeter secure till I get back," Kenpachi shouted at the two, "and don't you dare lose! That's an order!"

"Hai, Taichou!" Yumichika ran his fingers through his hair, wiping black blood from his zanpakutou's blades onto the grass.

"You got it!" Ikkaku scratched at a minor wound, ignoring the rest of his gashes. He didn't take his slitted eyes off of the Arrancar, which hadn't moved from the other side of the clearing after it had first been spotted.

Zaraki shouted to the rest of the still-fighting Eleventh squad, "Alright you lot, with me- We're escortin' the Fourth squad healers over to Byakuya-'hime-sama'. When we get over there, pick two or three of them and follow Yachiru and me. If they get any injuries, yull' be gettin' a matching set from me. Get it?"

Just to make sure the message got through, he threw in another shouted command for good measure, "Under no circumstances should a scratch come to any of the squirts, understood? Not one scratch."

Kenpachi had gained a strange sort of respect for the Fourth Division after Ichigo had busted in and made friends with Hanatarou; the older squad members had even gone so far as to term the abrupt change in demeanor as 'hell week'. The Eleventh division quickly made the connection between the strenuous training sessions that the captain put on every time a fourth-squad member was found beaten up.

Everyone knew that Kenpachi would always side with Ichigo on anything. Ichigo might not know it, what with the way Zaraki tried to kill him every time they met, but some even thought that Zaraki considered them friends,  _best_  friends. It took a hell of a lot to gain that kind of respect from the Demon of the Rukongai, and the ryoka had done it without even trying.

Of course Zaraki's respect was his squad's respect as well, and although they didn't quite understand it, they quickly adapted, and cut back on the amount of punches they threw towards the little pipsqueaks.

Still, Kenpachi went on, knowing how hard-headed these guys could be. He did admit that it was kind of weird to do a one-eighty turn-around like that, so he made it crystal clear for them.

"You are to make yourself into a bodyshield if you have to. Not a single fucking hit to any of 'em or I'll kill ya' myself. Got it?" 'Kill ya' myself' usually meant, toilet duty for a month, probably after getting your head shoved into the toilet. Not to mention extra training.

"Hai, Taichou!" the rest of the squad shouted, quickly departing when their Captain turned and jetted away with shunpo.

* * *

Yumichika and Ikkaku were rather bewildered when the remaining hollows they were fighting were abruptly blown to pieces by a large blast of unfamiliar reiatsu.

Every hollow in the clearing burst into clouds of dust, blood, and various body parts, and suddenly the forest was empty and quiet, save for the distant sounds of battle. On the other edge of the trees stood the Arrancar, who drew his energy back in, finally moving towards them a few steps.

"Annoying aren't they? Heh." The hairs on Yumichika's neck stood up. He knew immediately that something was wrong.

' _That voice..._ '

"It seems that I've got you two alone now... Your comrades left at the perfect moment," the Arrancar said quietly, a small smile twisting his lip. He wasn't very big, taking the appearance of a young man with shoulder-length black hair and a mask that hid both his eyes from sight. The mask itself had horns and rather reminded Yumichika of a kabuki. His visible skin was as white as his uniform, and he had very spidery fingers. "What  _luck.._." He clucked the 'K' sound, eyeing Ikkaku suggestively. He turned his face to one side, baring his paper white jaw.

Ikkaku stiffened, going eerily quiet. Yumichika tucked his chin down, as creeped out as his long-time friend.

_'How does he know?... How does he know about Ikkaku's lucky dance? No, no, it must be a coincidence. That's the only explanation... Still, it's rather chilling.'_

The moment he drew his attention back, it started talking again, as if it knew it had an audience. "Yes, very lucky... I hardly had to do a thing to get you alone." He gave another small smile, seeming to be amused. Yumichika got the distinct expression that _he_  had been the one to sabotage Kuchiki-Taichou's forces.

Dark shadows flitted down the Arrancar's face, giving the appearance of long dark furrows in his cheeks, rather like Urahara's racoon eyes but so much more unsettling. Something glittered under his horned mask... something sinister.

"But you are alone all the same..."

Yumichika shifted onto his right foot nervously and then back to the left. He didn't like the sound of that voice; not at all. Sure, it was quiet and gentle, but it was oily and slimy, making him feel ill at ease. He edged closer to Ikkaku until he was right next to him. Next to Ikkaku he felt competent, confident, and protected, because even though Madarame was bleeding profusely from his many wounds and was panting heavily, he was still grinning...

Grinning like there wasn't a chance that he would die today.

"'M not sure I like that..." Ikkaku nudged Yumichika behind him with his shoulder, still grinning, never removing his eyes from the Arrancar. He flexed his arms in preperation, tightening his grip on Hozukimaru. Yumichika backed away as Ikkaku lowered in a battle stance, widening his feet.

Yes, he would let Ikkaku have this enemy. Ikkaku hadn't acknowledged aloud that he wanted this one for himself, but Yumichika knew without being told at this point. Usually he was content in letting Ikkaku have his fun, but this time his gut tightened up, telling him to do something to stop them.

He had a bad feeling about this... a very bad feeling. He half-raised a hand to Ikkaku's back, wanting to...

He didn't know what he wanted.

Yumichika snatched his free hand back to his chest just before he touched Ikkaku's shoulder. The third seat moved Yumichika fully behind him with his arm, still panting and sweating from exertion. Maybe Ikkaku could also sense that this wouldn't be a normal fight, but still, he didn't seem to want to back down.

"Ikkaku, maybe we-" Yumichika's voice died in his throat. He didn't know if Ikkaku could win this fight, but he knew better than to offer help. Urging Ikkaku to be cautious would just make him sound as if he were doubting his abilities. He wanted to warn Ikkaku... but what of? He wanted to turn back, but why?

"Stay back, Yumi," Ikkaku mumbled, a strange sound to his voice, something Yumichika had only heard a few times.

His heart clenched for a moment as Ikkaku moved in front of him, shielding him from view with his heaving bloody chest. Guilt and regret welled up inside him for the millionth time.

"Aren't you going to start talking? You Arrancar types always like to boast about your abilities. Unbeautiful if you ask me," Yumichika spoke with a confidence that he didn't feel.

"Oh no... I don't have much to say." The Arrancar tipped his head to Yumichika. "I have no name or number." He smiled, going on a little, "I existed long before the late Aizen-sama rose to power... You could say I'm... an exception." He rolled his head about on his shoulders. "Specialll..."

"Heh, Not interested anyway." Ikkaku smirked, finally having caught his breath. "I don't care about who ya' are, or what ya' can do. I just care about beatin' ya'."

The Arrancar immediately gave a dark laugh.

"Hmm, I see. Well, there's no point giving a monologue then, is there? We can get started right away... What is it that you fear?" Yumichika froze up; that voice was like slime, climbing up and down his spine like horrible spiders. "Your _greatest_  fear?"

He began to feel vaguely ill, right in the pit of his stomach. Something was wrong. They needed to get out of here.

This wasn't a normal Arrancar.

His hand immediately went to his pocket, feeling for his denrei shinki. Part of him thought of calling for backup, but most of him was stuck in the moment, staring back at that creep.

"I don't fear anythin'," Ikkaku said confidently with a laugh, all too obviously thinking of methods of pain and other forms of violence, disgusting bugs, or embarrassing scenarios, none of which he was afraid of. Yumichika shook his head mournfully. His wonderfully simple friend... No secrets, no guilt... Everything was always so simple.

_'Ikkaku, There are things so much worse than that... You fight, but you don't know real pain, do you?'_

"Now,  _fight me!"_

Yumichika shook his head with an exasperated smile. Not everything could be solved with a fight, and Ikkaku still hadn't learned that.

"Hmm," the thing laughed. "Oh, my dear. Everyone fears something, even if they aren't aware of it. It doesn't have to be something you actively avoid, just something that would scare you horribly were it to happen... Now why don't you tell me what it is? It'll be our secret." He tilted his head to the side, eyes hidden beneath the shade of his mask.

"Teme! Fight me, already." Ikkaku brandished Hozukimaru, beginning to circle the enemy like a shark.

"I don't think I will... I'm interested now." A white hand with long nails slid over the painted blade it held, running its thumb along the bright edge. It looked like a sashimi knife with a sword's handle. "Tell me your deepest fear, so that I may grant you it... My dear." He gave the tiniest smirk.

"Fuck o-"

It happened quicker than lightning.

The young man had Ikkaku on his back, foot planted on his chest. His appearance was deceiving. He looked light, but his foot had dug Ikkaku down into the solid dirt by at least two inches, and he was continuing to sink. It didn't look like the guy was pressing very hard at all, but Ikkaku's breath still rattled in his chest from strain.

Yumichika gasped, hand tensing on the grip of his sword, but still he knew better than to interfere. Ikkaku would never let it go if he ever got involved in his battles, and he had to respect that. He  _would_  respect that, at least until it came to the point of Ikkaku's certain death.

Yumichika remembered Ikkaku's battle against Zaraki back in the Rukongai and the fight with Poww at fake Karakura, and his heart shook in fear. He knew he wouldn't be able to hear his best friend ask for death again. He knew that if it came to that, if it came to Ikkaku being defeated, he wouldn't be able to sit idly by this time. He would save him, even at the cost of their friendship.

Even at the cost of his own life.

Ikkaku whipped his sword up to block the oncoming blade just in time. The san-seki's arm was straining under the force, but the Arrancar looked bored and disappointed, as he obviously had to put in almost no effort to keep his blade in place.

Ikkaku grunted, throwing up his other arm to keep the crossed blades from coming towards his chest. The Arrancar tilted its head forward, grinning sassily. "Naaaa, if you keep sliding them around like that, you'll scratch the paint, my dear."

"Uru...sai!" Sweat was beading on Ikkaku's already drenched forehead. Yumichika bounced anxiously on the balls of his feet.

"Hmm-" That little laugh he kept giving was hitting Yumichika harder every time. It was as intimidating as Zaraki Kenpachi's, as sinister as Kurotsuchi Mayuri's, and as unsettling as Ichimaru Gin's. It didn't seem like it was phasing Ikkaku more than annoyance, but it was leaving Yumichika deeply shaken. He felt as though the man were laughing over their corpses.

"Here we are... Let me see you." The young man leaned forward, leaving their arms in the same place. He reached his free hand over his head from the very top.

He curled his fingers around the spined visor he was wearing to cover his eyes and pulled it up, revealing horrible blank yellow eyes- No, they couldn't even really be called eyes. There were no whites or pupils; just blank yellow orbs. "Let me see insiiiide..." The eyes rotated one hundred and eight degrees in their sockets, revealing a large black hole that kept spinning into view over and over as the eyes kept rolling.

After Yumichika's stomach had twisted itself into a knot, the eyes stopped sharply:, leaving them looking like glowing yellow beams.

Yumichika was absolutely horrified, watching as Ikkaku's arm was suddenly forced down by a few inches. This had turned against his best friend the moment those glowing eyes had made contact. Ikkaku was no longer wearing a determined expression; he looked absolutely terrified, mouth open, eyes wide and panicked.

The fifth seat glanced back and forth between Ikkaku and those horrible eyes, the two rapidly coming closer together as Ikkaku's arm shook under the pressure. He couldn't see what Ikkaku was seeing, what was scaring his normally brave best friend so badly and keeping him from moving.

The sides of the enemy's mouth cracked and extended almost off his cheeks in a terrifying smile as the blank eyes stared directly at the san-seki beneath him. Ikkaku had frozen up and was shaking horribly, unable to tear his gaze away.

That grin didn't stop growing; it just kept getting bigger and more amused. "Oh... Oh, really?... How disappointing. Someone like you holds that as their greatest fear? I was expecting something so much more... spectacular. This is just...  _pathetic,_  really-"

The Ikkaku that Yumichika knew would  _never_  stand for someone to call him pathetic.

Ikkaku did not snap out of it like Yumichika expected him to. He didn't blink and slam his sword upwards in response to the insult. He just shook beneath him, eyes as wide as the yellow ones staring down at him. The go-seki had never seen his friend so afraid. For Ikkaku to be this scared, there had to be something wrong. The Arrancar was cheating; it wasn't fighting honorably.

Yumichika's shoulders shook with rage and fear, and finally he couldn't control himself any longer. He would rather Ikkaku be angry with him for eternity than continue to look so helpless there, to stay with that expression of utter terror.

The whimper that loosed itself from Ikkaku as the foot on his chest bore down harder caused something to break loose inside of Yumichika, and suddenly his self control was gone. Screw letting Ikkaku fight his own battles.

" _Stop it!"_  Yumichika screamed, whipping Fuji Kujaku at the Arrancar's exposed back, vocalizing his rage. To his dismay, he was already gone, all the way back near the edge of the trees. He was just standing there, head down, shoulders shaking.

As Yumichika helped the disoriented entranced Ikkaku to his feet, he realized that the Arrancar was  _laughing_. It was horrible, hysterical, mad laughter, and the more he laughed, the more his spirit energy grew, until it was taller than the trees, frying a large circle of grass around the place where he was standing. The reiatsu formed into an unsteady vortex, reaching higher and higher until finally the sky itself seemed to crack and split apart above them. Lightning spread out in all directions. The Arrancar's mask extended into twisted horns, and his teeth sharpened and grew in length; He was horrible.

"Hmm-" A gentle laugh was heard, and the Arrancar raised his hand to his mouth and whispered; Somehow Yumichika and Ikkaku both heard it like it was spoken directly into their ears, "Akumu no Kuro."

Thin black lips blew into the hand, almost like they were blowing a kiss. Dark dust flew into the air and hung there, like paint in water, swirling and twisting and forming itself into a human shape.

"Yume wo mite..."

Yumichika could no longer ignore the way Ikkaku was shaking; horrible, weak, helpless shaking. His mouth was open, and his eyes were wide and were glued to the swirling dust. Yumichika laid a tentative hand on his friend's shoulder, but he wasn't acknowledged.

Ikkaku was in his own world.

The smoke formed from the bottom up, the familiar feet and uniform of a shinigami wisping into being as it walked. It built itself upwards, the familiar orange arm guard and collar, the familiar face blooming before Ikkaku's blank eyes.

It was a doll, a life-sized doll that moved and breathed, as beautiful as the real thing, and it was looking imploringly at Ikkaku.

It walked towards Ikkaku with an outstretched hand, eyes wide. Its lips moved, and Ikkaku crumpled, knees buckling. Air passed through its open mouth, mouthing words that Yumichika couldn't hear.

Yumichika wasn't very good at lip-reading, but he knew that Ikkaku could hear whatever the doll was saying.

"Naite," was whispered by the Arrancar. Immediately the doll shook its head, a panicked look coming over it as a tear rolled down its cheek. A tortured breath left Ikkaku. He looked absolutely devastated, watching the tear fall as he raised his hand like he wanted to stop it and wipe it off.

"Hm," the Arrancar laughed, before whispering, "Scream... Hikyuu."

He grinned wickedly and stabbed the tip of his sword into Yumichika's doll-self, shoving it wetly through bone and flesh through its back and out the chest. He didn't stop there, still slamming the blade down until the body was pinned to the ground on the other side, forced to kneel.

Air left the body as its arms lifted, scrabbling at its bleeding chest in slow sluggish motion, gripping weakly at the thick painted blade sticking it to the ground. Its face was a mask of horror, tears slicking its cheeks. The Arrancar's foot slammed down on the doll's shoulder, forcing the blade to shred its flesh.

" _Scream_ , my dear." The blade twisted, and the doll stilled, head flopping forward limply.

And Ikkaku fell to his knees, Hozukimaru dropping with a clang as his arms shook uncontrollably. Trembling fingers were held to his face, breath coming through them shakily for a moment. Then he screamed into his hands in absolute agony, unable to close his eyes to Yumichika's dead bleeding body.

After taking another audibly shaky breath, Ikkaku screamed louder and didn't stop.

Yumichika stood there, not knowing what to do, heart thumping like crazy in his chest. In fact, he had never been at more of a loss. He didn't know what he was watching exactly.

He was getting scared. He'd  _never_  heard Ikkaku scream like that. Battle cries were so much different than these pained and desperate cries.

The Arrancar seemed to fade from his vision as he watched Ikkaku crawl forwards, struggling to pull the sword from the doll's bleeding chest with shaking arms and drop it to the side.

That horrible smile kept growing as the Eleventh squad's third seat took the limp form into his arms and held it to his chest, wrapping his whole body around it.

Ikkaku was muttering hysterically and checking the doll's body all over, hands fluttering over the gigantic hole in its chest. Blood was covering his hands.

"You're gonna be okay. We'll get you a doctor and you'll be all right. Stay with me." His voice rose hysterically the longer he talked, growing more and more choked.

Yumichika knelt close to Ikkaku's shaking form as he tucked the doll's face into his neck and rubbed its back. Yumichika had never been touched like that by Ikkaku before, and he wondered if Ikkaku would truly react in such a way to his death.

He set his hand on Ikkaku's shoulder, patting slightly, looking at him closely.

_'Does he know I'm here?'_

"Please, Taichou will be here soon and we'll get you a healer, just don't give up on me, Yumi. Please stay awake, don't leave me, you have to fight. Please, please, just until the fourth gets here. I'll fix you up, and you'll be okay, you'll see, it'll all be fine-"

"SHUT UP!" That smile was manic as his voice finally lost its calm soft composure. "He's  _dead_ , don't you  _see?!_ "

" _NOO!_ " Ikkaku shrieked, body jerking. He shook the corpse once by the upper arms before hugging it tightly around the middle, burying his face in its shoulder. He kept screaming and wailing hysterically, begging Yumichika to open his eyes.

"Ugoke."

The doll jerked in Ikkaku's arms, rising, blood still spilling from its chest. Its eyes were yellow, and they were trapping Ikkaku to it. Its head snapped backwards with a sharp crack, rolling about on its shoulders, coming back up with the most hideous, horrific smile Yumichika had ever seen.

Its sharp nails grasped Ikkaku's throat and squeezed. "Speak," the Arrancar ordered, and the doll obeyed, coming close to Ikkaku's.

With Yumichika's voice it said softly but cruelly, "What good is your strength if you couldn't save me?"

That was the moment the go-seki knew that Ikkaku was breaking inside, because the light left his eyes and his horror turned to despair.

"I'm dead... Why am I dead, Ikkaku? Is it your fault? I think so."

As Yumichika watched, the doll's smile unzipped, body crumpling, revealing an Adjuchas that was much too large to have fit in that body without the aid of some foul magic.

He blinked, as if coming out of a trance. Ruri'iro Kujaku was shouting irritably in his ear, flustered with concern. Yumichika cursed himself; He should've attacked the Arrancar while he had the chance. Why? Why hadn't he moved?!

There was a spiked shell and snapping fangs, long sharp tentacles that were waving wildly. It was a white dragon with a deep voice. On the front-most spike , the doll's body was speared, flopping limply, eyes closed.

Ikkaku stood there, blinking up at the monster towering over him. Reiatsu blasted over the clearing, causing leaves to whip wildly around Ikkaku's still form, rustling Yumichika's hair around his face.

Yumichika stumbled back as he heard something he never would have expected. Ikkaku guarded his secret carefully and would never risk having it revealed to anyone important, not with the other squads fighting near them. He would never reveal it, no matter what, right? He wouldn't let his secret slip for  _his_  sake, would he?

Ikkaku seemed terribly small as the huge hollow shrieked and continued to grow further upwards into the sky. The doll, charged with the massive reiatsu, opened it eyes, which were wide and yellow. Blood bubbled from its mouth.

_"BANKAIII!"_

Yumichika never wanted to hear Ikkaku's voice crack like that ever again.


	2. Chapter 2

"Now that I have you to myself, let's go somewhere more secluded," the young man whispered in Yumichika's ear, the gentle tone contrasting sharply with the strong grip on the fifth-seat's wrist and neck. He left deep bruises on Yumichika's throat with one hand and held Fuji Kujaku's blades away from him with the other.

Yumichika's breath rasped in his throat, and he had no choice but to be towed along with the Arrancar. With every slight stumble, his airway was jolted shut by his own clumsiness. His eyesight was growing a bit fuzzy and dark around the edges, and he drew in his air in gasps until the Arrancar loosened his grip a bit.

His limbs tingled, and his body grew warm with new blood. The distant roars of Ikkaku's battle were growing fainter and fainter. Yumichika was still stunned at how Ikkaku had begun to fight... not with enjoyment, but with desperation.

The Arrancar's mask hadn't been pulled back down over those eyes, and they glowed slightly in the dark of the forest around them. The young man had a pleasant look on his face and was humming a dreary little tune to harmonize with the wet crunch of leaves and grass beneath their feet.

Yumichika didn't know whether or not he had this attitude to lull him into a false sense of security or something, but he didn't let his guard down and he hadn't missed the fact that the Arrancar hadn't even bothered to go back for its sword. This frightened him, and Yumichika didn't like it.

' _He doesn't need his sword to kill me... Does he...'_ Yumichika shook his head to himself. ' _He's taking me away to kill me. He's going to take me where no one will find me, and kill me.'_

The Arrancar hummed lightheartedly, and he truly no longer seemed sinister at all. His eyes were wide and childish and his smile was genuine. Yumichika had always had a  _beautifully_ high EQ, and he could tell that the Arrancar was being genuinely friendly.

' _If not to kill me, then why?'_  Yumichika knew all too well that there were far worse things than death. Perhaps Ikkaku didn't know that, but he,  _he did._

 _'So what, what on earth could make Ikkaku so afraid?'_ Yumichika dug his heels into the ground. ' _No. It doesn't matter if he's friendly or not. He's not your friend. He's here to kill you.'_ His feet slid over the wet grass and mud, unable to get any traction.

"What... did you do... to Ikkaku," Yumichika choked out, eyes watering from lack of air, "to... make him like that?" He could still hear Ikkaku screaming and wailing as he fought the gigantic Adjuchas dragon back in the clearing. He had never thought such sounds of anguish could come from his afterlife-long friend.

' _For me... He's like this for_ me.  _Losing me is his greatest fear..._ ' He wanted to dwell on that thought for longer, but didn't allow himself to hope.

"Fear makes one irrational... Don't you think?" The Arrancar smiled. "Hmm," he laughed. "Come this way," he said enthusiastically, not giving Yumichika a choice in the matter, simply hauling him by the neck.

He bent down into Yumichika's face as they settled near a tree. The Arrancar brushed the Fifth seat's hair out of his face and held his jaw in place with a frighteningly strong hand. He touched their noses together, smiling gently.

"Now... Why don't you tell me your fear, my sweet?" He spoke in a kind manner. Sweet breath hit Yumichika's nose.

Yumichika just blinked, taken aback. "I don't..." His voice died in his throat. His sword was wrenched from his hand, and he was held in place with the Arrancar's knee.

The glow of those yellow eyes shone upon him as he was smiled at. "Oh, everyone has one, just think about it for a while..." His hands roamed gently over Yumichika's shoulders in a soothing manner as he talked to him calmly. "It doesn't even have to be something that might actually happen... It doesn't have to be rational... Just something that would drive you absolutely mad, scare the life out of you..."

Then he smiled sweetly, his voice still gentle. "Break your... spirit." His smile was sinister for a fraction of a moment. Yumichika's eyes lowered slowly, feeling those pale hands rub his shoulders.

'. _.. My greatest fear... Having my secrets revealed... I'd die before letting them be known. Compared to living through that pain, death would be a blessing.'_

"You won't tell me? There's no need to be shy." He smiled like he was smitten, tipping his forehead onto Yumichika's. Icy fingers trailed over his chest, and although it was outside of his clothes, he felt it like an icecube wetly sliding over his skin and burning him. "Your  _secrets_ are safe with me."

Yumichika's violet eyes flew open wide. ' _How did he...'_

"No? Are you embarrassed?"

Yumichika closed his eyes and swallowed. He knew from years and years of battle to never take your eyes off of your enemy, but he just couldn't take that gaze any more. A wave of heat swept over him as the illness in the pit of his stomach began to creep through him. He broke out in a cold sweat.

"Oh, you are, I see. That's all right, my sweet. I won't laugh at you." He felt a soft forehead press to his. "Let me see you."

His eyes blinked open, and his entire body went into shock. Glowing teal-colored eyes, the same color as the vines of his shikai, stared directly at him. There was nothing but this color; it was swallowing him. He could see  _nothing_ but these eyes. He was trapped in this gaze, unable to move. Immediately visions flooded him, visions of events that had never happened, but they felt like dreams, like memories.

It was what he had obsessively worried over, things he had tried everything to prevent from happening, things he never wanted to be in his memories.

* * *

_"Someone tell me this is a joke."_

_"No... He's really dead. He left Yachiru to you two."_

* * *

_"'Love ya, Rangiku."_

_"You're pretty cute, Ikka-chu. Gimme' a kiss."_

* * *

_"I toldja' I was too strong to be stuck here with ya', Yumichika. Look who made Captain."_

_"I... I'm sure Kira-kun will love to have you."_

* * *

_"Rangiku! Rangiku, No!"_

_"Damn... No way.."_

_"Where is she?! What happened to her! Look, there's blood on the wall!"_

_"Yumichika, calm down!"_

_"NO! I know what's happened! I know- Listen to me!"_

_"Yumi- calm down, breathe!"_

_"I knew Ichimaru would come back for her!"_

* * *

_"You said I could tell you anything and that you wouldn't be angry!"_

_"Not somethin' like that,_ Fuck _, you're disgusting!"_

_"Ikkaku, listen, please! Nothing has to change-"_

_"Get away from me! I knew you were a faggot, but this?! I thought you knew the meaning of boundaries!"_

_"Ikkaku,_  please!"

_"No! Shut up, you're... You're sick."_

_"Please..."_

_"You can take your little crush and fuck yourself with it."_

* * *

Yumichika shook, horrified gasps escaping him erratically. The short memories became contingent upon each other and played in order, like a story. He could feel his spirit diminishing.

No, it just couldn't be. He'd die, he'd  _die_  before he let this happen.

* * *

_"Woah..."_

_"Oh no..."_

_"How long have you been hiding that?"_

_"Please, please Shuuhei-kun, don't tell anyone."_

_"I can't believe you've kept this secret... You could get promoted, you know."_

_"Please, I'll do anything, just don't tell."_

_"Anything?..."_

* * *

_"The Captain's lookin' for ya'."_

_"Oh?"_

_"Doesn't look happy."_

* * *

_"I don't know how everyone found out, I didn't tell!"_

_"You must've! Not even Ikkaku knew!"_

_"Quit yellin' at me, ya' fruitcake, it wasn't me!"_

_"I hate you!"_

* * *

_"Get out, I never fucking want to see your face again."_

_"Taichou, I-"_

_"I'm not'chyer Taichou, ya' little bitch. You know the rules about Kidou. Get. Out."_

* * *

_"Oh Rangiku, I-"_

_"I heard you're in the Thirteenth division now."_

_"Yes... They allowed transfer the quickest. Ukitake-Taichou is very kind..."_

_"I wasn't gonna say anything, but... I seriously can't believe you lied for this long. We all expected a lot better from you."_

_"Rangiku, please don't..."_

_"Be quiet. Listen."_

_"... I... I'm sorry."_

_"You may be a narcissist, but at least you were honest about your flaws and let them out where everyone could see... Or we thought you did. We really didn't know you at all did we? All that time that I thought we were friends... I can't look back on it the same. I can't continue on this way, Yumichika. I've been betrayed too many times by the people close to me. You're only my comrade from this moment on, not my friend any longer."_

_"Rangiku... I thought-"_

_"You thought wrong. And it's Matsumoto-san, or Matsumoto-fukutaichou. Goodbye, Yumichika."_

* * *

_"Renji-kun, I..."_

_"Oh geez, sorry... Woah, Senpai, are you okay?"_

_"I... I'm..."_

_"Ah... I shouldn'ta said that. Hey, um..."_

_"*Sniffle* Hh- Huh..."_

_"Look, I heard what happened."_

_"*sniff* -Kkh"_

_"C'mere, stop crying."_

_"Mhmg... Ah-huh-**"_

_"Shhh, It's okay... Uh... Don't cry... Hey, umm."_

_"..."_

_"I'm still your friend, okay? I don't care about any of the crap that's been goin' on. I know that I'm not really a good replacement for them, but I'm still here, okay? You're not all alone."_

_"*nod*"_

_"I know Madarame-teme's been avoidin' ya' and talkin' shit to everyone, and I know Rangiku's been pretty unfair too... I know it's tough to lose everything so quick, gettin' kicked out of yer squad and all... but I'm sure everything will clear up soon, alright? I think they might come around. Now stop crying, you'll get wrinkles, remember?"_

_"*nod*"_

_"I'll_ pound _that idiot... C'mon, I'll buy you a drink. You'll feel better once we talk about it. I'll listen for as long as ya' want."_

_"Okay... Thank you, Renji. You've grown into such a nice young man. I'm so glad we're friends."_

_"Aw, shut up... I mean, me too, Senpai."_

* * *

_"Ayasegawa-san... I... I find it a disgrace that you could keep part of your soul in secret for so long."_

_"Kira-kun... I thought you'd understand..."_

_"Well, I suppose I do... I understand why you never told... You knew that this was the reaction you'd get... But surely you couldn't have thought that you'd have been able to hide it forever?"_

_"I had hoped."_

_"I... I think you should've told someone like Hisagi-san did. People wouldn't be as angry about it if you hadn't deceived them for centuries. It's your own fault, really."_

_"I know..."_

_"Oh, Yumichika-san, I didn't mean..."_

_"I know, It's fine, I'm sorry for being like this, I just..."_

_"What?"_

_"I'm afraid of what Ikkaku will do. He was so angry when he first found out. I thought he would try to kill me... I really thought he would try to kill me."_

_"I'm sure he'll still want to be your friend. It seems like he's a simple man, but he's not shallow. He's your good friend, and he has been for a long time... Please don't cry anymore, I feel so bad-"_

_"I'm sorry, Kira-kun, I really am. I'm just afraid..."_

_"If you're really that scared, I'll come with you when you tell him. Is that better?"_

_"Thank you, Kira... Thank you... You're my good friend too..."_

* * *

_"Kenny? Why does Yun-Yun hafta' go?"_

_"He's a weakling, Yachiru. You know we don't like weaklings here."_

_"Oh yeah... I still wish he could stay..."_

_"Me too. Liked havin' the fruity weirdo around. Damn shame, ain't it?"_

_"Mhm. I wonder why Baldy's so mad."_

_"Yeah... Even_ I _wasn't that pissed. He needs ta' cool it or he's gonna' do something he'll really regret."_

_"What's regret, Kenny?"_

_"It means yer' sorry."_

_"He's gonna' do something that he'll be sorry he did?"_

_"Yeah... No... It's worse than that... I don't even think he'd be sorry if he did something rash."_

* * *

_"Ikkaku... I didn't hear you come in."_

_"Yeah. 'Ts about time you grew some balls and faced me, ya little bitch. Hey, Kira."_

_"What? What are you talking about?! You've been avoiding me all week, I thought you were trying to cool down!"_

_"Madarame-san!"_

_"Cool down?! The fuck do you think this is, Yumichika? You didn't do something stupid or accidental like switch plum sauce with wasabi, or draw a dick on my head at a sleepover. You fucking broke the worst law the Captain has, and you've been breaking it for centuries! And if that wasn't enough, you lied to everyone, you lied to_  me!"

_"Ikkaku, please, I thought you'd understand! This is the reason I didn't tell you, I didn't want to disappoint you or the Captain!"_

_"Well, I'm real fuckin' disappointed!"_

_"This is why I didn't tell... I knew you'd all react this way, I knew you'd all hate me!"_

_"Oh, you're right about that, I fuckin'_ hate _you right now... How could you lie to me? How could your shikai be such a stupid magic trick? I thought you were strong like the rest of us but you're no better than the Fourth-squad."_

_"You don't mean that... You don't..."_

_"I_  do  _mean_ _it... I mean it, I said... I want you out of here by the time I get back from the bar. Don't bother coming back tomorrow, either. Find some other fuckin' place to stay-"_

_"Ikkaku-"_

_"Madarame-san! You shouldn't say things like that. You're being too harsh!"_

_"Stay out of this, Kira! You, Yumichika... Don't come near me... I don't have a reason to pull my punches anymore... Stay away or I will_ _kill you_ -"

* * *

Yumichika's legs shook as he gasped and came back to reality. He raised a hand to rub at his wet eyes. ' _What... What happened to the trance?'_

Those teal eyes were sympathetic as they shone on him, and as he looked into them again, instead of being consumed and placed in an identical world like before, he could see things on them like a monitor.

Ikkaku was throwing his belongings into the street, Renji was there, offering to let him stay with him while he recovered, Ukitake-Taichou was welcoming him to the Thirteenth squad, Kira and Abarai were holding him as he wept into the tabletop of a dirty bar. Months and months went by of Ikkaku and Rangiku, his very best friends, passing him coldly, months of disdain and dirty comments from the Eleventh squad, months of Yachiru screaming and crying for him to come home and color with her.

All of his friends lost faith in him because of his lie. He was alone again, so very alone...

Tears dripped from his violet eyes.

"Ohhh, my sweet. You are so brave." Those hands were soft in his hair and on his shoulders, but they didn't comfort him. "Your fear is so much greater than your silly friend's is." He gestured towards the sounds of battle still coming from behind them. "So very very brave... my sweet little peacock."

Yumichika's blood froze, his fingers trembling on his sword's handle. Ruri'iro had panicked and was babbling on and on at him to run or to strike now while he could, but after that remark he had stilled in absolute shock.

"It's a shame. I rather like you, my sweet... but we must start to play, now..." He curled Yumichika's hands around the hilt of his sword.

"Ahhhh, you would've taken that to your second grave... Just stunning, really... Rather beautiful, your resolve. You would suffer through any pain, you would hold this in for a thousand years just so none of that will come to pass. So very brave." Those fingers stroked his cheek.

"Such a big secret can't go untold... Not something so beautiful... We have to let your friends know." Yumichika's breath was coming fast now as the Arrancar's hand raised to its lips and blew.

"Akumu no Kuro." He smiled. "Hanashite," he ordered.

Yumichika's lips moved against his will, but it was the Arrancar's voice that came out of him, not his own. "Sakikurue, Ruri'iro Kujaku." His sword fell from his hands.

Immediately Yumichika could feel and see the vines wrapping him up, coming from a sword copy laying in the grass next to his own sword. His arms were strapped to his sides as he looked down in horror at himself.

 _'I'm not doing this, what's happening?!'_ Ruri'iro was frantic. ' _Call somebody, call for help!'_

These vines were nothing like those of his own sword. These weren't the familiar teal feathers, they were monochrome, with a rusted sort of turquoise look to them. They were withered and were jammed up and down with thorns instead of flower buds.

He cried out in pain as they tightened on his chest and dug his arms into his sides, spikes jamming into his flesh. He was like a piece of clay wrapped in a cheese wire - soon he would be sliced in half.

"Come on, scream. Let everyone hear you and come to see..." The vines constricted further, and Yumichika could feel his ribs splintering and cutting into other pieces of skin. His abdomen ruptured and air left his body as his lungs were flattened. He couldn't scream, he couldn't make any noise. He had never felt  _pain_  like this, as though his body would be torn apart.  _"Scream."_

He tried to look down, sure that the only thing keeping his insides from coming out were the vines wrapped around him. He tried to make a sound, but nothing came out.

"You know, you look rather enticing when you're all... trussed up like that." Yumichika's eyes snapped open, black spots dancing in front of them from the sheer blinding pain of it all. His fingers twitched involuntarily from lack of circulation, and his head swam as he focused on the teal eyes,

A cold finger ran up his cheek.

"Just beautiful." The smile was so kind that it was somehow crueler than the malicious smirk that Ikkaku had received.

Nobody had called him beautiful in so long, barring himself. Yumichika laughed weakly, though it sounded like a cough. "You really think so," breath rasped through his lips, despite his broken ribs. "No one's called me that in years."

"Hmm," came that laugh again. "Of course... Just gorgeous." Those hands rubbed his sweaty forehead. "Your sword as well... How could you hide that away...?"

"I did it... for myself," he whispered bitterly. "I wasn't brave, you see? You already knew this whole time... I am a coward... I did it for  _me_... Ikkaku would leave me... I'd lose my position... my friends... my home..."

"Ahhnn, I see, but doesn't your friend Ikkaku hide his bankai as well to stay with you? You are the same, see?"

Yumichika raised his eyes wearily. The Arrancar must've seen that when he was looking into Ikkaku's mind. "No, that's different... He doesn't want a promotion... He wants to... stay with me... He's staying for me... He doesn't want to be a captain... and besides... he didn't keep that... secret from me... He trusted... me."

"Oh, but don't you hide yours to stay with him as well? You would get a promotion too," the Arrancar said coquettishly, grinning widely. "Situation sounds the same all around."

"I... yes..." Yumichika's head dropped down, as he panted, hands fisting.

"You cannot hide something like this forever, so speeding it up for you won't be so bad." He grinned. "Let me hear you scream... or I will  _make_  you scream."

Teal eyes swallowed him again and Yumichika finally caved in and cried out in pain. His ribcage collapsed with a sickening _crunch._

* * *

"What the hell happened here?" Kenpachi voiced to Yachiru as he dropped out of shunpo. His feet were immediately soaked, but as he looked down, it was blood and not mud.

"I dunno, Kenny!"

"It's too damn quiet... Where did those two go?" Bells chimed as he turned his head toward a noise, and his eyes widened when they focused on a mass that he'd missed earlier.

The biggest Adjuchas carcass he'd ever seen, a gigantic white dragon with a large split in its belly, lay in the middle of the clearing, its large spines reaching twice as high as the large trees surrounding them. At its feet sat Ikkaku, absolutely  _drenched_ in blood and holding what looked like... Yumichika.

Yachiru gasped, _"HH!_ Chika-Chika's hurt, Kenny!"

Ikkaku held Yumichika's body in his arms, face pressed into his neck, and was shaking horribly. His arms were tight around the smaller man, and the body was quivering with the shaking of Ikkaku's shoulders. Kenpachi blinked as he realized that his third seat was talking to himself like a crazy person.

"'Ey, Ikkaku! 'The fuck happened?"

Ikkaku's shoulder's jerked, and his arms shook as they tightened further on the limp body. He gently turned Yumichika's face into his neck, other arm scooping under his legs and holding his broken body close.

"Y... Yu... mich," Ikkaku stuttered, voice shaky and congested. Kenpachi stopped short, still a few yards away, trying to process exactly what he was seeing. Yachiru for once was silent and staring. He half-raised a hand, contemplating covering her eyes. She had nightmares whenever she saw something that made her go silent.

Ikkaku Madarame, the crazy bastard who had challenged him back in the 80th district, the man who loved fighting like breathing, the man who could nearly outdrink him in a saké guzzling contest, the man who feared nothing, not even his own death, was weeping,  _w_ _eeping horribly._

"Is he...?" Kenpachi asked, not good enough at sensing spiritual pressure to be able to tell if Yumichika was gone or not.

That made the san-seki lose it, and he just began rocking the body, crying openly, speech too blurred to decipher. Tears leaked from his eyes and dripped off his nose and cheeks, wetting the doll's exposed neck. His shaking hands held him in a death grip, keeping him locked in place as he rocked him back and forth gently.

Yachiru hopped down from Kenpachi's back and took a few steps, before halting.

"Wake up... No... No, _please."_ Ikkaku's arms tightened on the limp shoulders, giving them a rough shake. " _No-ho_. Get up, _please_  get up. Open your eyes."

Kenpachi blinked at the hole pierced straight through Yumichika's chest and the unnaturally blank yellow eyes.

"Don't... Don't, you can't... Unohana will fix you... and you'll be fine... No, no, no, you can't be, you  _aren't-"_

Yachiru tipped her head onto Ikkaku's bloody arm and whispered gently, "I think he's dead."

"YUMICHIKA!" Ikkaku wailed, clutching Yumichika's middle fiercely. He buried his face in his best friend's shoulder and cried.

* * *

Those teal eyes released him again, and Yumichika's eyes dripped as the vision of Matsumoto and Ikkaku being wedded and raising a family faded from his mind.

He was selfish. He didn't hate Rangiku; she was his closest friend, barring Ikkaku of course, and he didn't hate her, not even after seeing her kissing Ikkaku in his visions. He didn't hate her, even though that was what he wanted for himself.

He wanted Ikkaku to love him, he wanted to be with him forever, long enough to settle and maybe even have a family in the far-distant future. He had never specifically told himself that he wanted it, but he had always known. He had never dared to hope for it, but oh, how he wanted that for himself.

He didn't want that taken away from him, not even by his best friend Rangiku. Bitterness swept through him as the vision of Ikkaku and Matsumoto in a liplock burned itself into his corneas.

"I was holding out on you, you know." The smile was growing again, teal eyes wide.

"What?" Consciousness returned to him fully, and the pain pressed down upon him from all sides again. His voice wouldn't work anymore, and he was reduced to whispering, air seeping out of his mouth in rasps. His throat ached horribly, red and raw from screaming so much. His chest throbbed each time he took breath, and he thought he would faint from the pain. Something was slipping out of his belly, something warm, wet, and probably  _vital._

"That wasn't your deepest fear at all: your sword being discovered, I mean. I was just playing. Your deepest fear... was Ikkaku."

Yumichika's breath froze.

"All of your true fears involve him. You are so brave, staying with this man who constantly tortures you without even being _aware_." Yumichika's heart sunk, face a mask of horror.

"Ikkaku leaving you, Ikkaku rejecting you, Ikkaku finding someone else, Ikkaku finding out about your sword, Ikkaku dying, Ikkaku becoming a captain and leaving you behind. All of it is to do with him."

Yumichika was horrified.

"I know you have hope too... No matter how you try to deny it, you do have hope... You've been celibate for almost fifty years now, and twenty before that, all for him. You are considerate as well as brave." He smiled. "If you want... I'll tell you a secret."

He looked around as if he didn't want anyone to hear, and then hecame in close as Yumichika shook, still staring forward. "He's a virgin in this life." He laughed then. "Hmm, Isn't that funny?"

He played with his black fingernails. "Never had the time or the focus for pursuing women... He was too concentrated on fighting and following that Captain of yours... Isn't that funny?"

"No... No, how do you know that?" He rasped, shaking his head. "There's no way-"

"Oh, but he never talks about his conquests. He never brings anyone home... He never came on to anyone when you were all drunk. He hasn't dated. He didn't like that living girl you were staying with back then who was throwing herself at him... He never even looked at that Tenth-division red-head woman's breasts."

Yumichika ran that through his mind at top speed. No... He didn't talk about his conquests or sexual escapades... Perhaps because he hadn't ever had any... ' _God knows that Ikkaku loves bragging about his battles..'_

"Perhaps he's just deficient," he cackled wickedly.

"No... He just didn't bring anyone, because... because we live together and... he knew that... I wouldn't like it..." Yumichika blinked, the Arrancar raised an eyebrow, grinning.

"Hmm, you think so?" He grinned, changing the subject. "I think that you... are afraid of him. Aren't you?"

"No... Never..." Yumichika blinked. He had always trusted Ikkaku. Always. Why would he ever be afraid of him?

"Well... I think you should be, my sweet."

"Akumu," That grin kept on growing, stretching off the face, rather like Ikkaku's tended to do when he fought. The black powder was thrown over the young man's own body, "no Kuro."

This time the eyes bled lime green and stared directly at him, trapping him. His body changed, morphing into the familiar man that they had left back in the clearing. Yumichika froze as Ikkaku stared back at him with a murderous lust in his eyes.

' _No... no, it can't be. It's not real.'_

"Scream," Ikkaku said to him, grabbing his chin with rough fingernails. It looked like Ikkaku, it sounded like Ikkaku, it even smelled like him. "Scream, Bitch."

Yumichika found his voice and screamed until his throat bled.

* * *

Kenpachi's strength was tremendous, physical and spiritual both, everyone knew that, but he still had a hell of a time wrestling the empty body from Ikkaku's grip.

"DON'T, STOP TOUCHING HIM! HE'S NOT DEAD, DON'T TAKE HIM!" His screaming and wailing probably alerted a few other nearby groups.

"Let go of 'im, Madarame, he's gone," Kenpachi grunted. He was sure that a woman wouldn't hold on to her dead baby as tight as Ikkaku was holding Yumichika. Yachiru backed away silently. He sighed, placing a heavy hand on Ikkaku's shoulder. "Listen to me, man. Ya' gotta get a hold on yerself'."

Ikkaku started out considerably more calm, but grew more frantic as he continued speaking., "Please don't take him, Taichou. I don't want them to burn him, I don't want you to," he begged, still struggling.

"If he's dead, we' gotta, Ikkaku-"

"No, He's not dead, Yumichika get up, Please! Please, Taichou, Get Captain Unohana, Please!-"

"That won't help nothin'." Kenpachi nabbed Ikkaku's arms, ignoring the desperate kicks aimed at his legs. He pried Ikkaku's hands open and the body flopped into the blood-smeared grass. Ikkaku kicked and screamed, but Zaraki just held his arms behind his back, dragging him away. His stomach clenched with sudden illness.

"No, no, stop! Let me go to him- Yumichika! Don't touch him, He'll be mad! Yumi- Yumi, wake up!"

Finally, Ikkaku sagged against Kenpachi's restraints, sobbing weakly, head dropping. "Yumi... chi-chika."

"Ikkaku," Kenpachi tried again, as he held the weeping third-seat's arms. He awkwardly patted him on the back, not knowing how to comfort the grief racking his subordinate. He didn't even really know how to comfort himself. There were only a few people in this world that he would protect from death, and he had lost one today.

Yachiru dragged the body away by the ankle, leaving it behind a tree. "Kenny, Kenny, Chika-Chika's weird, he's turning to sand on the inside-"

"Heh?"

"Yeah, his blood's turning all dirty-"

"Ikkaku... Damnit." Kenpachi smacked him across the face. "Get it together! We gotta' find our idiot! Can't have you all hysterical! Now pull yourself together!" He shouted in a way that wasn't completely unkind.

Ikkaku blinked, as if he was suddenly wondering why he was crying. He looked just like he felt, barren, empty. He looked down at his released arms, as if they were meant to be holding something.

His bare arms were smeared with blood, two different colors of blood. His fingers twitched.

"What... Taichou," he said weakly, landing on his knees as Zaraki released him. "Where did Yumichika go?"

Yachiru came bounding back to Kenpachi, hopping up on his back. "It's like a dolly, Ken-chan." She smiled, like she knew Yumichika wasn't dead.

"Hey, is that... what... Yumi?" Ikkaku asked weakly, in disbelief, hands still shaking.

"That's not Yumichika. It's a fuckin' copy. You went... off, and you didn't notice or somethin'," Kenpachi said wearily. "Quitch'er cryin'." He normally didn't mind crying, but this was just painful to listen to.

"I'm not... crying?" Ikkaku wiped his face and looked at his fingers in surprise when they came away wet.

"Mhmm," Zaraki said, totally convinced. "Get'chyer sword. Which way did they go?"

Ikkaku frowned. "I don't... When did they leave?" he asked himself, looking around. "Yumichika," he said to no one in particular.

* * *

"Ikkaku, Ikkaku stop it!" Yumichika cried, tears rolling down his face as he was held down by the neck, rear in the air.

Never had he felt so ugly as he did now, face pressed into the dirt, legs bare to the cold air.

The pain, oh, the pain was worse than he remembered. This had happened many a time in the Rukongai before he had met Ikkaku, back when he still worked in a bar for money. Sometimes the patrons were too drunk to pay up front and just had their way with him. Others just got off on violence like that and made Yumichika deal with it.

It was nothing like this though; this was so much worse. This pain was amplified, like every nerve in him was awakened and ready to torture him with extra-sensitivity.

"You were a whore when we met, and you're a whore now... You like it, this is what you wanted-"

"No, no! Stop!"

"I can feel ya' clenching around me. You like it... I'm gonna' fuck you until you can't even move."

The voice was Ikkaku's, the body was Ikkaku's, even the smell and tingle of reiatsu was identical, but the eyes were glowing green and they were staring right at him, right into his soul.

This wasn't how he'd wanted it to go at all. He had wanted Ikkaku to love him, to take him gently, to be able to feel his warm reiatsu surrounding him, to be kissed and held. This wasn't how he wanted it to be.

Not with blood, not with his ribs broken or with his muscles tearing; Not with him screaming and crying; Not with lustful growls in his ear and smacking noises as blood stuck to skin and slicked the thrusts.

He didn't want it like this.

"Please, don't- Stop touching me!  _Fight me fair!_ " he sobbed.

 _'How dare he do this, How dare he hurt my master,'_ Ruri'iro raged. ' _How could you use Ikkaku's body, you piece of scum? It's not even Ikkaku, but he will still remember it that way forever!'_

 _'Ruri'iro, please... Get Hozukimaru... I don't want Ikkaku to see, but... I can't take this... I just can't.'_ Yumichika sobbed pitifully. _'Please, please get Hozukimaru.'_

"Nng, Scream... my sweet. Scream, or I'll  _make_  you scream."

He obeyed against his will as thorns dug into his body along with a particularly sharp smack to the rear. He hoped Ruri'iro would hurry, because if this went on much longer, he was sure that he'd never be able to look Ikkaku in the eye again.

* * *

"I thought you guys were fighting an Arrancar, so where is it?!" Kenpachi shouted irritably as Ikkaku wiped his face in confusion, smearing sweat and blood over his forehead. Zaraki paced like a caged animal, knowing that every second that Ikkaku wasted in his disorientation, Yumichika was in trouble somewhere.

"It... it had this trick. I can't explain it... It looked at me, and I couldn't move... and I saw... Yumichika... and all sorts of horrible things." He stared at his hands with red-rimmed eyes. "And then his body was just there, stabbed through with its sword. I really thought it was him... I thought he was dead."

"Well, where are they now? Because that sure as hell ain't an Arrancar," Kenpachi gestured towards the Adjuchas carcass, "and that's not Yumichika you're cryin' over."

"I am not...  _crying!"_ Ikkaku shouted, cheeks red with embarrassment.

"There's no shame in tears. Quit whining!" Kenpachi shouted as Yachiru pulled his hair. "Cut that out."

"That Arrancar must've taken him-"

"No, duh. Your head's rattled. You should go back to the camps. Let the Fourth check you out-"

"No, not while Yumi's out there with that freak. I have no idea what that guy's doing to him. That trick... It shows you whatever you want to see the least. Your fears."

Kenpachi looked at him strangely, glancing at the empty corpse laying in the patch of trees. He knew that Ikkaku didn't fear his own death, but Zaraki knew that death was broad. You didn't have to fear your own life leaving you to still be afraid of death. Some things were more valuable.

Dark hair ruffled in the wind, covering the still smiling face of the empty body. Zaraki shifted his shoulders, moving Yachiru closer to him.

"I can't leave," he panted. "Yumichika... still has to face whatever he fears."

Yachiru pulled Zaraki's hair. "Stop it, Yachiru," he said. "So? It's probably just having his hair burnt off or something... Or getting a facial scar." Kenpachi rolled his eyes. "The queen," he growled affectionately.

"No. No, it's something worse... He must be scared of somethin' horrible... That's why that guy saved Yumi for last... That's why he preoccupied me."

"Well, of course it was a distraction; that's why they're not still here."

"But he left his sword here... He was just playing with us both the whole time... He didn't even need to use his sword really... He didn't even fight me..." Ikkaku dropped his head in shame, covering his face with his hands.

"Sounds like a crazy fucker, and we all know that that means that you have to fight dirty against those shits. We all make mistakes, just grab your sword and let's go-"

Ikkaku took a breath and grabbed his bloody sword from the grass.

_'Ikkaku!'_

_'Wha'?'_

_'Find Yumichika, right now. 'Kujaku just visited me and he was really panicky. Yumichika is in deep trouble. He's worse than dead right now.'_

_'Oh my God.'_

Yachiru yanked sharply on Kenpachi's hair, "KENNY! LISTEN!"

"Shut up! Don't pull my hair, Damn brat! Can'tcha be quiet for two seconds?!" He shouted back in her face. Yachiru ignored him and waved her arms wildly,

"Listen, you guys!"

That's when they heard the screaming.


	3. Chapter 3

They finally noticed the screaming in the distance.

Ikkaku's eyes flew open wide. His breath froze in his throat. The voice was unmistakable. Kenpachi looked up sharply even as Yachiru tugged on his hair harder, looking shocked. The screaming was coming from far off in the woods - so it was surprising that it was so loud given the distance; It was horrible, choked, panicked screaming, and it was definitely Yumichika's.

The words that they could make out were disturbing.

Ikkaku was as pale as a ghost by then, grabbing at Zaraki's haori and desperately trying to tug him forward. Yachiru was no longer smiling and was staring towards the direction of the shrieks, mouth open and eyes round.

"Come on," he urged.

Zaraki shook his head sharply as if to rouse himself and started running, blood squelching in the grass behind him.

* * *

Yumichika was sure that he had never sunken this low. The twisted mangled vines of his own zanpakutou, the thing that he had sacrificed so much for, the thing he could confide in when he was truly upset, were holding him down as the body of his best friend raped him.

He was just a mess of blood now, his backside torn open; his chest and abdomen were destroyed, and he couldn't even fight back with his hands tied at his sides. Kidou wasn't an option either, shameful though it was.

He screamed and cried into the ground beneath him as the vines slackened and withered. All he could do was fall limply to his knees, curling up. Blood rushed into his arms, fighting for circulation as he clutched at his stomach, trying to catch what had been slipping out. His upper arms were grabbed and twisted backwards, too far, too  _far!_

"Ikkaku, Ow, ow,  _aaah!_ My shoulders will  _break!"_

"Urusai. Heh'."

Yumichika was sure that he was going to be sick as his head was slammed back down, body rocking with each blow from the bloody thighs behind him.

He tried to look down at the shattered cage of his chest and abdomen, getting dirt in his eyes. There was a gash that the thorns of Ruri'iro Kujaku's twin had left in his stomach, and now what looked like an  _organ_  was coming out along with the blood.

"I- Ikkaku," he sobbed. "Please let me go."

 _'No, Yumichika. It's not Ikkaku, it's an Arrancar scum in his body. You need to fight. Fight. Fight harder, Fight until your last breath leaves you. That is the Eleventh-division's way!_ Fight!'

The true Ruri'iro Kujaku was shouting at him in his mind, washing over his breaking spirit with comforting warmth, soothing and stroking him, trying to fix him. Beneath it, he could feel his sword's desperation, knowing that they were running out of time.

_'You are better than this. You are better. You can't let someone who can do this to you make you feel ugly. Fight back and spit in their face. Fight, Yumichika! You must!... What would Ikkaku say?'_

Yumichika sobbed harder as his face was shoved into the dirt, hair being pulled roughly. "Stop raping me," he begged. "Leave me alone!"

 _'You are going to walk away from this alive, and you're going to look into Ikkaku's face without fear. You are brave, you are beautiful and brave, and you are stronger than this! This cannot destroy you, you will live long enough to tell Ikkaku the truth! I told them, and they're coming to save you, now call for them! Let them hear where you are! You can win! Fight,_ fight!'

"IKKAKUUU!" he screamed, tasting iron and salt as new blood tore in his throat. "DAISUKETEEE!"

* * *

A breath left Ikkaku as he heard the loud scream of his name and the desperate plea for help. They were nearing. He was practically hanging off of his captain, needing support because of his shaking legs.

Kenpachi stopped abruptly, and Ikkaku took the chance to regain his breath and to say what he had been trying to this entire time, still trying fruitlessly to pull Zaraki forward. There wasn't a moment to lose.

"Taichou, I know you like a good fight, but I think it's best if you'd just-"

"Ah, I see, get it done quickly... I don't think that I'd really want to play with someone who's hurting Yumichika anyway, ne?" Kenpachi was squinting, seemingly trying to focus on something.

"Hai." Ikkaku winced, turning slightly green at the noises coming from the woods in front of them. The sounds were so loud even from so far away. It sounded like a bone had just cracked, and Yumichika was still screaming at the top of his lungs.

"A'right! Let's get this bastard!" Kenpachi shouted, brandishing his nameless zanpakutou in front of him, holding Ikkaku around the shoulders with his other arm.

* * *

"Hmm, someone else wants to play." That laugh would haunt him until time turned to dust.

"Can you hear them coming?" His hips were grabbed with bruising strength and pulled sharply back against blood-slicked legs. Yumichika sobbed again as something released inside of him like lava; Ikkaku moaned, pressing deep inside of him. He writhed as much as he could, and he could swear that he was burning inside, that his skin was turning black and peeling away from this scorching heat.

His arms were released, and they flopped uselessly to his sides as he sobbed weakly. His zanpakutou lay in the grass, blade glittering. Blood and semen leaked out of him; tears wet his cheeks as he smelled Ikkaku on his tattered shihakushou.

His energy was melting away, and he couldn't even find the strength to move anymore, struggling just to breathe. He knew it had been the Arrancar playing with him the entire time, but he would never recover this wound. He would always have that memory of Ikkaku raping him.

In his inner world, Ruri'iro Kujaku shed a tear, huddling in the rain, stroking the hair of his bleeding master.

* * *

"Kenny, what's gonna happen?" Yachiru asked almost nervously as the scent of blood rose thickly from the ground.

Kenpachi's eyes narrowed, and all of a sudden he looked absolutely murderous. "Yachiru..."

Ikkaku froze, listening to the groans and the corresponding sobbing, still quite a distance from them. "He's... He's ra-"

Kenpachi cut him off there. "Yachiru, I want ya' ta go back to the front lines, regroup everyone and tell them ta' get their asses back over to the West front where the Sixth Squad is. Tell yer' Byakushi tha' I'm busy."

"Okey-Dokey!"

"Don'tch'you come back here when you're done, either." Kenpachi looked at her firmly, and she nodded.

He looked at his third-seat regretfully. "Unohana's gonna have a hell of a time."

Ikkaku tugged on Kenpachi's haori with new strength, ignoring all his aches and pains, trying to calm his racing heart as they heard the most horrible thing of all.

Complete silence.

* * *

"Hmm," the Arrancar laughed, licking blood from his fingers. He seemed to be having fun in Ikkaku's body as he traced the blood messily all over Yumichika's broken legs and back.

"What, you're not even going to try to run? What a shame." Yumichika's eyes leaked as he tried fruitlessly to move his broken limbs.

"All right, you! Come out!" Yumichika sobbed, heart stilling. Oh no... No, no, no. Zaraki Kenpachi, his Taichou, was about to see him at the lowest he had ever been. If he and Ikkaku were kind, they might leave him for dead and not tell anyone of his failing, of his shame. If not, they might put him out of his misery, at least.

He tried to curl up into a ball, but he couldn't move his arms or legs. He could only fight to stay awake, to keep from unconsciousness, knowing that he could go into a coma if he went under right now.

"Oh, hello."

Yumichika closed his eyes, face screwing up in absolute humiliation, which almost hurt more than the pain did. His pride had always been very sensitive, albeit bulletproof.

He turned his face away as Ikkaku and Kenpachi came through the bushes. The look on Ikkaku's face as he took in the scene before him was just unbearable.

The Arrancar's bright green eyes turned on them, and the monster smiled, still in Ikkaku's body. He didn't even bother to hide the blood smeared all over him, concentrated on his legs and hips. He just smiled at them.

Ikkaku's eyes were shocked and stricken, seeing blood on  _his own body_ , blood that had resulted from something horrible.

"Nice of you to join us, my dear." He smiled at Ikkaku before reverting back to his original form, tucking himself into his blood stained hakama.

"You sick _fuck,"_  Kenpachi snarled, brandishing his zanpakutou before him, shedding his haori and tossing it to Ikkaku. Yumichika's breath whimpered in his throat as Ikkaku approached him.

"Yumichika?" Ikkaku's voice was distant sounding as Yumichika's vision blurred and tunneled for a few moments. Ikkaku sounded guilty and afraid, like he'd scared a baby. Ikkaku raised his hands, not knowing where to touch Yumichika so as not to hurt him more. "Yumi, can you hear me?... Are you okay?"

"Nnn, It looks like you're in luck, my sweet. It seems you'll have a short reprieve." The Arrancar grinned, turning back to the heap on the ground that was Yumichika. He raised his hand and blew dust upon his palm, his painted katana materializing in his hands.

Kenpachi raised his eyes to Ikkaku, remembering what he had said as they finished the trip over, that he shouldn't give this guy the chance to begin playing again.

"Can you move? What should I do? Yumichika-"

Yumichika cringed into the ground, keeping his eyes away from Ikkaku. He wanted the ground to swallow him; he wanted to wither up and die. His broken limbs wouldn't even allow him the dignity of covering himself up, of hiding his bleeding backside.

"Are you okay?" Ikkaku practically whimpered, as he tried to turn Yumichika over as gently as he could. The sheer horror of thinking Yumichika was dead earlier left him extremely relieved, but also terrified that that loss and emptiness he had felt might soon become reality.

"Ikkaku, concentrate your reiatsu-"

"Huh?"

"All right, you freak, you'd better pray, because you won't be able to for much longer-"

Ikkaku could barely concentrate enough reiatsu in time to form a thin barrier around Yumichika before he and the Arrancar were driven to their knees. Air left Yumichika's lungs as the weight of the atmosphere around them bore down upon him. Ikkaku's scalp prickled and he squirmed uncomfortably, panting from exertion.

Kenpachi's eye patch hit the ground.


	4. Chapter 4

_'This is it. I'm going to die,'_ Yumichika thought as Kenpachi's eye patch hit the ground. _.. 'I don't think I can get through this.'_ If he hadn't already died of his injuries, then his captain's reiatsu would squeeze that last bit of life from him for sure. The feeling was bittersweet, knowing that he could die.

There was part of him that wanted this pain and shame to end here, right now, but another part didn't want to leave, part of him still knew that he had important things to do. For all that talk he did about taking his secrets to the grave, he didn't really want to die without getting them off his chest. Some little piece of him wanted to know what would happen when he said those words.

What if they found out after he died? Then he'd never have a chance to explain, to defend himself, and they'd forever think lowly of him and his name.

 _'But I'm never gonna make it. I'm not going to pull through this. I'll fall into the sky, I'll drown and I'll leave Ikkaku to die,'_ he thought mournfully as his vision grew black and fuzzy. His eyes leaked as his backside twinged painfully.

He'd never felt so much pain before. He wanted it to just all  _stop._

Just as he was saying his goodbyes in his mind, the golden light burst from Kenpachi's body. Just before the blast hit him, Yumichika was washed over with comforting, familiar reiatsu, soothing and stroking him with its warmth. A single wave of beauty and fresh summer air curled around him, hugging him with its scent and feel.

_Ikkaku._

Yumichika just wanted to bask in this feeling of affection and love he got as he saw Ikkaku concentrating, holding his hands over his body and channeling his spirit energy. He knew how difficult Ikkaku had always found it, but he seemed really focused this time. He just wanted to roll in this emotion like it was sun-warmed grass, and for one moment, all his pain was lifted from his shoulders, and his cheeks twitched into a smile that no one saw.

Kenpachi's immense reiatsu blasted over them, and Yumichika's body flattened further, air seeping out of his punctured lungs. He could feel every single splinter of every single broken rib digging into the rest of his chest. He could feel every agonizing break in his legs and every piece of bone floating in his shoulders and arms. He could feel every heartbeat in the open bone fracture near his elbow, hard white bone out in the air, bleeding steadily into the grass. He could feel every fragment of his broken pelvis and every inch of what was now nothing more than a mess of gore; his backside.

And at that moment, as blood and sperm continued to leak from him, the considerably weaker reiatsu struggling to protect him didn't comfort him any longer. It was the prickling sharp feeling, the horribly and intimately familiar energy that had surrounded him as he was forced upon and raped.

All this pain that he had been struggling to overcome pressed onto him, and all at once he knew that this was what hell felt like.

He wished for death, again and again and again, and why on earth wouldn't it come? Why was his vision staying fuzzy but not getting any darker? Why couldn't he escape this agony in the bliss of unconsciousness? Why wouldn't he be allowed to just give up?

That's when he realized, the hands above him were shaking and running gently through his hair. Ikkaku's eyes were red, but it wasn't out of rage. His body twitched every few seconds, but not from low blood sugar. Ikkaku was cr _ying._  Then Yumichika noticed in the reiatsu, the difference.

There wasn't this emptiness that he had felt when he was being squeezed by his own zanpakutou, he  _felt_ now. He could feel the heart-crushing sadness and misery that was being poured into the barrier between him and their taichou's energy, the affection, the remorse, and the anger.

It was for  _him_.

Something touched Yumichika's heart, and bittersweet warmth washed over him once again, holding him fiercely.

"It's over... You're safe now," Ikkaku whispered, tucking hair matted by sweat and blood behind his ear. Yumichika was too tired and in too much pain to do anything but believe him. "I'm going to protect you, okay? We'll take you to the doctor and I'll stay with you until you feel better." Ikkaku looked him directly in his cloudy purple eyes as he said it, leaning down and touching his forehead to Yumichika's hair. His breath was shaky in his ear, betraying his strong friend's panic.

Yumichika's eyes continued dripping as he met Ikkaku's gaze rather timidly. Those eyes were so brown that they almost seemed black. Yumichika couldn't hold the stare anymore and flicked his eyes away ashamedly, trying to control the pain racking his entire body.

Frighteningly green eyes looked up at the man radiating this immense power and glared. The Arrancar was driven to its knees, panting. This only encouraged Kenpachi to bear down on him even harder, driving him onto all fours.

 _'Ruri'iro... What should... I don't know what to do_.  _Tell me what to do. I feel so lost.'_

_'Don't be afraid any more, it's all right, Ikkaku's here. Taichou's here. They'll take care of you. You're going to live.'_

_'I'm just so humiliated. I look so weak and beaten, so useless. They'll never think I'm beautiful again.'_

Yumichika closed his eyes as tears continued to leak from them, dripping off his cheeks. Ikkaku's hands fluttered over him, still trying to find an appropriate place to touch, a place that wasn't bleeding or broken.

"Aw, man, please don't cry, I can't stand it when you cry!" His rough fingers contrasted sharply with the way he gently wiped the tears from Yumichika's blood-soaked cheeks, "Yumichika? C'mon, do something to let me know that you're okay!"

Ikkaku's voice was a rasp, quick and rushed. Yumichika could see now that Ikkaku was examining his backside, where he'd been torn open and clawed. He didn't miss the revulsion in Ikkaku's eyes and how sick he appeared as he gingerly pulled the torn back of his hakama over the bloody skin, trying to cover him up somewhat.

Yumichika twitched his cheek, making a small ashamed noise, grateful for the small return of dignity.

_'We're going to die here. All of us. That thing is going to play with us all and then it's going to kill us. We're going to die.'_

_'Yumichika. It's_ losing _. It knows it's going to lose. It said you were in luck. Taichou will protect you. You're going to live. You made it.'_

Ikkaku looked up, eager to get his captain over to help Yumichika. He shouted at him as the Arrancar lifted its head, eyes bleeding a frightening orange color, raising to Zaraki's face, "Taichou, across its eyes!" Kenpachi glanced at Ikkaku at the exact moment the orange eyes locked onto his face, before whipping his long zanpakutou across the bridge of the Arrancar's nose.

It tried to dart away, but it wasn't quick enough and screamed in agony as its eyes were sliced and his cheeks were cleaved.

"Shut up, you sick freak. You don't deserve an honorable death."

Yumichika couldn't believe his blood-filled ears as Zaraki stabbed the Arrancar through the throat and strung it up by the neck from a tree using a kidou spell.

No, he wasn't mistaken. He specifically heard the word 'bakuden'. He would've been struck dumb if he hadn't been in so much pain.

The weight of his body on his broken ribs was becoming unbearable. His abdomen was just on fire. Why couldn't they call the healers already? If not that, then why couldn't they just put him to rest, let him die quickly?

"Burn in hell, you piece of shit." Ikkaku blinked as Zaraki ripped out its throat with his bare hand.

_'You're going to be okay now, Yumichika. You're going to be fine.'_

Yumichika's eyes dripped. The thought of continuing to live didn't comfort him. They would never look at him the same. They would never think of him as strong again. They would never look at him and see beauty. They would see this pitiful broken creature who had been mangled and defiled because of its own inability to protect itself.

They would see the same weak ugliness that he felt and nothing else.

Ikkaku clenched his fists as Kenpachi left the mangled body of the Arrancar to hang by the branch and approached him after snapping his eyepatch back on. Air filled the fifth-seat's broken body, and Ikkaku shuddered. "Yumichika!" Zaraki shouted, "Ya' okay?" He nudged him with his toe. Yumichika whimpered, unable to move at all.

"Damn, 'ya got hit hard. Can't believe you're still awake. Don't think that I still would be," Kenpachi mumbled.

"Do you... Do you think we should get Unohana-Taichou?" Ikkaku asked, backing off now that the captain was here. He'd been really upset and attentive towards Yumichika before, but now that the captain was trying to seem so unconcerned, he felt as if maybe he was overreacting or something.

He clenched and unclenched his hands, not knowing what to do as he looked at Yumichika's limp form. He didn't feel safe moving him as he looked over the way the limbs were bent. Kenpachi was just being his usual self. Ikkaku knew that this was bad, and that they couldn't rely on their Eleventh-division rules of telling Yumichika to 'walk it off'. "Taichou, please call some healers, we should be hurrying!"

Kenpachi, who normally would've smacked Ikkaku upside the head for a remark like that, slipped his denrei shinki from his hakama and flipped it open. If Ikkaku didn't know better, he thought he'd seen Kenpachi's hand shake just slightly. This was very bad indeed. The captain was just in denial. Yumichika was at death's door.

"Retsu. Send some squad members over to pick up my fifth-seat... Very bad... Yes... Actually, I think you should come personally... I think you need'ta take 'im back to Seireitei to treat. Yah." He shut the phone and tossed it back in his pocket.

Yumichika blinked up at them, a pained whine coming from deep within him as he tried again to lift his arms. His vision blackened as the pain started to take him over. The agony that his shoulder blades were causing him hit him heavily as he strained to breathe. No, he had to get up. The shame was killing him. Just the way that those two were just  _standing_  there, _staring..._  it, it screwed him up inside.

Ikkaku placed his hands gently on his arms and on his side and started turning him over, and Yumichika shrieked and flopped like he was on fire, trying to move away from the hands hurting him so badly, to get away from anything touching on his broken bones. He thought he would die from this pain, this burning; he wanted to  _die._ Still, consciousness would not leave him.

_'You cannot! You will go into a coma!'_

He couldn't answer as he writhed as much as he could, screaming and wailing from the pain, even though the hands were gentle. He was turned onto his side and he begged everything he could think of that Ikkaku would get the point and turn him over more quickly.

"Oh my God." The third-seat's face turned a thin shade of green.

"Kami, Yumichika," Kenpachi grunted in disbelief, shaking his head, looking slightly sickened. "How the hell are you still alive?"

Yumichika screeched in his mind, ' _WHY_   _the hell am I still alive?!'_

Ikkaku recoiled as he laid Yumichika on his back. "The hell did he do to ya'?..." Kenpachi knelt and brushed pine needles and dirt off of the wet fleshy tissue that was slipping from Yumichika's belly and tucked it back inside the open pocket of skin next to some other pulsating fleshy masses. Ikkaku clapped a hand over his mouth and stumbled away a few steps. Yumichika groaned weakly, glad that they had stopped just awkwardly staring at him, wanting to help, but not knowing how.

Kenpachi then took his fallen haori off of the ground and covered the shattered cage of Yumichika's chest and abdomen. He shook his head as he stood and backed away from the destroyed body. "He's not gonna make it," he said quietly.

Ikkaku threw up in the grass.


	5. Chapter 5

A few hassled looking fourth-squad members arrived ten minutes later with their captain and lieutenant. By then, Kenpachi's haori had soaked completely through with blood and was sticking to Yumichika's mangled body.

Yumichika hadn't stopped whimpering. One of his broken arms was trapped under the rest of his body, causing broken fragments of his shoulder to dig into the surrounding flesh - but of course, Kenpachi and Ikkaku couldn't risk moving him.

Unohana's fukutaichou, Kotetsu Isane, looked sick as Retsu ordered the members about. They didn't bother with a stretcher, as it would've caused Yumichika more pain. There were too many broken bones.

They chanted kidou and lifted him up without touching him. Yumichika's back curled and his head rolled back, eyes searching for Ikkaku. His broken ribs collapsed around his lungs, keeping him from speaking. He could hardly get enough air to breathe sufficiently.

"Amazing," Isane commented, shaking her head as they began opening the door to Seireitei. "I don't know how he can stand it." Unohana grimly tucked her chin downwards as she opened her denrei shinki to get the fourth squad to prepare a room back in the hospital.

"His pain tolerance is just..." Retsu seemed to be unable to find words as Yumichika tried to cough. 'High pain tolerance' wouldn't even cover it. She adjusted the wet haori over Yumichika to protect his dignity as they guided his floating body through the door.

_'He shouldn't be awake. He shouldn't even be alive right now. What is going on here...'_

She just hoped that Kurotsuchi didn't get wind of this.

Ikkaku paced in anxiety outside the door as more and more squad members went into Yumichika's room with clean white towels and bandages and came out again soaked with blood.

Kenpachi promised that he would be back later as he left to the battlefield to regroup their division. Ikkaku knew that the captain hated being in the hospital, but he also knew that Zaraki wasn't lying. As much as he pretended otherwise, he was definitely concerned.

Now, Ikkaku was alone, alone with the image of Yumichika laying there. Blood,  _God_  there was so much blood.

That had never bothered him before. It had always been the symbol of fighting and battle to him, but it had looked so much different sprayed across white legs, drenching Yumichika's backside and spine. It looked like betrayal. It looked like heartbreak. It was just...  _sickening._

Every drop that should have never been spilt, he swore he would make that monster pay for. Ikkaku would have vengeance for this terrible crime. An eye for an eye.

Yumichika had looked horrible as he was taken into the operating room, and Ikkaku knew that the odds weren't in his favor, even if he was somehow still awake through all this.

His front half was soaked in the blood that had pooled on the ground beneath him, turning one half of his face and head into a sticky dirty mess. The lower back of his robes was in tatters, revealing the stark red and white of his thighs and back, maroon colored ditches dug out of flesh, left by nails.

Suddenly the door opened again, and Ikkaku's head snapped up.

Some plea for information almost came out of his mouth, but he somehow kept it in. He couldn't remember ever feeling like this, like he was trying to balance on a needle, holding his breath as if it would decide Yumichika's future. He couldn't remember ever sitting out here and worrying before, and it hurt, it hurt so bad. He was itching all over and couldn't sit still as he kept staring at that stupid door. Every time it opened he'd just see more attendants coming out and no one bringing him any news. It was driving him nuts!

He grabbed Hanatarou by the shoulder as he stepped out of the room, a tub of water that had gone in clean and come out completely red in his hands. "Hanatarou! Tell me what to do, I want to do  _something,_ " Ikkaku pleaded desperately. "Please let me help... or... I just want to see him, please-"

"I think it would be easier on you to wait until we have him cleaned up," Hanatarou whispered. Ikkaku then noticed just how pale he looked. The smaller shinigami sniffed and rubbed his cheek with his shoulder, wiping blood onto it. "There's just so much damage. It looks horrible."

His shihakushou was peppered with dark blood, smeared on his arms and neck. Ikkaku felt sick. His heart was pounding, he couldn't live with this feeling, this fear that Yumichika might not pull through.

Worse yet, if Yumichika were to die on the operating table, Ikkaku wouldn't even know how or when. He wouldn't know from one moment to the next whether it was important, whether Yumichika's soul had disappeared and left forever. He wouldn't get to say his goodbyes or tell him how much he loved him, that he was his best friend and that it wouldn't be the same, fighting alone. That horror he'd felt during his fear-delirium was returning. Yumichika really could die; this was serious and real and it was scaring Ikkaku really badly.

"I don't care, I don't  _care_ , I have to help him. I'm going out of my fucking mind, Hanatarou! Let me help you clean him, at least."

"I'll ask Unohana-Taichou, Ikkaku-san. For now you can help me carry back more water. If you like, of course," he said timidly.

Ikkaku practically tripped over himself to go after the fourth-squad member as he rushed down the hall to their large supply pantry. They met at least three other members on the way, all hurrying with rolls of gauze and sponges and other equipment, all to Yumichika's room.

"Do you think he'll make it?" Ikkaku asked worriedly, extremely on edge. Hanatarou sighed.

"Well, Taichou is amazing but sometimes there's just nothing anyone can do. He's had those wounds out in the open air for too long already. The blood loss is also a concern... He hadn't even gone unconscious through all of that torture. " Hanatarou shook his head. "Honestly, I think the only reason Taichou came back with us is because she's just as shocked about all of this and thinks that this'll be a good way to study further."

Hanatarou rummaged through the cupboards and shelves as he talked. "I mean, no one ever thought that Yumichika-san's pain tolerance was so high. He shouldn't be alive right now. It's just amazing in the most horrible way."

Hanatarou's eyes were haunted, but calm, and Ikkaku was suddenly struck with how tough the little guy was. They'd both seen horrors, hadn't they, and they still took it like soldiers. Suddenly, he felt some sort of kinship between them. He'd thought that being nice, or timid, or choosing to heal others instead of fight was a weakness. Maybe there was more than one kind of strength...

Hanatarou handed Ikkaku a tub and tossed in a rather dangerous looking sewing kit, needles, and surgical tape, which all glinted ominously. They was soon buried by patches and two IV bags. A white box was put in on the very top, snapping shut over que-tips, antiseptic, and plastic bags.

"Is that for-" Ikkaku couldn't bring himself to choke out the last words. He had known that they would have to sew Yumichika up before using a kidou- if they used one at all - but he hadn't thought about it enough to realize that they would use stitches elsewhere besides the stomach wound. "For the... The um-"  _Rape._

 _'Don't act so ashamed of the word. Yumichika shouldn't be ashamed of it, the bastard who did it should. You could at least say it. You can't even say it out loud, and Yumichika's the one who had to go through it._ Again.'

' _Holy shit...'_  His heart broke, Hozukimaru's words cutting deep.  _'I didn't protect him... I promised him after the last time, that we would become shinigami and that he would never have to go through that again, because I'd protect him. But I didn't... I didn't save him...'_

Hanatarou nodded solemnly as he filled another tub with water and placed three clean towels inside to float on the bottom. "Unohana-Taichou is afraid that healing him down there with a kidou will cause more mental damage. Psychosomatic pain is a high risk, as well as him not being able to come to terms with what happened if he's healed too quickly." Yamada sighed. "It's horrible. This is the worst thing I've ever seen. Even Taichou said that this is the most terrible thing she's seen in fifty years, and that this is the worst rape she's  _ever_ seen," he said.

"She said that the only way he could look like that down there was if it had been barbed wire inside him." Ikkaku went pale for a moment. This was so messed up, it was unbelievable. "He just shouldn't be alive."

Ikkaku followed after the smaller shinigami as he stepped carefully down the hall to keep from spilling the warm water.

"Like I said, his pain tolerance is just extraordinary. We have to clean away all the blood and dirt before we can operate, and he manages to stay almost completely still when we're cleaning him, despite all his broken bones. It's just..." He shook his head.

"It's sort of disgusting that he can bear this much," Ikkaku mumbled, wondering if Yumichika had somehow become accustomed to such sickening amounts of pain to be able to take so much. He had never known his friend to be so used to pain, as Yumichika always seemed to avoid taking hits in battle. He wondered if those two had any sort of correlation... It didn't seem like it.

"Now normally Taichou would just say no, but I think she might let you in today. We don't have everyone here and we need every extra hand."

Hanatarou knocked on the door of the operation room with his foot. "Unohana-Taichou, Madarame-san wishes to come help Ayasegawa-san clean up," he said timidly through the door. "Is it all right for him to come in?"

The door cracked open and Isane's face appeared. Ikkaku could see Retsu's back as she leaned over the table, and he could just see some bare pale legs speckled with blood and bent in several places.

Unohana's haori was bloody. The healers were bloody. The silver tools on the table were bloody. The whole room was just _bloody._

Why did it seem so much more  _violent_  here than on the battlefield?

There were a few other people inside, seated officers and low ranked healers standing around the table handing different things to their Captain on command.

"Are you sure you want..." Isane sighed. "This is really just... as Yumichika-san would say, 'not pretty at all'. You may become ill at the sight, Ikkaku-san."

"Too late for that. I can't stand sitting there any longer. Besides, he'll be embarrassed knowing that a bunch of strangers were touching on him while he's put out." Hanatarou's eyes dropped nervously as Ikkaku finished that sentence. Isane's cheek twitched.

"Taichou," Isane said over her shoulder. "What do you think of this?"

"He must follow any and all instructions that are given to the letter. We cannot afford him to be underfoot... and he must agree to leave immediately if he or Yumichika-san become distressed in any way... I can see the legal proceedings now," Unohana readily replied without turning around. "But we do need the extra hands."

Ikkaku nodded. Isane pressed her hand on the door to bar entry for a moment longer. She turned to Unohana as she spoke to the patient being operated on.

"Ikkaku-san would like to help us. Would you like him to come in? Give us any sign you can," she said softly. "Just as I said, once for yes, twice for no."

Ikkaku's eyes went wide. She was talking to Yumichika, wasn't she? "They're... They're operating and they didn't put him under."

Isane shook her head. "He didn't want it." It was clear that she thought Yumichika to be a fool. "He didn't even want pain killers, but we drew the line there. He's on an intense round of pain repressors and a respirator. We could barely set him down on the table with all those broken bones... I don't know how he handles this pain. It should be unbearable."

Hanatarou whispered, "He didn't want to be unconscious for any of it, even though Unohana-Taichou told him that the pain would get worse... He was very express about it; he said he didn't want to be anesthetized or put into an artificial coma. He wanted to be awake."

Unohana nodded toward them. "Come in." Hanatarou opened the door with his shoulder, looking Ikkaku right in the eye.

"Brace yourself," he said firmly, making sure Ikkaku understood that this wasn't something he wanted to see.

He then nudged the door open fully. He set the water tub on a small table and promptly started cleaning more of the limp body.

The third-seat's stomach twisted, and he set the tub he was holding next to Unohana. He quickly averted his eyes and glued them to the floor. He stepped around the bloody remains of Yumichika's clothes; they had already been cut off and abandoned in their hurry to save his life. Scissors lay tangled in the already tattered cloth, half-kicked under the respirator-machine.

Ikkaku mentally steeled himself and approached the operating table, trying to stay out of the way of the healers as they washed blood stains from Yumichika's skin as gently and quickly as they could.

The room was sweltering, most likely to keep Yumichika from losing any more body heat. The smell of the antiseptic was making Ikkaku feel even sicker.

It was absolutely disgusting. Ikkaku had never been one to be squeamish; he had picked apart small animals and cooked them back in the Rukongai countless times and that had never bothered him, but this was just so much different. He just felt nauseated and revolted all over again. He tried not to look directly at the pocket that they had spread open, but he just couldn't help it. The way it was pinned open made Yumichika look like some lab rat or a frog laid out for dissection.

There was so much blood, blood that was constantly being wiped away as it continued leaking out of the edges of the hole and from the punctured organs. He could see every heartbeat as it pulsed through the masses inside the cavity of Yumichika's middle. His stomach tied itself in knots and a muggy sweat broke out on his forehead.

The most disgusting thing, he supposed, was the broken bones and the painfully bent angles that the limbs were held at. It was just hard to look at directly.

' _Hard to look at... I've seen violence before... So what's different here?'_

A scalpel glittered as it was passed to Unohana, and Ikkaku had to look away as she cut open the hole wider, up to the base of the sternum, revealing the gentle movement of Yumichika's lungs and the small hiss of air through the puncture wound.

' _It's because it's someone I love.'_

More blood. There was so much blood in this body, it was unbelievable. The blood being intravenously given into his veins had to be replenished frequently, or he would've bled to death long ago. Ikkaku didn't think red was his favorite color anymore.

She cut at the edges of the hole and used T-pins to hold down the skin to the rubber of the table. "Now. Here." She pointed to specific organs with forceps. Kidou was used on a few of the lower organs, and Ikkaku watched as they knitted together and settled back beneath the membranes holding them to each other.

Ikkaku shuddered, gaining a whole new appreciation to how tough Yumichika was. He would've never been able to do this. Not only did it give a whole new meaning to being naked, but it brought pain to a new level.

There was a healer at the head of the table, keeping Yumichika's chin tilted upwards to keep him from seeing what Unohana was doing. They wanted to keep him from experiencing any phantom pain from seeing himself sewn up or cut into further. The pain killers were in the gas and in the five some needles in his arm, keeping him as high as a kite, bringing the intense pain down to a soreness, but that didn't mean that seeing himself being cut wouldn't cause his mind to trick him into feeling something.

They couldn't fix his shoulders and broken arms until they secured his organs into place and sewed him together again, Unohana explained. "The lungs too, it's a wonder they haven't collapsed beneath the weight of the broken ribs. One of them even has a hole. Just... It's like something isn't allowing him to die yet." She shook her head as she exchanged her bloody gloves for fresh ones.

The oxygen mask hissed where it was strapped over Yumichika's mouth and nose. The healer holding Yumichika's chin up beckoned Ikkaku over and told him that he needed to keep the fifth-seat's face pointed back until told otherwise. "This is very important. Make sure he can't see his own body. Do you understand?" Ikkaku nodded tentatively.

She took his hand and placed it firmly on Yumichika's head and made sure that the woozy patient was listening and knew that she was talking to him, before telling him in clear slow words that it was Ikkaku and he was here now.

Yumichika blinked, eyes focusing and refocusing multiple times as Ikkaku pressed his forehead gently to his. He made an effort to make a noise it seemed, but failed, as his breathing grew louder and strained in his throat for a moment. Unohana tolerated it, knowing that a bit of fidgeting was inevitable with the amount of strain placed on the broken shinigami.

"I'm here now, Yumi." Yumichika blinked slowly. Ikkaku gently tipped Yumichika's chin back up again, and the healer moved onto a more pressing area after seeing that he was capable of doing the job correctly. They paid him no mind and simply working around him. "They're fixing you up. I think you'll be okay."

Yumichika's eyelashes fluttered and his eyes rolled back as he tried to catch Ikkaku in his sites for a moment. He tried to make a sound again, breath hissing through the open hole at the bottom of his lung.

"Shhh, don't try to move." He ran his fingers through Yumichika's hair, gently working out the tangles as he slid his nails over his scalp in a soothing manner. He was starting to feel better already, as if his presence alone could help Yumichika survive. "You're so brave," he whispered. Yumichika's eyes snapped to his, focusing sharply before they began swimming again.

The healers didn't pay him any attention as he continued to talk to Yumichika, mumbling about pointless little things like what he had for lunch, and how they should prank the first division, and what Iba had been up to, and what Yachiru had done to their rooms, and other nonsense that calmed them both. Ikkaku was on one knee, keeping his face close by to Yumichika's.

"-and then you can help me file my paperwork, I think I messed it all up again," he said quietly, fingers slow and firm on his friend's chin and over his sweaty forehead. "I know I always deny it when you tease me about not being able to read, but kanji are hard, damnit - the Captain agrees with me."

Three different syringes were injected into the middle of Yumichika's chest. More pain killers.

Ikkaku took a deep breath as glittering scissors were handed to Unohana. She blinked to herself as she slid the blade into the open pocket of Yumichika's stomach, keeping her hands out of the way of the fourth-squad member who continuously dabbed away at the still-bleeding edges of the gaping hole.

She squeezed tightly on the handle of the blades for a moment and snapped open Yumichika's ribs at the sternum with a sharp snip, seeming unphased by the large crunch. Yumichika's body jolted forward, torn muscles in his stomach trying to tense as he let out a loud groan.

"Yumichika-san, is there any pain?" Yumichika blinked twice, obviously lying as he tried to relax back into the table. They turned up the respirators knob a few ticks.

Ikkaku dropped his eyes, keeping his forehead pressed to the side of Yumichika's face to avoid more of that blood. He had looked for a moment or two, eyes wide, at the heart and lungs and the disgusting white fibery membranes holding them together, the purple veins filling and unfilling with blood. It was just nauseating. He didn't find Yumichika disgusting, he never would find anything about him that way, but he could honestly say that this was more of Yumichika than he ever wanted to see.

Even through all the years they had been together, he had never even seen him completely naked before - he hadn't wanted this to coincide with seeing his  _insides._

Blood began sputtering from the hole in the lung, a wet disgusting sound that made Ikkaku think of Ukitake. Yumichika coughed weakly.

"He tore his throat from all that screaming. It just traveled down," Hanatarou commented. That was not good, Ikkaku guessed.

A large syringe without a needle was handed to Unohana, one that looked rather like a baby-feeder, and was stuck gently into the bottom of the lung. "Mask off."

The healer came back and slid the mask off of Yumichika's mouth and nose and turned his head sideways onto a towel. Hanatarou quickly explained that they didn't want to cut open the other lung even though there was blood in both. They would have to get Yumichika to expel the blood out the mouth.

A healer placed their hand on Yumichika's diaphragm, ready to change his breathing pattern. "Please try to be as still as you can, Yumichika-san."

Unohana sucked out a bit of blood from the lung, depositing it into a clear plastic bag. She then suctioned air from the lung and then pressed it back in. Yumichika choked momentarily, as air was sucked from both lungs and pressed out without his control.

After a bit more fiddling around from Unohana, the syringe was removed, full of blood, and Yumichika coughed violently, blood speckling his lips and the towel next to him.

After clearing his airway, they placed the mask back over his face. Yumichika panted weakly, hiccuping on a blood bubble every few moments.

A kidou was used to close the hole in the lung, and all of a sudden, Yumichika's skin was on fire and his body flushed, turning a peachy pink color. Ikkaku could feel heat radiating off of him and soon his hair was soaked with sweat. Ikkaku kept a hand on Yumichika's chin as he dipped his other hand in a nearby water tub and held the cool wet skin to his sweltering forehead.

Yumichika let out a breathy little sigh, seeming to sink back into the table. Ikkaku cringed - he'd been on the gas before, and it was a little scary, getting so high that you don't feel connected to your own body, that the room is swimming, and the only thing that works right is your voice, and even then sometimes that gets away from you.

Unohana was then handed back the scalpel and gently cleaved back the skin from the broken rib fragments. "Now," she said softly. Ikkaku watched as three healers cast kidou on the floating pieces of rib, moving them back into the proper places. They picked some shards that were floating in the open abdominal cavity out and placed them back in the right spots. His collar bone snapped sharply into place. Yumichika whimpered.

Her hands glowed as she held them gently on top of the open flaps of skin as she used one last large kidou and repaired his snapped sternum. Blood welled to the surface of his healed chest as the skin closed and healed. Yumichika gasped and stuck to the table, panting weakly.

"Ikkaku-san," Hanatarou gently spoke. "Do you know much about bandaging small wounds? You could do the superficial cuts from where you're sitting while we set the bones."

"Oh," he said, startled, remembering that he was supposed to be helping. "Yes. I can do that." He kept his eyes to himself as Hanatarou showed him where to clean. He actually didn't know anything about bandaging cuts, but he'd let Yumichika do it for him a couple times, so he just dabbed gently at the scratches left by the thorny vines he had seen before with antiseptic soaked cotton, wiping away blood without pressing too hard upon Yumichika's newly healed ribs.

Ikkaku heard Yumichika make a noise in his throat, and his head jerked once. "Yumichika-san, you must remain still or we will have to anesthetize you. We must set your bones correctly," Unohana warned. Yumichika stilled, eyes trying to roll in Ikkaku's direction. Ikkaku placed his hand back on his chin and rubbed his throat with his thumb, while keeping his face turn upwards. The little circles seemed to soothe him.

"I'm right here, Yumichika," he said as calmly as he could, trying to deny the jittery feeling of adrenaline pounding through his veins as he folded gauze over a larger gash and taped it down.

After that, Ikkaku moved back to where Yumichika could clearly see him and watched them begin to set the broken bones in his limbs. When they moved on to the open-bone fracture, he simply held Yumichika's face to his chest as he jerked and whimpered. "Shhh," he said, feeling sickened that the pain could be so great that Yumichika could feel it through the round of pain killers and antibiotics. "Try to be still," he whispered.

With a snap, the break was fixed, and Yumichika's eyes began to drip weakly.

"Calm him. He will choke to death if he begins heaving.  _That_  is guaranteed." Ikkaku's heart jumped and he desperately tried to stay calm as they moved right on to the other arm, snapping the multiple breaks into place. Yumichika began to writhe and whimper horribly.

"Stah-...  _ahh!_ " he moaned desperately, hiccuping through his mask as tears wet his swollen cheeks. One of the healers turned up the knob on the respirator yet again.

Hanatarou sterilized the wounds on Yumichika's arms and put small bandages on them. After they completed the healing kidou on the left arm, they revealed wrist straps from beneath the table.

"We'll tie him down after we heal his shoulders. We can't have him moving so soon. The bones are set and weakly healed, but they need to knit together by themselves or he will never fully recover. We can't have them rebreaking," Kotetsu explained.

It only got worse from there. His shoulders were still broken, Ikkaku was told, and there was more damage on his back and rear. Unohana placed the coils of intestine and the newly cleaned liver back in their places and used a small kidou to repair the connective tissues that had held them in their spots.

Unohana yanked the bloody T-pins from Yumichika's skin and tossed them onto the table with the rest of the bloody steelware. Opening the sewing kit, she selected a large needle and a wirey black thread.

Yumichika's skin tugged upwards with each pull, as she worked quickly. Large black stitches ex-ed over the gaping hole in Yumichika's abdomen creating an ugly sideways 'u' that started at the bottom of the ribs, cut through his belly button and ended on his hip.

Everyone relaxed a little bit now that he was closed up, and they took a small break to let Yumichika try to recover. They changed his blood bags again to replenish all that he'd lost, and they covered his middle up with a little blanket.

"There won't be a scar. We will reopen the wound later to sterilize any infections and then use a kidou." Unohana told him. "It will still be very sensitive to touch, but there will be nothing to see."

Ikkaku nodded. Retsu smiled at him.

"Yumichika-san, we're going to mend your legs and pelvic bones and then we'll turn you over." Yumichika's body jerked and something was moaned breathily into his oxygen mask.

"You will rebreak your arms if you move like that so soon," Retsu reprimanded. Yumichika tossed again in distress, eyes rolling to Ikkaku. His eyes seemed to clear and he seemed to break through the wooziness of the gas for a few moments as he spoke louder and more clearly into the gas mask.

The healer who had been at his face translated, "When he's turned over, he wants Madarame-san to leave."

Ikkaku solemnly nodded, not wishing to add to his friend's embarrassment. He gripped Yumichika's hand gently, pleased when he felt the fingers twitch. "Okay, I'll go in a minute then."

Yumichika's purple eyes blinked weakly. Ikkaku wanted to say something to reassure him that he still thought he was kick-ass, and that it was no one's fault, that he was still a strong person, that he was still beautiful, that he would be  _lost_  without him.

But he didn't know how.

Yumichika writhed and tried to keep from making noise as they set his pelvis and hip bones. They turned the gas all the way up, but the agony of it all still seemed to tear through. He grew more vocal, and the noises began to sound like screaming instead of muffled moans.

After some particularly sickening snaps and pops, they utilized a large kidou to heal them all at once. Yumichika was by then a sniffling mess, sobbing quietly, eyes lost and filmed over. At least those cries sounded relieved, as if the pain had faded away now that his bones were in the right spots.

"Ikkha-" he said as loudly as he could, blinking in shock at the ceiling.

"Yumichika?"

"Ah... khan thee," he said, so numb that his mouth wasn't working right. He was probably so high that he could hardly function. He sounded pretty scared, and his eyes were just floating around aimlessly.

"The drugs are strong, Yumichika-san. Has your vision finally fuzzed over?"

"Mmn-" he whimpered. Ikkaku placed his hands on his face, and Yumichika stiffened before he recognized that it was him.

"He can't see anymore?" Ikkaku asked in wonder, moving a finger in front of Yumichika's eyes.

"All that he should be able to see now is different intensities of light. No color, no shapes." Ikkaku nodded and shaded Yumichika's eyes from the bright lights.

"Mmnp-" Yumichika blinked blearily. "Ikkha-"

"That's you," the healer told Ikkaku.

"Yumichika? What is it?"

"Pleeaase... Leavvve," Yumichika said loudly with difficulty, tongue slipping through his drug-high.

"His body's finally going completely numb," Retsu said with satisfaction as she turned the respirator knob down a bit. "Madarame-san, you did excellently. He was in such distress before you came in. You did a very good job calming him. I'm proud of you." She smiled. Ikkaku scuffed his foot on the ground, thanking her for allowing him to come in as he bid Yumichika goodbye.

"You haven't been healed yourself yet, Madarame-san. My unseated officers will see to you if you stand around in the lobby long enough looking like that."

Ikkaku blushed as he realized that he was still covered in deep cuts from his own battles, and the moment he thought of that, pain just exploded through him. He had forgotten that the waxy sticky sensation he felt when he moved was dried blood caked all over his body. Ugh, everything hurt, his muscles, his racing heart, his cuts that had been pulled and irritated throughout his fights.

They quickly and efficiently turned Yumichika over, ushering Ikkaku from the room.

"I'll come back as soon as they're done Yumichika! I'll wait! Promise!" he shouted as they closed the door.

He wiped blood from his hands, and suddenly everything he had just seen hit him full force, and he ran to the bathrooms.

He threw up again and washed his hands and arms over and over, clawing at his face as he looked in the mirror and saw that horrible grin, that grin that he had seen on his own face when they had found Yumichika not three hours ago.

The blood had been smeared upon his own body, on his legs, on his hips, on his groin. Yumichika hadn't just been raped by an Arrancar, it had been by  _him._

His arms shook as he leaned over the sink, knuckles white on the porcelain edges. He looked up into the mirror, and everything flashed yellow.

* * *

_"Yumichika!... Yumichika! Hey wait! Where ya' goin? Yumichika! Wait, I said!"_

_"What is it, Ikkaku?"_

_"We were supposed to eat lunch together, don'tcha remember?... Wait, Who's_ that _?"_

* * *

_"They musta' seen your bankai. Shit, man, m'sorry."_

_"I knew this would happen."_

_"Transfer forms are expected to be turned in by Monday."_

_"Hope ya' have fun being a lieutenant."_

_"I wanted ta' serve under Zaraki till I died..."_

* * *

_"This place is crazy!"_

_"Yeah I'm so glad we came here!"_

_"Hey, Where's Yumichika, have ya' seen him?"_

_"Um, I think he's over there!"_

_"Wait... Who's that he's dancing with?"_

* * *

_"I really should report this."_

_"Could I convince you to... reconsider? Persuade you to keep quiet?"_

_"Are you sure this is entirely proper?"_

_"Are you sure you care? I'd do_  anything _._ "

_"Well perhaps I could... overlook Madarame's bankai.."_

_"Let's_ negotiate... _the terms of our agreement."_

_"Alright, Ayasegawa, I won't talk for as long as this continues... Anything right?"_

_"That's right... Anything."_

* * *

_"Cause of death: decapitation. Subject: Madarame Ikkaku."_

_"Damn, they got the fucker when he had his back turned... 'Didn't even have a chance to draw his sword."_

_"Poor bastard. He'd've never wanted to go that way. He wanted to go down fightin'... with honor."_

* * *

_"What's Madarame doin' to that guy over there?"_

_"Didn'tcha hear? That's the guy who attacked Ayasegawa when they were out a few weeks ago. Madarame finally found the bastard."_

_"What happened?"_

_"There were at a bar, and that guy took Ayasegawa outside when Madarame wasn't lookin', Drugged him and raped 'im."_

* * *

_'What? He's pulling his punches... Even if its just a little bit, he's pulling his punches.'_

_"Ikkaku, you're slowing down, what's the matter?"_

_"Nothin' Yumi, I'm payin' attention!"_

_'What if he really is stronger than me... He might not have a bankai like me, but he always comes out of his fights without even a scratch... And I'm always bleedin' all over.'_

_"Catch me if you can, Ikkaku~"_

_'What if he surpasses me and leaves me behind?'_

* * *

_"Yumichika Ayesegawa, welcome to the Ninth Division."_

_"Heh... I knew you'd make Captain, Yumi..."_

_"Well at least one of us did."_

_"So, ya' wanna celebrate later?"_

_"Not really. I'm too busy now. I have things to do other than drink and traipse around the Rukon districts with you."_

_"Aw what, You don't wanna come?"_

_"No, I rather think I've grown out of your friendship."_

* * *

_"Yes, Captain Zaraki?"_

_"Yer' babysittin' Yachiru t'night."_

_"Isn't Yumichika helpin' me?"_

_"Ahh nope, I think he went out to dinner with his boy-toy."_

* * *

_"Did you hear the stories?"_

_"Well, rumors, yeah, but no one ever really came out and said it-"_

_"He just disappeared one day.. He was never really the same after Madarame died, he never really went back to normal. One day he was just gone, and we haven't seen him since."_

_"He's dead."_

_"How do you know that?"_

_"He told me what he was going to do."_

_"What are you talking about, Matsumoto-san?"_

* * *

_"Where's Yumichika, you guys? Haven't seen him in forever. He was supposed to help me with trainin' the new recruits!"_

_"Didn't you hear, Ikkaku?"_

_"Yeah, he's gonna be gone for awhile still."_

_"What are you guys talkin' about!"_

_"He got married."_

_"What?... No.. No that can't be.."_

* * *

_"Yumichika... I... I think I maybe... I think I'm in love with you."_

_"..."_

_"..."_

_"Hah!... You honestly think I could ever love somebody as ugly as you?"_

_"But, I thought-"_

_"I can hardly stand your company on a day-to-day basis, how on earth could someone as beautiful as I stand to kiss something as disgusting as yourself?"_

_"I dunno... You're right, it's stupid. I wasn't sure if... I dunno', sorry fer mentionin' it."_

* * *

_"Ikkaku, Ikkaku, I can't see, could you lift me up!"_

_"Heh, here Yumi, sit on my shoulder!"_

_"Hah, Woah, don't drop me."_

_"I won't."_

_"Hm, You're very strong, aren't you, Ikkaku?"_

_"Heh, Just cause you're so light."_

_"Flattery will get you everywhere. Hmm,"_

_"Whatcha lookin' for?"_

_"Oh, There he is. Shuuhei! Over here!"_

* * *

_"He looks beautiful."_

_"Real shame you couldn'ta saved him."_

_"Don't take it so hard, Ikkaku."_

_"Here, I brought flowers like ya' asked."_

_"Ya need anything?"_

_"No... No, I don't need anything."_

* * *

_"Hey Renji, I need to talk to you."_

_"What is it?"_

_"You know about my bankai right? How unstable it is?"_

_"Yeh?"_

_"Well, I've been having black-periods during my fights."_

* * *

_"Yumichika, I think I might have feelings for you... I mean, we're best friends, but... I think I might maybe sort of be sweet on you."_

_"Oh, Ikkaku, that's so sweet... It's just... Shuuhei finally... I... I think I'm in love."_

_"I see... There's no way for me ta' compete with him, huh? I wouldn't know how ta' make you happy, anyways."_

_"Well, don't just give up... You could... You could still try."_

_"I just... I don't know how."_

* * *

_"Where's Ikkaku?"_

_"He's been in a punishment cell for a few days, didn't you hear?"_

_"Hear what?"_

_"He's being charged with the murder of his comrades in arms. He apparently went crazy during a fight and slaughtered half of his division. He speared Ayasegawa's head on his yari and carried it all the way back to the gates before he woke up."_

* * *

He gasped, jolting forward, almost hitting his head on the edge of the sink. In front of him, his hand was clenched and bloody, smashed into the now broken mirror.

He took twenty-some minutes to pull himself together before moving into the lobby to wait for service. Some free unseated healers rushed to him and dragged him to a small room to treat his gashes.

Even as they let him go home to use the shower and wash himself clean, the blood just didn't stop coming. It was all over him, Why, why did he feel so guilty?

Blood, blood, everywhere.

Pale legs peppered with a black-red fluid flashed in front of his eyes, and he collapsed on the wet tiles, face next to the drain, watching the brown and red water swirl away from him.

He began shaking horribly again, wondering how Yumichika would ever be able to look him in the eye again.

' _How will I ever be able to help him now... when_ I'm _the one who raped him..."_

He knew it was pathetic and weak and that he didn't deserve to be the broken one right now, not when he was the one who had got off easy, but he couldn't help it after seeing the one he loved get treated so horribly. Seeing those fears, those fears that had seen right into the darkest corners of his heart, they made him see that part of him didn't just care for Yumichika as a friend. He was in love with Yumichika, and he didn't deserve to feel that way, not after what he'd just allowed to be done to him.

There, while he was alone and naked, where no one would ever know or see, the wielder of the dragon-sword cried.


	6. Chapter 6

Ikkaku anxiously awaited Unohana's report, shrugging off his captain's demands that he 'sit the fuck still'. He couldn't sit still, he couldn't go home, he couldn't  _sleep_. Every moment he spent sitting still, his stomach roiled and twisted, and his mind wandered to the horrible act that had been committed against his closest friend. He  _had_  to pace to get rid of that itch and that guilt, and even that small bit of moving around made him feel light-headed.

Yumichika had never really had to spend any serious time in the fourth division before, except the required checkup. Ikkaku couldn't even remember the last time he had gotten hurt in a battle. He didn't remember ever pacing outside Yumichika's hospital room before or being anxious about his well being. He didn't remember ever sitting at his bedside or bringing him flowers or books or blankets - either Yumichika never got hurt, or he was just an uncaring asshole.

Yumichika just  _had_  to be okay. He was the squad's go-to, like everyone's mom, always knowing how to fix shit, solve everyone's problems, and keep everything smelling relatively nice. Yumichika was vital to the big five - now four without Renji-, the constant of the division, one of the five of them that were always there. Yumichika  _always_  pulled through; he wasn't  _allowed_  to die yet. He had to stay right here with Ikkaku.

Where would he go, what would he do without him? He and Yumichika were  _always_  together. They told each other everything and watched each other's backs. He couldn't even remember the last time he'd been apart from Yumichika for more than a day. Ikkaku wouldn't be complete without his fucking  _yang_ , what the hell would happen to him if Yumichika decided to just quit?

It just wasn't fair. Why couldn't it have been him? Why Yumichika, why now, why ever?

He was starting to realize just how much he had taken Yumichika always being there for granted. One day Yumichika might just get fed up with him being rude, dirty, and mean, and he'd just  _leave._ He knew that Hisagi was trying to get him to transfer to his squad.

But what if Yumichika really  _died?_ He really might actually  _die_ , and it was freaking Ikkaku out. It was so much scarier to him now, even though he lived in the squad in which death was laughed at and actively sought out. The squad had completely different members every few years.

But Yumichika seemed so much  _different_. Death suddenly seemed bleak and cruel to Ikkaku. Yumichika just couldn't die, he had to stay. It wasn't fair.

"Hey, Taichou, do you th-"

"God, Shut  _up!_ For the last time, I already said he's gonna' be fine. Shut up already." Kenpachi said this without real conviction, sounding slightly anxious himself. His strategy was complete denial - if he denied that the death was happening, then maybe it wouldn't hurt.

Ikkaku felt like crying. He hated being so helpless. There was no enemy to fight or a brawl to get into or a bet to win. He couldn't do anything to stop this.

If only Yachiru were here to be genuinely positive. Apparently she had been too upset to come back, and was with Byakuya, who was trying to comfort her in his own way. She was distraught. After all, one of her dads was dying.

Finally, the door opened and both heads lifted. Retsu got right to the point.

"It would be easier to tell you what part of him was left undamaged." Unohana sighed as she closed the door to Yumichika's room and met Ikkaku and Zaraki in the hallway.

"The strain is so great upon his body that we are afraid that too many healing kidou may cause him to regress further. If we had left the bones broken or the organs open to the air, he would have died of infection though." She shook her head. "Choices, choices."

"He'll live though," Ikkaku said, using the same tactic as his captain. Somehow that confidently spoken lie didn't comfort him. "He'll live, won't he?" he asked nervously with some paranoia when he didn't receive an immediate answer.

"He may live. It's half and half at this point," Retsu said grimly as she held up her clipboard and began to read.

 _'Fuck, pretty boy's chances are as good as a_ coin toss? _What'm I gonna' do without Kujaku?'_

' _Sleep like normal, you fuck. I'm losing my whole life! Yumichika's always been there, from the very beginning. He's been there longer than even_ you _. What am I supposed to do? I have to do_  something!'

_'You can't punch the death out of him. You have a helluva' hard time coming to grips with things you can't change. You can't threaten death, you can't just drink yourself stupid and hope that things will be better in the morning. You need to reevaluate your life. I mean, you basically make Yumichika go through the same thing on a daily basis, gettin' yourself almost killed. It's not fair for you to be like this._

_'That thing didn't fight him fair!'_

_'It don't matter. You still can't get involved if you tell him he can't with you, you hypocrite.'_

_'Are you telling me to let him die?'_

_'It's not letting him die. If he's gonna' die, he's gonna', and there's nothing you can do. You just need to face that, like me. We don't got any control over this, so don't act like you do.'_

Ikkaku could not fucking deal with this; his throat was going tight and it was freaking him out, because god damnit, he had cried two too many times in the past day. Sadly, that was the only thing that made him feel better.

"The evidence of the injuries sustained points to severe beating. No trace of zanpakutou contact has been found, and all skin breaks are caused either by nails, teeth, or the barbed vines recovered from the scene." Kenpachi had cut a vine from the sword copy and brought it back at Unohana's request.

"Brain activity indicates major trauma, PTSD is to be expected, in fact we think it would be safer to keep him in a coma to keep his own mind from hurting itself. He wasn't just beaten up, there was another factor, as all injuries are agitated." Unohana sighed again, deeply. "Panic. He tried too hard to escape and hurt himself more."

Ikkaku inwardly squirmed, imagining it happening. It was far too graphic, far too violent for him to deal with. He couldn't even think about it without wanting to go murder something in cold blood.

"It seems there was a great pressure put on his middle, causing his ribcage to snap in half and collapse, squeezing his organs. His abdomen was torn apart, and his liver was almost lost."

She paused then, and Ikkaku waited for her to go on. "Deep mental trauma," she repeated, "and rape."

"Injuries?" Zaraki asked gruffly as Ikkaku's knuckles turned white.

"Severe concussion and brain swelling, dislocated lumbar vertebrae, shoulder blades both completely shattered, two broken arms, one with an open bone fracture, both legs broken in multiple places, broken collar bone, every true rib snapped in half, and three false ribs on either side broken in half. Ten of those ribs were broken in multiple places and floated, cutting into organs. One lung punctured, punctured kidney, punctured spleen, ruptured large intestine. Infection risk is high. His rectal passage is torn eleven inches back."

Ikkaku clapped a hand over his mouth, going green. Kenpachi looked up at the ceiling, rubbing his forehead. "How is that even possible," he mumbled, "Fuck, that's sick. I take back every time I said he needed to take jokes like he takes dick."

Ikkaku felt a strong urge to strangle Kenpachi, remembering all the times he'd said that to pick on Yumichika, a little cruelly.

"Minor injuries include cuts and gashes all over his chest and back, claw marks on his legs and arms, and bruises. He'll probably never stand or fight the same again."

Ikkaku put his hands over his face. "Oh my God. This can't be happening."

"We told him we were going to put him into a coma, but he told us that he didn't want that." Unohana gave a deep sigh, glancing back at the door. "Healing kidou were used on most of his organs and broken bones, but the stress became too great for him when we went to heal the muscle and skin damage that he sustained from the rape. He became too distressed and was unable to remain still. He was anesthetized and stitches were utilized."

Kenpachi shifted uncomfortably, thinking about it too much. Stuff like this should never need to happen.

"When he wakes up, we will sedate him enough that he does not agitate his injuries. If he is ready to talk to you, then we will allow you entry. Until then, I can only allow you a few minutes, if you are under control."

Ikkaku swore he'd never be mean to anyone from the Fourth Division ever again. Their bad Eleventh Division reputation was horrible here, and it was finally catching up to them.

What he wouldn't do to stay there next to Yumichika until he was better. He'd never punch the little squirts again. Maybe once Yumichika got better, he'd buy them all drinks as a thank you.

 _If_  Yumichika got better.

* * *

"Looks horrible," Kenpachi said bluntly, voice tight. Ikkaku glared at him, rubbing Yumichika's bandaged head. He was feverish and sweaty, eyes rolling slowly under closed lids. Ikkaku wiped at his teary mucus-encrusted lashes with a tissue.

"Don't say that to him." Poor beautiful prissy vain-ass angel, lying there so damaged and innocent-like. He'd help Yumichika kick that jerk in the ass someday, even if he had to carry him on piggy-back. He'd punch his teeth out and then he'd rip out his nails and then he'd cut off his fingers real slow and then  _maybe_  he'd have mercy and kill the bastard.

He should've let Kenpachi have a few rounds with the stupid punching-bag before killing him. Maybe then he could've vented some of this anger and desperation.

 _Look at Yumichika_ , just  _look_  at him. He was a wreck - completely shattered into a million beautiful little pieces. ' _Just look what he's done to you',_  Ikkaku thought, getting choked up, taking Yumichika's hand, strung up and bruised from the tight wires holding his knuckles in a splint.

"Don't say that to him, Taichou," he repeated in a raspy cracked voice. Kenpachi scuffed his toe on the ground, coming around the bed cautiously. He seemed leery of coming too close to Yumichika, still seeming to want to deny that any of this had happened.

Oh, god, how badly did Ikkaku want to nab Yumichika by the shoulders and just shake him until he woke up, but he knew, this time he couldn't just tell Yumichika to 'walk it off' like he was so accustomed to doing to his subordinates after drunken brawls and bloody knuckles and broken jaws. This was different.

"He can't hear anyways," Kenpachi stated the obvious, having a hard time looking straight at Yumichika, adjusting the blanket on his legs a little, wrapping up his cold feet.

"Still... He won't rest easy." Ikkaku stared back at Yumichika's broken body. The bandages were red and brown all over. He smelled like antiseptic and... hospital. His breathing was raspy and sticky through his open mouth; the poor guy. "He'll know... an' he'll complain about it when he wakes up," he whispered, praying really hard that he could give Yumichika some of his luck, _the good_   _kind_ , which he had as often as the bad.

One of Yumichika's legs was in a splint. That one had rebroken. Poor thing. Ikkaku was crestfallen. He rubbed Yumichika's arm gently. He felt like he was holding a butterfly that had had its wings ripped off, or a dead kitten.

"Admit it though, it's bad." Zaraki crossed his arms, avoiding looking at Yumichika at all costs. They both had a hard time with these kinds of situations. If Yachiru cried, he could just go murder the people who had caused it. If Yumichika was sad over being called some bad names regarding his sexuality, he could just go make them wish they'd never been born. If Ikkaku got depressed over being out of beer, they could just fight and go get some more.

This, he could not fix, not with all of his immense strength, and it was hard to accept. "Say it."

"No." Ikkaku plopped down next to Yumichika's form, elbow on his knee, chin in hand.

"He can't always look good. One of 'ya should just admit it." Kenpachi shrugged. "I think your luck's just run out finally or something."

"Taichou, be quiet." Ikkaku glared at him. "You're jinxing it. An' he looks just fine." Kenpachi rolled his eyes, mumbling that if he said it enough times he might start believing it.

Yumichika coughed in his sleep, moaning immediately afterwards, awakening from his sleep due to the pain against his ribs. He blinked blearily around the room, head swaying a little from the drugs.

He whimpered, trying to cough again, but was unable, and tried to speak in a raspy whisper, "Help... I need help." Ikkaku and Kenpachi stared, remaining silent. Yumichika began to cry pitifully.

"Oh shit, what hurts?"

Yumichika just sniffled pitifully, jerking awkwardly under the sheets. The bedspread was turning stickier and warmer and  _redder_ the more he moved.

Zaraki opened the door, glancing at Ikkaku. "I can't watch this. I'll come back later." Ikkaku didn't even turn around.

"Shhh, no, no, no, don't do that," Ikkaku said desperately, wiping at his tears. "I can't stand when you cry."

Yumichika was what you would call a pretty crier. His face didn't get red or puffy, his nose didn't run profusely, but his eyes got big, round, and glassy and diamonds dripped down his cheeks. His lip wobbled and his lashes sparkled. Sparklets streamed down his straight nose.

The fact that Yumichika hadn't immediately asked for a mirror scared him more than the crying did. He had a feeling that that's why Zaraki left. He had known something was very wrong, that maybe if Yumichika had died, it would've been putting him out of a lot of misery.

Maybe the pain had just driven him mad.

"Please don't, Yumi. Just tell me what to do."

"T-" He tried to speak, but his voice was a whisper. He couldn't talk. His large glassy eyes blinked emptily, seeing right through Ikkaku.

"Just whisper, take your time."

"Turn the kno-" his voice cracked, "knob... Up." He wiggled his fingers at the end of the soft cast on his right arm, pointing. "There... Over there... I think."

"Which direction?"

"... Right."

"Okay. Does it really hurt that bad?"

"Yess," he forced out. Yumichika wriggled awkwardly again, eyes swimming and crossing and unfocusing over and over.

"Tell me what you need, and I'll get it for you."

"Could you get me..."

"Yes?"

"Please... the third seat of the Eleventh Division... I have a message... for him." Ikkaku startled, waving a hand in front of Yumichika's face. No flinching. He was blind.

"And please... just stay... here for a while. You sound... you sound so like him... but... he'd never come here." Ikkaku's heart wrenched, because Yumichika was right to think that way. He probably wouldn't have come if it wasn't serious.

Yumichika's eyes rolled back, and he began twitching. Ikkaku scrambled over the bed and slammed his fist down on the panic button.

Ikkaku walked home, stark white.

He never wanted to see that again. Not ever.

He never wanted to see the multiple IV lines jammed into Yumi's thin arms. He never wanted to see that bandaged... everything. He never wanted to hear the rasp of his breath again either. He didn't want to.

Yumichika was vibrant, beautiful, and full of character and life. But... He'd been so quiet, so still in that bed, eyes closed, like a corpse.

The lieutenant's quarters that had been donated to them were so empty and silent, the light from the candles that Yumichika had lit earlier shining on the calligraphy scrolls on the wall. Wax dribbled onto the wooden table, smoke trailing through the air.

It smelled like the incense you would light for a wake.

Ikkaku curled up in Yumichika's futon and shook all night, yellow eyes staring back at him from the wall.

* * *

Yumichika could feel his eyes blink blearily, mucus in the corners. He couldn't see anything, and couldn't tell if his eyes were open or shut... He squeezed his lids liberally and felt them close.

His head must weigh a thousand pounds.

He tried to move, limbs stirring sluggishly. He could hear distant noises, and vaguely realized what he already knew: That he was in the hospital.

He couldn't remember the last time he'd awakened. The drugs were strong and he didn't like them; they gave him bad, vivid dreams. He was losing his memories, unable to focus for more than a few moments on what was real.

His numb limbs prickled and itched. His insides tightened involuntary and fire shot up through him as his muscles squeezed around thorny stitches. A dull ache that seemed to be at the end of a long tunnel pressed down upon him from all directions.

He cleaved his tongue from the roof of his mouth, smacking his lips once, trying to swallow. He twitched his fingers.

_'Is this a coma? Or a dream?'_

_'Maybe this is what death is like,_ Kujaku whispered.  _I can't tell where I am, everything's so foggy and wet.'_

Frightening teal eyes gave a violent flash in front of him. His blood began to pump,and immediately his injuries throbbed with pain.

_"I'm here... My sweet."_

Whatever sort of consciousness he had, fled from him as icy white fingers clawed his arms and filled him with snow and sleet.

_"Scream..."_

And he screamed and screamed and screamed, and no one,  _no one heard him._


	7. Chapter 7

Ikkaku rose gracefully with the sun, rolling out of bed and onto the floor with a loud clunk as the limbs he had slept on top of flopped uselessly.

Check that.  _Yumichika_  was one to rise gracefully. Ikkaku just rose.

Well, sometimes.

He tried to right himself, but he only succeeded in knocking things about as blood returned to his deadened arms, leaving him unsteady and clumsy.

Damnit, he couldn't even rise _period._

"Yumi... Close the curtains, will ya?" It was too bright in here, why did Yumichika always have to leave the window open at night?

He sat up sharply, gasping loudly. Three silent seconds passed, and Ikkaku blinked owlishly. Then his shoulders slumped in despair, and he flopped backwards, shiny head clunking against the floorboards as he went back down too fast.

He gave a low pitiful moan. "Yumiiii..." He gave another moan even though he knew that he was alone in their quarters.

Finally he rolled onto his stomach, still banging his now tingling arms against the ground. He took a look up at Yumichika's calligraphy, hung above their beds.

The symbols of power, the sun, and the dragon, were above Ikkaku's bed, with the symbols of rain and, of course, beauty, above Yumichika's. Beautiful, thick, black kanji, written with Yumichika's smooth, warm hand.

A crumpled hand, cold and pale like a corpse's.

Ikkaku startled violently, hands flying upwards to clumsily cover his eyes. "No, no, no."

Guilt and remorse and  _despair_  flooded over him in thick heavy waves. Never had he felt so bad about something that had happened to Yumichika. Never had he felt so accountable, or responsible for his friend's pain. Never had he more wanted to devote all his time to fixing him.

But he had no idea what to do. Never had he felt so helpless. What, Oh what could he do?

He lay there feeling miserable for a while, trying to convince himself that if he was positive, maybe it would help Yumichika. Bad energy wasn't good for the poor thing.

After he finally rose, he scarfed down a quick breakfast of tamago-yaki and a bit of salmon that Yumichika had cooked days ago. He put some of the egg and some rice into a box with the fish, before realizing the Yumichika wouldn't be able to eat it quite yet. He gave up quickly and focused on getting out of their rooms and rushing to see Yumichika.

In his hurry to leave to go visit his friend, he attempted to throw on his dirty clothes from the day before, but that proved impossible as they were nothing more than tatters.

Ten minutes later he was bursting into the clinic. Two minutes after that he was fumbling over a weak, incoherent Yumichika.

"Madarame Ikkaku. Juu-ichi-ban tai sanban-seki, please listen... Bring... Bring him to me... Please."

Ikkaku frowned in distress as Yumichika still was unable to see him, those glistening violet eyes filmed over. He gently lifted a hand to close the lids over those orbs, warning Yumichika of the contact by first touching his hair and sliding his hand over his forehead and down over his eyes.

"It's me, Yumichika, I'm here, It's Ikkaku."

"Ikkaku,"

"Yes, I'm here, it's me," Ikkaku said, wincing at his panicked-sounding voice.

"... Good," Yumichika said, sighing, unseeing eyes drifting open before closing once again. "I thought you weren't going to come..."

And his friend looked so small and helpless in his hospital bed, his voice desolate and void of hope. "I thought you had forgotten about... about me. I thought you weren't... going to come.."

Ikkaku's heart broke a little in his chest, his eyebrows clenching together in anguish,"Of course I came ta' see ya'. Had ta' make sure ya' were doin' alright.."

"You worried about me..." Yumichika's mouth twitched into a wretched attempt at a smile, and Ikkaku couldn't tell if that had been a question or a tentative statement.

"Of course I did, I care about'cha."

Yumichika's eyes blinked stickily, and after a second, he said in a rather delusional, almost comatose state, "I was sure that you weren't coming... I hoped for so long... I was sure that you weren't coming," he repeated, speaking very very slowly and monotonously. "I called, but you didn't come."

Ikkaku frowned, suddenly feeling eager to make it up to Yumichika for some odd reason, even though the long waiting period that Yumichika had experienced had been a delusion. Ikkaku had been there just a few hours ago, last night in fact.

"Yumichika, I was here yesterday." Yumichika didn't seem to hear him.

"At first I thought that you would... but you didn't... I hoped for so long," he repeated again, eyes drifting to the area where Ikkaku's voice had emanated from.

"Yumi, I'm here now."

"Yes... Yes, that's right. You came to get me." His voice flickered, and his eyes cleared a bit, one of them leaking a bit of teary mucus onto his cheek.

"Yeah, I got ya', you idiot." Ikkaku laughed nervously in relief, wiping him with a tissue.

"Good," Yumichika sighed contentedly, eyes fluttering shut once again, and his whole body seemed more limp than before, sinking into the bed.

Ikkaku cupped Yumichika's hand with his two larger ones, curling his friend's fingers into a loose fist. He warmed and stroked his knuckles and palm with his calloused hands, watching the small movement of Yumichika's stomach, rising and sinking with his breath.

After about ten minutes, Ikkaku was sure that Yumichika was asleep, and eased out of his chair to go find Unohana-Taichou. Yumichika jolted in his bed, whimpering and scrambling around with his hands.

He gasped continually, struggling to sit up in his bed, yanking his arms against the tubes and needles and tape all over him. When he still didn't feel Ikkaku's presence anywhere near, unable to see that he was still right there, he panicked further.

"I- Ii- Ikka-" he began hyperventilating, breaths coming short and forced, chest convulsing from effort. Ikkaku's heart jerked and began pumping rapidly as Yumichika's breaths cut off. A gurgling noise came from Yumichika's mouth as he tried to draw breathe, sucking down his closed throat, but receiving no air.

Yumichika was panicking.

This had happened in the past in moments of high stress, but never as bad as this where he had become so stressed that his muscles locked, and he was unable to breathe. Ikkaku was stricken.

Yumichika's head fell back, body stiffening up, muscles straining as he retched for air.

"Yumi, Yumi, stop," Ikkaku began patting Yumichika on the chest and the side of the face, "Yumi, what's wrong!?"

Yumichika was convulsing in his panic, body jerking, eyes rolling back as though he were seizing. His lips were beginning to turn blue.

"No, no, Yumichika, breathe, breathe love, Come on-" Ikkaku's voice rose hysterically, not knowing what to do, "Just breathe, what's the matter?! Calm down, I'm right here, I won't let anything happen to you!"

Yumichika began gasping, drenched in sweat, gripping Ikkaku's wrists like a vise.

Ikkaku dropped his forehead down onto Yumichika's chest in considerable relief, and the smaller man relaxed further at the closer contact trying to pin his head there with his weak arms. He rubbed Yumichika's stomach in soothing circles, attempting to relax his diaphragm.

"Wha' was that abou', ya' idiot, yer' scarin' me ta' death," Ikkaku growled, not unkindly, reverting back to his old childhood pattern of speech. "Wha's the matter wit' ya'?"

Yumichika continued to gasp, breaths sounding similar to weeping, shuddery and thin, but without the sorrow or the tears.

Ikkaku's heart eventually slowed as he felt soft but clumsy hands stroking his head. More gently he inquired, "Yumi? Are you okay? What's wrong?"

Yumichika's breathing slowed down a little bit, but his gasping continued, "Not safe... 'M not safe... Y-" He began to panic again, "Don't leave me here... I'm- 'm Not safe here!" His voice cracked and rasped, and his fingers dug into the fabric of Ikkaku's clothing, "I need y- I need you to-" He gasped out, struggling to breathe once again, beginning to blubber and shake, "You have to stay, or he'll get me,"

His whole body shuddered, breathing hard, before his back arched off the bed horribly. Ikkaku knew what was going to happen a moment before it did, grabbing a near container. He slid an arm behind Yumichika's back and supported him as he violently expelled the liquid nutrients that the IV's had been filling him with.

Ikkaku stroked his hair as he retched, and held his face to his chest after his convulsing had ceased.

Frankly, he was scared out of his mind that Yumichika hadn't made a comment about being too hideous to be seen, or being embarrassed about vomiting basically next to Ikkaku. He hadn't said a word about vanity or anything of the sort, and this was so uncharacteristic of him that Ikkaku was very worried as to Yumichika's current state of mind.

Especially since he seemed to think that someone was after him and that he was in danger. And on top of that, the fear was distressing him to the point of spasms.

Continuing to stroke Yumichika's face and hold him against his body, he moved the soiled bowl to a nearby table, deciding not to buzz for the healers just yet.

"No one's gonna' get ya', I'm right here. I won't let anything happen," he held Yumichika's head to his warm chest, stroking his sweaty forehead and hair.

Yumichika's trembling slowly ceased, and again, Ikkaku was sure that he had fallen to sleep. He was startled when Yumichika spoke.

"No one... can protect me from fear," He said in a way that sent chills down Ikkaku's spine. A terrible feeling of foreboding and apprehension took over Ikkaku, and he felt a doomed sense of dread settle on his shoulders. "But if you stay, maybe he will leave me alone."

"What are you talking about, sweetheart," he said hurriedly and nervously, pet name slipping out.

"You can't leave me... alone... I'm not safe, Ikkaku. He's gonna' get me."

"He's dead, Yumichika... You're safe, no one's coming for you, You're safe," Ikkaku rubbed his head absently, stroking his cheek more than his hair.

"No," Yumichika said in a ghastly and haunted manner, and his blind eyes looked directly at Ikkaku, scaring him half to death, "No... You're wrong. Fear is always with us. You can't leave me alone... You have to... keep me safe. Please, I never ask anything of you, but please protect me, please," he whispered, sounding choked up.

He truly began to drift into sleep now, "Ikkaku... Ikkaku... hh-"

"Of course I will. Won't let anyone touch ya'." Ikkaku turned the drugs down - they were messing with Yumichika's head.

Although he felt bad about breaking his word to Yumichika, even if he'd fallen asleep before hearing his promise, he wormed his way out from Yumichika's grip and sought out Unohana.

"That dope is makin' him paranoid, he's not thinking straight. An' why can't e' see still?" he asked bluntly. Unohana did not smile.

"Side effects, Madarame-san. If we were to take him off it to allow him his sight, he would be in a considerable more amount of pain and mental distress."

"He's in both now, anyways.."

"He sustained massive injuries, reportedly from a doppelgänger of yourself," Unohana replied sweetly to his disrespectfulness. "Isn't that convenient that only your captain can vouch for you, and that the criminal looks exactly like you?"

Ikkaku turned away sharply, eyes wide, heart clenching. "That's not- I'd never... It wasn't me."

A shrill scream was heard from down the hall, and everything around him... began to crumble...


	8. Chapter 8

Kenpachi huffed as he ran through the thick wilderness. He hadn't seen Yachiru all day. She hadn't woken him from his nap earlier, and she hadn't dropped by for candy, or to ask him to play. No one had seen her, and she was pretty difficult  _not_  to see, regardless of how well she'd figured out how to break into Byakuya's home.

His hakama were soaking wet up to the knee, he was cold and muddy, and he was  _lost_  on top of it. Maybe Yachiru was lost too and they just kept missing each other. Maybe she was at home, decorating his office with corpses and pink paper hearts. Maybe she was playing hide-and-seek and had fallen asleep in her hiding spot.

Maybe she needed him.

Kenpachi's feet were cold and numb, and he was sure that he'd cut them a few times what with the way he was running through brambles and sharp sticks without hesitation. Overall, he felt pitiful, and increasingly uneasy, nearly helpless. He'd lost Yachiru!

' _Meh, can't be feelin' worse than Yumichika.'_

He shuddered. Something about the whole situation didn't feel right to him. There was something wrong about it. It just wasn't right, and it took violence way over the top for him. It just wasn't right.

Being stuck in that room with that poor thing made him feel... something. It wasn't guilt, not quite disgust, and was mixed in with rage that hadn't been quenched by killing the cause of Yumichika's sufferings. He didn't know what it was, but he knew he had to figure it out. Something wasn't right, and it was something important.

Something about the injuries, something about how it all had happened, something about the whole ordeal, how it had happened just after he'd left, like it had been planned, almost in a chain... It didn't add up...

It was starting to get dark. He shouted Yachiru's name into the trees once again, growing exasperated. Where was that kid? It's not like he was her dad or anything, or that he wanted to baby her and have her in bed by eight, reading her princess stories or something; She wasn't  _his_  daughter, she wasn't his responsibility-

Nope. He couldn't even make himself believe it. Where was  _his_  goddamn kid?

He had been thinking for a while, thinking hard. Something wasn't right. Something was not right, and it was causing a deep unease to settle in the pit of his gut, something that war didn't cause, something that gore or violence or even drinking too much didn't cause. What was it?

Something about that stupid Arrancar.

Something about that thing had really unsettled him. It had changed Ikkaku into something that the man tried to hide; It had forced him to care, had forced him to show his intense fear of Yumichika dying before him, it  _forced_  him to show all the tears he would cry and all the enraged screams that he'd held in.

Ikkaku's reaction and 'fear-monger' made sense, but Yumichika's?... Not so much.

Like Ikkaku's, it had changed him greatly.  _Unlike_  Ikkaku's, it wasn't something that Yumichika probably had ever even  _thought_ about. Yumichika would  _never_  be afraid of Ikkaku doing something like that; the two of them  _lived_  together for God's sake. Why had something so over-the-top manifested itself in the place of what should be Yumichika's deepest, most subconscious fear?

It had put real fear into Ikkaku, something that Ikkaku never admitted or felt, probably keeping it in denial even from himself... So was this a representation of what their soul's torture was? Ikkaku's soul was the embodiment of greif and fear of loss... And... Oh god, Yumichika's aspect was supposed to embody  _suffering?_ What could he possibly be holding in that would be causing him so much agony? Was this a reflection of how much mental pain he'd been keeping secret?

Kenpachi had always thought that there was something that wasn't genuine about Yumichika. He seemed more bloodthirsty than he openly admitted, and he often held back and allowed Ikkaku to fight in his stead, under pretense of letting his friend have his fun.

That fear manifestation... Ikkaku had said it was some trick. Something that had scared him. The eyeball thing, the color change... That seemed to have been the trigger.

He remembered the unnatural orange color those eyes had turned as they looked towards his face, and the thrill of raw, irrational, powerful  _fear_  that had rushed through him before he sliced the eyes in half. He remembered, and he had seen, he had  _seen._

_Yachiru._

He shuddered. He had to find her quick - he was gonna' spank her for scaring him this bad. Hopefully he would have that option; hopefully she wasn't lying in a ditch somewhere, bleeding from her neck.

It still didn't make sense; what motivation would that Arrancar have to single his two favorite subordinates out? Why would that Arrancar want to rape Yumichika? Was it just some entity that fed off of human suffering, and searched for the most misery it could find?

Kenpachi knew for a fact that Yumichika couldn't  _possibly_  be afraid that Ikkaku would hurt him like that. Madarame would  _die_ before doing that; He'd sacrifice his dream of having a warrior's death, because he would  _never_  do something like that to his best friend.

It had seemed more like... like the hollow had wanted to break him in the worst way possible. It was the embodiment of the torture that Yumichika felt inside, manifesting itself along with something that would scare him, even though Yumichika didn't have a conscious phobia of Ikkaku attacking him in such a way.

People aren't scared of vampires, because they know the likelihood that they would die getting bitten by one is slim to none. If the vampire  _was_  real however, they'd be terrified. It was sort of dormant fear, a scariness that was kept under the realm of possibility and subconscious thought, just waiting for an opportunity to be unveiled and felt in all of its horrible glory.

Still, even if that was true, what was this eons-old Arrancar doing singling them out like that?

It didn't sit well with Kenpachi. He just couldn't make peace with this, let alone make sense of it.

People usually thought from his brute strength that he was extremely stupid - Kurotsuchi Mayuri, for one. Whether that was simply because of his size, his deplorable handwriting, or his violent nature, he didn't know, but he was rather clever at times, and he knew that something about this just didn't click.

Ikkaku's fear had made a sad sort of sense to him. Ikkaku feared Yumichika dying in battle and being left all alone; he was just in denial about it, which was why he was the opposite of concerned whenever Yumichika got hurt.

But didn't Yumichika fear Ikkaku's death more? Why hadn't Yumichika's fear embodiment show up similarly? It didn't make sense for Yumichika to be afraid of Ikkaku violating him.

Maybe it wasn't directly the rape... He was afraid of Ikkaku hating him, but how could that be? What could Yumichika possibly have done to bring about such a horrible thing?

He thought again about how this must have something to do with an agony to his soul - something he was keeping inside. But what could it be, what could it possibly be that he thought he had to take it to his grave and never speak it aloud, lest Ikkaku hate him?

Surely, it couldn't be his sexuality - he wasn't exactly subtle about it, and definitely wasn't ashamed by it. So what could it be? He'd had an affair with Ikkaku's best friend? He'd killed Ikkaku's family? He'd put a red sock in the wash with Ikkaku's white clothes?

Maybe it wasn't so much their greatest fear that they saw, but a combination of terror, shock value, and... the one thing that would break them.

For all the fronts Ikkaku put up, Kenpachi knew he was smitten with Yumichika. Perhaps the dolt hadn't even realized it himself yet, but he was just  _gone_  on Yumichika. Zaraki knew that Ikkaku wouldn't survive without the other man. His death would break his heart, drive him insane with loneliness, guilt, and regret especially.

It wasn't difficult for him to imagine Ikkaku talking aloud to himself like Yumichika was still with him, playing checkers alone at home, carrying Yumichika's shattered sword hilt on his belt next to his own.

Those pained, anguished tears hadn't sat well with him. It was somehow very distressing to see a normally tough macho guy break down in tears,  _r_ _eal_  tears. Not those stupid sobs many of the division put on when they were out of beer.  _Real_  sadness, _real_  grief,  _real_ loss.

Suddenly the thought crossed Kenpachi's mind that Yumichika's injuries should have killed him. He was lying in a hospital bed, delirious, weepy, and pain-wracked, but alive. It was a miracle that he had survived.

Kenpachi didn't understand. There had always been something about Yumichika that seemed inauthentic, something he was hiding. He always came out too clean.  _How_  had he survived? Maybe it was Ikkaku's stubborn luck, not allowing him to die, even though the injuries were ridiculously severe.

Finally, he thought of himself and what he himself had seen when looking fear in the face; that instant of seeing Yachiru there...

Horror curled in his gut, and he had to forcibly wipe the look off his face and become calm once again. Just thinking about it sent a thrill of irrational terror through his whole body.

When it came down to it, everyone's greatest  _greatest_  fear, even if they don't know it, must be of something that could make them so broken that they could no longer recognize themselves.

But something... something still was wrong.

Something about the Arrancar. Something about his motives and his methods. Something about the way he seemed to especially single out Yumichika.

Why had he done that? He seemed to have gone much too far on Yumichika as opposed to Ikkaku, who by comparison seemed to have gotten off easy... It's like the Arrancar was just trying to prove a point about how much Yumichika had to put up with by comparison.

What was it that was giving Kenpachi this feeling that he had forgotten something important? Something about the Hollow.

Something about the ever-haunted look in Yumichika's eyes, as if he had felt this pain before and was growing weary of bearing through it silently. The look in his eyes as though he was still being tortured by something that he couldn't escape, even though the hollow was dead and gone.

Then it hit him.

When a hollow was killed, their corpse dissipated, disappeared, turned to dust and blew away. The Arrancar's body hadn't. It had had its throat torn out, and had been stabbed multiple times, enough to kill any normal being, but it hadn't disappeared.

His spine suddenly felt encased in ice, and for the first time in his life he didn't feel safe, he felt trapped and unprotected, as though he couldn't take care of himself. He felt exposed and  _scared,_  he could admit. His vertebrae were being infused with icicles, freezing him from the inside out.

It hadn't disappeared, because-

Kenpachi's eyes widened as a sinister whisper entered his ear.

Punctured eye sockets locked onto his face, bleeding the same horrifying orange like neon magma. He couldn't tear his eyes away, and the color was consuming him, was drowning him. There was nothing but this blinding heat and this glowing color swallowing him up. He was burning inside, but was frozen in place, and Kenpachi knew this feeling must be absolute  _terror_.

A tiny pink-haired corpse was tossed forward, and it hit the ground so hard that the impact seemed to rattle in Kenpachi's head forever.

"You can't kill fear."

* * *

Yumichika was drifting... drifting, just drifting in a drug-induced haze, the kind of sleep that comes uncomfortably, forcibly... the kind of sleep that suffocates you, squeezing your ears and your throat as though you had a horrible cold.

He was drifting... Where was he going?

_'Where am I? Where am I going now?'_

He felt like he was swimming, swimming through thick soup. What was he looking for? He was looking for something.

_'No... Looking for someone.'_

Who?... Who was it?

He felt a sense of loss as he floated through the fog, vaguely aware of his physical body as it prickled and ached, burning against the thin hospital mattress. He needed to turn over or he would get bed sores. He needed someone to help him turn over or his back would burst into flames.

Flames... There were no flames here, just fog and mist.

He became aware that he had been waiting, waiting for a long time... Waiting for what? Putting it together, he knew he was waiting for the someone he had been looking for.

Suddenly the fog grew warm, pulsating around him, chasing away his conscious pain. A familiar smell wafted in his direction...

He grew frustrated... He should know it... He knew he should know what it was...

_'Why can't I remember?'_

Suddenly, the feeling fled, and the warmth and the smell was gone. He was cold. He was so cold.

_'It's dark... I'm alone.'_

He knew, that someone was about to find him... someone familiar. He was chilled to the bottom of his spine.

_'But who?'_


	9. Chapter 9

White fingers knotted into thick black hair, lifting a decapitated head from the ground. The detatched face smiled wickedly, winking a punctured eye as its own body retreated into the distant trees, carrying it.

Kenpachi's knees buckled, and he sunk into the mud in exhaustion and despair, eyes slipping closed. He let out a breath of relief; he finally had ripped free of the terror the monster incited simply with its presence.  _But no!_  He snapped violently awake; He couldn't rest! He was missing something vital!

His hands scrambled around in the dirt frantically, not giving a thought for the sword that he'd sworn never to drop if his limbs were still attached. He shuffled through mud and leaves and dead matted grass. She had been  _here_ , he was  _sure_  of it. Where was Yachiru?

_Where was she? Where was his baby?_

He beat uselessly at the ground with his fists, panting with his eyes wide. It couldn't have been real. It couldn't have been. She had been  _here_.

Could he not even have her  _body?_

The devil of the Zaraki district began howling for his precious Yachiru, muddy hands clamped and knotted in his spiked hair.

* * *

Ikkaku knew, the moment the screeches hit his ears, that something was horribly  _horribly_  wrong.

Suddenly a massive spirit pressure blasted over the hospital, and everything was silent for one singular moment. Then the tension broke, and windows shattered, sending sparkling glass everywhere; wind sent medical records flying through the halls. An alarm sounded in the distance, signalling a hollow attack.

Fourth Division members scrambled through the hallways in exasperation that their division had exploded just as everyone had to leave. Most of them exited, others locked doors and hurriedly put away equipment.

Unohana swore, since a window had broken next to her and had scattered glass bits onto her hair and haori. "Perfect timing as always, Yamamoto Sou-Taichou," she mumbled, before jetting away with shunpo.

Ikkaku leaned a hand against the newly cracked plaster wall to stabilize himself as his knees buckled. He'd never felt such a heavy, overbearing reiatsu before. He thought it might be Kurosaki, but even Ichigo couldn't... Ugh, Ikkaku couldn't breathe. He felt as though he would suffocate. Even the captain in full release could never summon an energy this massive as to drive him to his knees... Surely, it couldn't be-

Kenpachi came tearing around the corner of the long hospital corridor, eye patch long gone. Ikkaku was severely startled as the energy-charged monster turned on him and raced towards him.

"Ikkaku!"

The deranged looking man stared Madarame down with both of his glowing golden eyes before seizing him by the shoulders and shaking him viciously. "Why did you leave Yumichika alone, you idiot?!" Ikkaku choked, gaping and gasping like a fish.

Kenpachi gave him a half-hearted punch to the shoulder, and the reiatsu dropped almost to nothing. "You... You  _idiot-_ " Zaraki's voice crackled. Ikkaku noticed that his golden eyes were rimmed in red. His scarred cheeks were raw and moist. Zaraki's uniform was ragged and caked with dried dirt and blood, "Do you even know what's happening, you useless piece of-" Kenpachi's voice cut off as he began coughing.

Ikkaku stared at him blankly, the fact that Yachiru wasn't on his captain's shoulder registering distantly. "Tai... Taichou?"

Kenpachi's nails dug into Ikkaku's shoulders as he bitterly forced out, "You can't kill fear." He grabbed him by his upper arms and dragged him down the hallway at a break-neck pace, hurtling towards Yumichika's room.

Then Ikkaku knew. Oh, he  _knew_.

He gasped, "It's alive..."

"I cut the bitch's head off  _five times."_  Zaraki's muddy arms were shaking. "He just..." Kenpachi's throat closed.

"Captain," Ikkaku cut him off, running alongside his captain now, breathless. "What did you see?" he asked seriously, knowing that whatever it was, it had deeply shaken Zaraki.

"He cut out Yachiru's heart," Zaraki said quickly, as if it wouldn't hurt him as badly to say if he said it quickly. He began to tug Ikkaku down the hall even faster, and they ran towards the sound of Yumichika's demented screams.

"Oh, fuck... He was trying to warn me... He  _told_  me not to leave him alone."

Strange reiatsu that Ikkaku knew he should've recognized sooner seeped through the walls. It was suffocating, coming underneath the doors, and through keyholes, and from underneath the floorboards. Kenpachi made a strange noise of ill ease, face grey.

They raced down the white hallway, and all Ikkaku could think was that he'd let this happen, that he'd let the thing have an opportunity to get Yumichika when he was alone and helpless.

It was all a blur, all a horrible wretched blur.

That, that  _devil_  was pinning Yumichika to the bed, practically bending his poor body in half as he thrust violently downwards. The hospital bed rocked and shook, splattering blood onto the white walls and the white linoleum floor. The reiatsu was so intense that Ikkaku could hardly stand, let alone move.

The Arrancar hadn't bothered to shapeshift and had its paper white torso bare and on display. Long fangs were clamped onto the junction between his victim's neck and shoulder, puncturing and tearing the delicate skin mercilessly. The sheets were soaked with so much blood that it was dribbling onto the floor and creating a puddle.

And the  _screaming,_  how loudly Yumichika was screaming; more loudly than before, more desperately and with renewed passion and agony. He was beating his fists against the bed and thrashing around as much as his crunched body would allow. He sobbed and gasped for air, clawing uselessly at the mattress. There was blood squelching between his fingers and running down his face and spattered across his legs.

The Arrancar released his neck, sucking a drop of blood from its lips before turning to grin at Ikkaku and Kenpachi. He roughly shoved Yumichika's legs back further, forcing his knees down next to his ears. He thrust deeply, exaggerating his moans as he pushed Yumichika's ankles down.

Ikkaku was frozen for a moment, still paralyzed by the fear demon's spell, the shock of what he was seeing holding him in place. Then Yumichika's tortured, streaming, violet eyes squarely met his.

The trance was broken, and Ikkaku lunged, seizing the Arrancar by the hair at the back of its neck, dragging it roughly off the sobbing, desecrated, bloody mess of his best friend.

"The fuck are you doin', you piece of  _shit?!"_  Ikkaku slammed him against the wall. Kenpachi seethed as he gathered up the wailing Yumichika, wrapping him tightly in a clean sheet, holding him securely. He spoke a few words of reassurance, promising safety, and patted his back before setting him down on the floor in the corner. Yumichika couldn't bear to be touched, hiccuping and weeping pitifully, rocking himself as snot and tears wet his messy bloody face.

"It's not fair... It's not fair that he should suffer so much when you get off scott free, you pathetic bastard." Ikkaku spat straight into the beast's ugly, punctured eyes, holding him by the throat as he roughed him up. Kenpachi yanked the monster's head back by his hair, exposing the bloody mix of white and red skin that was the Arrancar's freshly healed neck, forcing him to bare it so Ikkaku could slice it open again.

"Well, you scumbag?  _Say something!_ " Ikkaku hollered in rage, shaking the monster roughly enough to make it bite its tongue.

"Heh- Heh- What's the point? You know what I am, and you know that I will  _never go away."_  Ikkaku's eyes narrowed, considering using an ash stake and a few dozen fireballs, maybe borrow a rusty hatchet from Renji.

" _Fear never dies!"_ the beast shouted, grinning maniacally. "There's only one way to get rid of me, but I guess you don't know what it is yet." His split tongue flitted over his bloody fangs.

Ikkaku punched him in the mouth, intent on knocking all his teeth down his throat, "What are you talking about, bastard?!" he punctuated each word with a blow.

The Arrancar ignored him. "Oh well, I guess Yumi-chan's pain is the price you pay for taking so long to figure it out." His voice lilted before he began laughing hysterically. "You'll all be tortured by your fear until you figure out how to kill me. Isn't it sad that Yumichika has to suffer so much for your stupidity?"

Ikkaku was getting seriously pissed. Hozukimaru was itching to kill it with his bankai.. " _Shut your goddamn mouth!"_ he shrieked, not wanting to hear it speak one more motherfucking word about Yumichika. The thing didn't even deserve to  _look_  at Yumichika. How dare he talk about him after doing such a horrible thing? He beat the monster mercilessly, exercising all the methods of pain that he could think of.

"He knows how to end it too," the Arrancar laughed, blows not doing anything but pausing its speech. "But he  _won't_." It just smiled wider when its nose broke, bleeding into its mouth and turning its teeth red, further flowing down its chin. "Not even if he  _dies_  first."

Ikkaku panted, eyes wide and furious, grip slackening.

"Isn't it awful to think that he has secrets  _so terrible_  that he'd rather that this continue on forever than come clean? You think I'm so cruel, but Yumichika has lived with this pain every day of his life. You just can't see the wounds that are inside his head!" Kenpachi's eyes widened.

"Even now when he's felt the price of his secret, he'd still rather pay it than spill it. He'd rather  _die_  than tell you." Yumichika shook his head frantically from the corner, blubbering and covering his ears. Kenpachi went and stood in front of him to make him feel more protected.

The Arrancar's manic grin shrunk down to a small sad smile. "Isn't it sad? That he has to keep suffering this way?"

"You... You're sick." Ikkaku shook his head. Yumichika wept weakly from the corner, wriggling in the secure hold of the sheet. Every tear that fell from those raw, red, glistening eyes was a dewdrop filled with torture and agony and  _defeat._

As if there was some drawn out battle that had finally ended, as if there was no point in going on, as if there was no hope and that the only choice was to surrender and admit that  _the fight was lost_.

Yumichika cried and cried and cried. That noise that Ikkaku hated above all else, Yumichika crying.

The rage that filled him was  _blinding,_ it filled every corner of his body, down into his fingernails and the tip of his nose. Everything was red, everything was on fire, and he had never felt such hate before. He wanted the Arrancar to  _hurt_ , he wanted him to  _suffer_  for hurting someone he loved so dearly. He wanted him to feel every single second of pain and misery that Yumichika had felt, and Ikkaku wanted to be the one to cause it.

He jolted, looking down at his blood-soaked hands, realizing what he was doing. He looked up in shock at Kenpachi, who had loosened his grip on the Arrancar's hair in shock of his own.

The Arrancar's chest was red and bleeding, and there was a large amount of skin that had been peeled and scraped off by the sharp edge of Ikkaku's zanpakutou. Cuts and scrapes covered the beast's body, large bleeding fissures all over its arms and chest.

Ikkaku's stomach twisted. He was a violent person with a big temper by nature, but he wasn't a sadist.

Yumichika was sobbing in the corner, shaking his head frantically, kicking his legs in the confines of the white sheet wrapping him up. He cried on and on, tears carving glistening paths into his raw cheeks.

Ikkaku swelled again with uncontrollable ire and pent up rage, continuing the Arrancar's torture. There was going to be hell to pay, because in all the centuries he'd known Yumichika, he'd  _never_ cried like this. But the more skin he carved away, the more bones he broke, the more pain he inflicted, the more the Arrancar  _laughed_.

"Aaaaaa- Ha-ha! You  _still_  don't get it-" The Arrancar began beating the wall with its broken fist as if Ikkaku were the punchline to some cosmic joke; he was laughing so hard that his laughter had become nearly silent, punctured eyes bulging. "You still are trying to kill this body! _Aaahhhh-hahahaha!_ "

Kenpachi looked disturbed, retreating further into the corner, blocking the increasingly distressed Yumichika, who by now was wailing nearly at the top of his lungs, crying in fear and hysteria. His hands were bloody and shaking, clutching at his ears, trying to block the laughter out.

"Shut your stupid mouth!" Ikkaku, in his fit of rage, cut the Arrancar's still laughing head clean from its shoulders, flinging a spray of dark blood across the wall with a sickening  _splat._

Kenpachi yanked Ikkaku's hands back, pulling him behind him as well, as he kicked the body into the corner. It was followed ominously by the head, which rolled after on its own, still giggling softly to itself. "It seems I'll have to spell it out for you. See you very soon."

"Hado 31, Shakahou!" A poorly aimed and poorly focused fire-ball shot from Kenpachi's palms, and the body began to burn, flesh peeling away and rising up in smoke, thick black smoke which seeped right through the walls with a high shriek that sounded like a boiling kettle.

Ikkaku stared at his hands for a few moments before wiping them over and over on his pant legs, trying to clean himself of some of the unusually sticky dark blood. It was like tar, and it burned his hands.

Zaraki turned towards the wall and rested his head against it, hands over his eyes, letting out a slow breath. His muscles were tight, and his whole form was shuddering. "Kuso...  _Fuck_ , that's scary."

Ikkaku crawled for a short distance, calming his racing heart, before rising and approaching the ever-weeping Ayasegawa. "Here Yumi', m' here," he gasped. "I'm here, you're safe now. I've gotcha'."

Yumichika wriggled, thrusting his freed arms out above him, reaching for Ikkaku, sniffling pitifully. Ikkaku gently lifted the frail bleeding bundle, allowing the thin blood-speckled arms to latch onto his body. "I've gotcha', I've got ya', Yumi,"

He sat down on the clean end of the bed and pulled his knees up, holding Yumichika tight and secure. "You're safe now... I'm gonna' take care a' ya' now, okay?" He started rocking the distraught Yumichika, who began shaking with renewed sobbing, saying Ikkaku's name on a continuous repeat, getting stuck every time he said something.

"It's not fair, it's not fair," he blubbered pitifully, sniffling. "It's not fair, no, no, no, Ikkaku." He began begging for protection.

"Shhh," Ikkaku rocked him a little. "I've got ya'... It's okay... Everything's okay, now... Ya' don't gotta' be scared."

Yumichika cried and cried and  _cried,_ hiccuping and helpless. He clung to Ikkaku with a brittle grip in a desperate plea for safety, not wanting any of his skin to be open to the air. Ikkaku wrapped him tight in the sheet like a baby. "I'm not leavin' ya' alone, okay, Yumichika? I'm gonna' take care of us... I promise I'll take care of us."

Ikkaku stroked his hair, patting his back solidly with the other hand, hoping the healers would be back from battle soon. Yumichika needed medical attention; he was probably in a lot of pain, and he probably needed a little sedative too. "Shhh, I got ya'."

Yumichika turned his wet face into Ikkaku's neck, and Ikkaku rested his head on top of Yumichika's, tightening his hold. Yumichika was shaking all over, but he shook a little less if Ikkaku held him tight and close. "I won't let anyone hurt ya', yer' safe."

Yumichika gasped for breath between sobs, beginning to cry himself out. He started choking on his tears between breaths, as if he was trying to pull himself together. Ikkaku helped him drink a little bit of water that Kenpachi handed him, and Yumichika coughed, breath too shuddery to take a normal swallow.

He clenched his eyes shut, wet face screwed up in pain and anguish, still giving those shuddery involuntary breaths that came after a crying fit. "Shhh, shush shush, I won't let anything happen. We won't leave ya' alone. I'm gonna' watch over ya'." Yumichika nodded desperately, crying quietly to himself.

Zaraki finally lifted his head from the wall, lost in his own grief, approaching the bedside. "We're gonna' watch ya', Yumi-chu." He patted Yumichika's soggy head, before letting his fingers gently slip off, watching his distraught subordinate carefully and with a reserved sadness in his eyes. "Ikkaku, something's off-  _Hh!"_

He then turned towards the open doorway, gasping audibly, stiffening up. Then, Ikkaku witnessed something he never would have bet on in a million years.

Kuchiki Byakuya stood in the doorway, stoic as ever, only slightly widening his eyes as he saw the carnage of what had taken place in their room. "I have-  _Oof!"_

Kenpachi grabbed him and squeezed him tightly, knocking the wind out of him. His spiked head dropped down onto the shocked noble's shoulder as he hugged him viciously, lifting him up and spinning him around. Luckily Byakuya was too stunned and bewildered to grow hostile, and didn't cut off Kenpachi's head for daring to break his precious personal space bubble that nobles were so protective of.

Ikkaku suddenly realized that Yachiru couldn't have been dead, because Byakuya had agreed to play with her today. His captain must've forgotten because of the extreme realism of the fear monger.

" _God-"_ Kenpachi gasped tightly.

Then Zaraki seized the little girl off of Byakuya's back and hugged her so tightly that she began tugging on his hair, inquiring what was the matter. Kenpachi ignored her and rubbed her pink hair and her back and held her little body close to his face.

"Thank you... Thank you... " He dropped to his knees in front of Kuchiki, who stumbled back in surprise. Zaraki gripped the hem of Byakuya's pant leg. "So much... for bringing her..."

Ikkaku swore he saw tears.


	10. Chapter 10

After the second episode of assault, Yumichika hadn't spoken.

Ikkaku and Kenpachi watched over him around the clock, as they had promised. Ikkaku brought long-since-neglected paperwork inside the hospital with him, so he'd have extra excuses to stay with Yumichika and keep an eye on him. Kenpachi came in when he had free time, and also unofficially/secretly when he didn't, and a lot more when he openly admitted to shirking his duties. He usually stood by the entrance menacingly like a bouncer at a club or rowdy bar.

Neither of them slept. The hours passed quickly, even with endless games of eye spy, twenty questions, and filling out repetitive battle reports. Kenpachi often came in with a squirming Yachiru clutched under his arm, and napped, ignoring the beating of her little fists and her demands that she be let go to play. Zaraki would no longer leave her alone, and kept an iron grip on his devious little sidekick/escape artist.

Ikkaku would talk out loud to pass the time, often looking at Yumichika's now-clear violet eyes. Yumichika had fully regained his sight, and since then, his eyes had not flickered off of Ikkaku once.

Even when Ikkaku would spoon-feed Yumichika water and other liquid food, even when he clumsily read Yumichika's favorite story-books, even when he helped change bloody bandages and clothes, Yumichika's eyes never wavered, hardly even blinking.

Yumichika seemed numb now, like a breathing corpse; he was completely passive, almost like Nemu in a way. He hardly moved anymore if it wasn't necessary. He wouldn't shift his body for hours, and when he would try, he required assistance. The only time he really seemed alive again, was when it seemed like Ikkaku was leaving.

Ikkaku quickly learned to leave the bathroom door open a bit when he washed his face and when he changed his clothes, otherwise Yumichika would turn grey and start to try to get up and follow him.

Ikkaku would converse with Yumichika, but Ayasegawa would not speak or even nod at him in response to questions. Ikkaku would give a little jump each time he looked up, as Yumichika's eyes were looking directly at him,  _always_.

It came to the point that Ikkaku no longer wanted to look up at Yumichika anymore; he didn't want to look up and see that gaze. He didn't want to imagine that it was distrust he saw in the eyes of the person he loved the best.

That was the last thing he wanted to see.

On the third day, Unohana softly knocked on the door and asked Ikkaku to step outside. Yumichika made the first noise he had in days, a little moan mixed in with a whimper as he jerked under the sheets, sitting up slightly.

"I'll be right outside the door, Yumichika... Taichou's coming back any minute, don't worry. Lie down, Yumi."

Yumichika did not lie back down. He sat up fully and made to get out of his bed, ashen faced.

"No, Yumi, no. Lie back down." Ikkaku helped him back into the bed and fluffed his pillows. "Here, I'll even leave the door open."

This seemed to pacify Yumichika, who was twisting the sheets between his hands in anxiety.

Unohana closed the door halfway and explained to him, in great detail, the task he would undertake, in a lowered voice, of course. Ikkaku was, by the end of her lesson, blushing furiously, but he knew that there were no lengths that he wouldn't go to to help Yumichika in his time of need.

' _Do I really have to... to do that to Yumichika?'_

"We would continue to do it ourselves, but he has already been on too much medication, and he simply won't relax enough for any of us to undertake the task. We had hope that things would be different for you, Madarame-san-seki."

"Ahh... I'll try my best, Unohana-Taichou."

"This is a very important task... Without it, he will become infected horribly."

"I understand... I'll do it," Ikkaku said reluctantly, hoping that Yumichika wouldn't start to cry or panic. He had a sinking feeling that Yumichika wasn't quite sure if he was the fear apparition or the real him.

"Don't sound like that." She smiled. "He has been on a liquid diet, there will be no unpleasant surprises, other than a small chance of infection."

"Ah... That's not what I was worried about, but thank you for the reassurance."

"Very good." She seemed pleased with his civility, which few of the Eleventh division ever showed in her domain. "Good luck to you."

"Oh, Unohana-Taichou, please tell Zaraki-Taichou to please go back to the barracks, if you see him... It might set Yumichika off to have anyone else around him."

"Of course, I will explain the situation." She smiled sweetly and drifted away.

Ikkaku stood there with the box in his hands for a few moments, taking a deep breath, before walking back into the room.

"Aaa... Yumi..." he began awkwardly, walking towards the bed. "You know what we have to do, right?"

Yumichika stared back at him blankly. Ikkaku sighed, putting a hand over his eyes. This was gonna be great.

"I gotta' clean yer'... yer' stitches," he finished quietly. Yumichika looked at him, blinking, eyes flicking down for a split second, eyelashes fluttering.

Ikkaku set the box down on the table next to the bed, before slowly peeling back Yumichika's blankets. "Can you hold your legs up, Yumi?" Yumichika looked at him for a moment, before trying, very slowly, to bend his body, which was very very stiff after days in bed, wracked with pain.

That was rather reassuring to Ikkaku: the fact that Yumichika registered what he was saying and wasn't off in some other world. It was really hard to see Yumichika like this, knowing what a strong and unbreakable person he was.

Yumichika paused, pain overtaking him, before he tried some more to pull his knees in and half sit up. "I thought not... Ahh... Here, I'll put pillows under ya'." Ikkaku grabbed Yumichika's ankle and knee, and straightened his leg, testing his flexibility. Yumichika froze up, scrabbling at Ikkaku's hand, breathing heavily, whining in pain. "Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry, gomen, gomen," Ikkaku panicked, letting go. "Here."

He slid a pillow underneath Yumichika's lower back and helped him sit. He made two pillow piles for Yumichika's legs to rest on and laid him back down on top of them. "There... I'm still gonna have to push your legs up a little, okay?" Yumichika looked at him, tilting his head a little. "Ahh... I'll just start then..."

He slowly removed Yumichika's lower clothing, all the time waiting for tears or terror to overtake his friend, but none came. Yumichika just watched him, body tense. He opened the little first aid kit Unohana had provided him with and set the bundle of cue-tips and towels on the bed.

Ikkaku looked down at his hands, wondering how he could bring himself to do this. "This is okay, right?" he asked, mostly to himself, but Yumichika made a breathy little noise, squirming, trying to push the sheets down over his legs.

He whimpered a little, trying to sit up so he could cover himself, face looking wretched and pinched, that look he had always gotten when he ran out of hair product and 'looked a mess'.

Ikkaku took Yumichika's hand, knowing he was about to say something really sappy. He hoped it at least would help Yumichika's fragile mental state. "You look really beautiful today," he said quietly, looking him in the eye. Yumichika's mouth opened a little, and he blinked, looking at him for a few moments, before he visibly relaxed, sinking down, no longer trying to hide his battered legs.

Ikkaku braced himself and then took Yumichika's legs in hand, opening them up. He arranged the sheets over everything but the area he needed to clean. Yumichika seemed to sink into the bed in relief.

Ikkaku noticed Yumichika's heavy irregular breathing, and patted his stomach in comfort. "It's okay, Yumi... Promise..." He got up, locked the door, and got a cup of water from the bathroom, just in case there was any bleeding.

He hooked one hand under Yumichika's knee and slowly pushed back his leg, adjusting the pillows to hold it there. His hand lingered on Yumichika's soft thigh, looking at the severe bruising, and worse, the real damage, spiked stitches visible even from the outside. "Oh... Yumi..." He leaned down, really taking a look. "That looks so painful..."

He wet a washcloth and dabbed the dried blood off of Yumichika as gently as his rough hands could.

He was not a perverted man. He wasn't. He wasn't embarrassed of the fact that he had never had sex or kissed before, but he didn't tell people anyway, cause it wasn't their business, damnit. Ikkaku Madarame was no pervert, and he never had been. Even with the object of his desire's legs spread in front of his face, he didn't even have to make an effort to control his libido, because he wasn't that kind of person.

This whole scenario was one of the reasons he didn't have sex: he couldn't  _stand_  the idea of rape, not after what had happened to his own family. He held it as the greatest crime, the worst thing anyone could do. The thought of someone hurting Yumichika so cruelly and brutally killed any sort of lust that might have developed.

His throat tightened. "Ya' had ta' get yer' stitches again, didn't ya'?" he rasped, blinking away sudden impending moisture. "I'm so sorry, I didn't protect ya' like I promised..."

His fingers tightened on Yumichika's legs. "But I won't make that mistake again. I swear on my bankai... I swear on everything! I won't let it happen again!"

He bravely picked up the little hospital bottle of solution and rubbed it over his bare hands. He didn't bother with gloves. He slicked up a cue-tip, and he slicked up Yumichika's thighs and bottom, pulling the sheet down over everything he didn't need to see.

"Ready?" He brushed the cotton over Yumichika's leg so the bed-ridden shinigami could track its progress before it gently poked inside his opening. Ikkaku kept it still for a few moments, knowing that it wouldn't normally hurt, but Yumichika was probably insanely sore. "Is it okay?"

Yumichika just looked at him. He hadn't tensed suddenly like he was in pain, and he hadn't made a noise or given him a horrified scared look.

Ikkaku shrugged with caution and began the task of cleaning the stitches and applying new gauze to the cauterized flesh. It was slow work, but it wasn't nearly as disgusting as Unohana had thought it would be for him. She had been right, there was only dried blood, and a bit of clear and yellow fluid that came from around the stitches.

He felt that he was doing well. He quickly realized that Yumichika relaxed much more easily if he rubbed his leg with his other hand as he inserted the sterilized cleaning utensils. He paused whenever Yumichika tensed up, and waited, cleaning slowly.

Using a finger to hold his now slack muscles open, Ikkaku drew the blood-stained gauze out with metal forceps. It kept coming, and coming, and coming, longer than his hand, longer than his forearm; His stomach twisted, as finally the long strip came free.

 _'The damage went that far up? How did that even happen?... No one has a tool that big...'_ Ikkaku's brow crinkled in anger as he remembered what Hanatarou had said about barbed wire.  _'My God... Yumichika... He really tortured you.'_

Ikkaku's fingers came away with fresh blood on them. He gasped, snatching his hand back. "You're bleeding! I hurt you!" Ikkaku said in shock.

Yumichika shook his head, looking at Ikkaku. Blood began to dribble down Yumichika's backside and into the sheets. He tried to sit up as Ikkaku began to pace around the room wildly, staring at his wet hands.

"No..." Yumichika croaked. Ikkaku's head snapped up to look him dead in the eyes.

"I did, I did, I  _hurt_  you!" Ikkaku's head dropped, and he glued his eyes to the floor. "Why... didn't you say something..."

"I'll be..." Yumichika lay back down. "Keep going... Ikkaku."

Sick to his stomach, Ikkaku obeyed, cleaning Yumichika once more. Somewhere in the back of his mind, it registered that Unohana had assigned him this task because Yumichika couldn't bear to sit still for professionals to do this to him, but for  _him_ , Yumichika could. How could he still have such immense trust in him, even after his clone had done this to him?

Ikkaku's squirmed. "Yumichika, I..." He cut off, not knowing what he had wanted to say.

"Thank you... for staying... You've been so kind to me." Yumichika blinked, eyes finally floating away towards the ceiling. "Thank you for being my friend still... Ikkaku."

Ikkaku's heart shattered. Yumichika had thought that he would abandon him because of what happened? He thought he would think him weak and stained and be too disgusted to be around him anymore? The poor thing had thought he would blame him and not want to be his friend anymore?

How could that thought even pass his mind when he was in so much pain? How could he still - even though he had nearly died and had baffled the best medics in the business - not think of himself, but of Ikkaku?

"Ikkaku?" came the timid voice from the bed as Ikkaku rinsed his mouth at the sink.

"Yes?" He washed his hands, peeking out to check on him.

"Would you come lay next to me?" The hesitant question reached him, but he felt as though he must've heard wrong. That couldn't be, though. Yumichika must have finally decided that he was real.

"Hai..."

Ikkaku covered them with the blankets. Neither of them had slept for days. Exhaustion was creeping over both of the men.

"You're safe..." Although it was a silly thing to tell him, and Ikkaku felt silly saying it, Yumichika relaxed considerably, allowing Ikkaku to put a hesitant arm around him.

"I'm here... Sleep, Yumi."


	11. Chapter 11

Yumichika had begun to talk then, not very much, but it was a start.

Madarame Ikkaku's hope was returning. For a while there he'd feared that Yumichika would never return to normal, and that his best friend was gone.

He had waited on Yumichika hand and foot, brought him anything and everything he requested, and helped him all day, from carrying him and supporting him in the bathroom, to spoon-feeding him small amounts of water.

He had done anything he could to help make Yumichika feel safe and comfortable. In fact, Ikkaku had calmed Yumichika down enough for him to sleep peacefully through the night.

To celebrate Yumichika's accomplishment of his first nightmare-free night, he had pulled out all the stops.

When Ayasegawa had woken up, groggily and with much eye-crust, he was layered with multi-colored blankets and with many of his favorite items from home, even some weeds from a ditch that Ikkaku had mistaken for flowers and put in a plastic cup.

Yumichika had sleepily said, "Ikkaku... So sweet... You're so sweet," before drifting back off peacefully. Ikkaku's heart swelled, and he quickly kissed the top of his head before he could chicken out and stop himself. Yumichika gave a sleepy moan, tilting his chin up, eyes flickering open for a moment.

Ikkaku recoiled, falling backwards in alarm. Yumichika wiggled in his sleep, and Ikkaku fled to the bathroom. He peered around the door, before giggling nervously. When Yumichika's breath evened out, he backed up into the bathroom, exhaling, jittering nervously. He shook himself roughly.

He then turned to the mirror, flexing his muscles just to reaffirm his masculinity, because he did not just giggle. Ikkaku Madarame was no pansy, and there was no way he had freaked out enough that had just hid like a coward.

He tightened his fists and pumped his arms, scowling harshly.

He ignored Hozukimaru who yelled blatantly in his ear, ' _You're not fooling anyone, you're just doin' that cause' yer' hands are shakin'!'_

Ikkaku gave a nasty glare, flexing his bicep, wondering how on earth he could be mushy on Yumichika and sound tough at the same time, because damnit, a big part of him wanted to be mushy all over Yumichika even after he was fixed up!

But how could he? His whole goal in life was to be tough, to be strong and fight, and on the way, hoping and hoping for Yumichika to notice what he was feeling without having to say it aloud. That was the squad Eleven way after all, to never speak the truth out loud if you can avoid it. Wouldn't it be counter-productive to showing Yumichika his strength if he went all soft on him? How could he do both?

He wanted to put flowers in Yumichika's hair and tell him how pretty he was. He wanted to feed him chocolates and kiss his cheeks in front of their friends and take care of him when he was sick. He wanted to be soft, and that was something he had never wanted before.

It finally clicked, that thing about Yumichika that kept Ikkaku there with him. There had been no one, nobody important to Ikkaku but Kenpachi. Why was Yumichika so crucial to his life? He was a given, as important as having food or air, but why?

' _Because... Because I-'_

He wanted Yumichika to need him and want him and go through life with him. He wanted to stay best friends forever, even if that was only something that little kids wanted. He didn't want to be the one always ahead, believing that Yumichika would follow him no matter what. Someday Yumichika would tire, and then Ikkaku would look back and find him gone. He cared.

It did seem to fit.

That burning rage that he had never before questioned. That blind fury he felt every time he saw Yumichika eyeing Hisagi, who would look away nervously. What was that feeling? Jealousy.

That need to protect his friend that he couldn't explain. Whenever Yumichika got catcalled, or flirted with, or felt up, he just exploded and started all sorts of shit. Bar-fights. Gambling-fights. To-the-death-fights. Why did he feel the need to do that? Jealousy.

Why he couldn't control himself when he had heard that their seventh-seat had supposedly bed Yumichika. He hung the dumb-bragging-shit from the parapet of the Eleventh Division barracks by his crotch. Why had he done it? Because he was jealous.

It all made such horrible sense, and he couldn't deny it any longer.

_'Like I knew all along but was just ignorin' it or somethin'. Damnit... I'm... This feeling... is...'_

He couldn't even describe it to himself. ' _Heh... I never got why people would kill for love... Stupid shit... but I get it now...'_  He had done it himself with that Arrancar; even if he hadn't actually killed it, that had been his intent.

He peered around the doorway at the prone figure of the sleeping Yumichika. When he looked back at the mirror he slapped that stupid sappy grin right off his face.

_'Teme, What's wrong with ya'! Ya' know that there's no way fer' ya' ta' get 'im, so back off!'_

Damnit, now he was being a jealous overprotective asshole to even himself.

_'Yer' so far gone, ya' poor sap. What're ya' gonna do? There's no way for you to get him... ever.'_

How, how, how could he ever get someone so out of his reach? Sure, he could just be direct and ask, but would that work? No.

 _'Way too simple.'_  He growled.

They'd known each other for hundreds of years. Things couldn't change between them just like that! No way could that happen... Besides, if things went wrong, their friendship would be over.

He put his head in his hands.

He had always suspected that they had become friends because he had been the one person who hadn't tried to sleep with Yumichika, who hadn't become aroused by him, or constantly complimented him on his beauty. They'd met outside a brothel for God's sake, the brothel that Yumichika worked at.

Yumichika was used to people being seduced by his wiles, but Ikkaku had only been interested in beating the shit out of a group of men who had tried to skip out on paying up on a bet. How could he now tell Yumichika that it was all for naught, that he had wanted him all along? Yeah right, like he'd ever do that. Dumb idea, really.

_'Heh, you're not brave enough, asshole.'_

_'Bout time you showed up, ya' lazy idiot.'_

_'You're ignorin' me. You're a coward, aren'tcha, ya' asshole.'_

_'Can you blame me... Why would he want me? He can have anyone he wants, he's not gonna pick Ikkaku fuckin' Madarame, ya' stupid asshole."_  He realized he had started speaking out loud, gripping the sink so hard that the porcelain had cracked.

"Damnit." His fingers were bleeding a little. He sighed and turned on the sink, washing his cuts before applying a bandage.

' _Heh... Ya' know, I'm glad you broke through your denial and everything, that you secretly want 'im and stuff, but what the fuck, Madarame'?'_

_'What the fuck, yourself. I just love 'im, is that so wrong?'_

_'What's so wrong is that you're feelin' this way right now. This is so fucking screwed up, to have feelings for him when he needs security. He doesn't need anyone else preying on him after what just happened.'_

Ikkaku scowled in guilt.

_'I mean, I admit it, I think Fuji Kujaku is cute and everything, and I like him even though he's annoying as fuck and doesn't let me sleep. Hell, I even let out my bankai just to impress him. He makes me feel stupid and clumsy... cuz' I like 'im. I completely admit it... but why the fuck did you have to come out with this now?! Great timin', ya' shit-head!'_

_'What the fuck!? I don't wanna sleep with him. I'm not gonna hurt 'im... I wanna take care of him. You know that I'm not some pervert. I'm an asshole, sure, but I am no pervert. Shit-head yer'self!'_

' _Well yeah, but... I'm just sayin' is all. After this, how on earth do you expect this to work?... Yer' right. He's too pretty and too sweet for a big lug like you, just like Kujaku's too classy for me. Even if things were different, if this hadn't happened to 'im, how on earth do you expect this to work? We're just no good, and ya' know it. 'Specially not to a soul like that.'_

"I know... I know."

* * *

_'Madarame Ikkaku, you are one, sick, sick bastard.'_

Ikkaku sat at Yumichika's bedside, head in his hands.  _'Love sick, ya' dumb idiot,'_  he berated himself.

He pounded his fists into his forehead.  _'Ya big dummy... What's wrong with ya', ya' sicko.'_

He turned his face towards Yumichika, his beautiful, beautiful best friend. The friend he wanted to be his sweetheart. ' _It's gonna end in tears... There's no way... He'd never... I mean... He'd never-'_

He slipped his hand into Yumichika's limp hand, and his heart twisted, feeling completely bittersweet.  _'Why am I doin' this to myself? I mean... I can't even try...'_

He grimaced.

 _'Ahhh fuck... Fuck, fuck, fuck.'_  He turned his face away, closing his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. He had never felt this before; his heart was aching, a place that he hadn't even known was empty was opening wider and wider, making so much space that he thought he'd burst. There was just this  _boundless_  need.

Just like everyone else who possesses something precious, as soon as they obtain it, they begin to worry about what could take it away. He wondered how on earth he could go on living if Yumichika died, if he allowed him to die, if he failed to protect him. He couldn't go on living the same way.

For the first time, he wondered about how Yumichika would feel if they had changed places in the hospital bed. Losing someone important. Losing a friend even. He understood finally, the wretchedness of being helpless to stop death or worse.

_'And he put up with me... For centuries... While I was followin' Kenpachi, seekin' death, he was followin' me... bein' supportive even though he didn't agree... Damnit, Madarame. You're a real jerk sometimes.'_

He gripped Yumichika's hand, bringing it up against his bowed forehead. ' _You're too good to me... I don't even deserve yer' company... Feh... I don't even deserve for your eyes to look upon me. What am I to you... Mud on white marble. I'm no good.'_

He was ugly, he was insensitive, he was crass. Nothing that Yumichika deserved.

Selfish and jealous, that's what he was. He was selfish for being near Yumichika anyway, even though he abused him so. He would try, he would try very hard to change his attitude from this moment on, and make Yumichika feel important and cherished, even if it was just as his friend. He'd ask his opinion about little things, he'd call him beautiful everyday, he'd even pull back in fights he might not win.

Because Yumichika was the person he loved.

The person he loved, who he had sworn at, who he had dragged to bar after bar filled with nasty men who made passes at him, who he had force-fed shots to, who he had made cry, who he had put in dangerous situations countless times. The person he loved, who he had forced to watch him nearly die countless times.

Yumichika hadn't been joking about making funeral arrangements. How awful would that be... knowing that you could've done something.

_'Heh, far too good. You're far too good.'_

He was far too good for someone as selfish as Ikkaku, but Ikkaku was too jealous to allow Yumichika to be given to anyone else.

He growled deep in his throat, ' _Fuck, fuck, fuck.'_

What was he gonna do? What on earth was he gonna do? What could he do, when all he wanted to do was hold hands with him no matter how much he got teased, buy him everything he could possibly want, and spoil the ever-loving shit out of him?

What could he do when there was no way that that could ever possibly happen? He wasn't really very lucky at all, besides the fact of ever meeting Yumichika in the first place. There was no way... There was no way...

_'Madarame Ikkaku, you sick bastard.'_


	12. Chapter 12

He was one love-sick sap, and he realized it now more than ever.

' _There's no helpin' it, I suppose.'_  He heard Hozukimaru grumble something like 'ain't that the truth'.

He felt great. He didn't feel like he had to be this tough and callous guy, he didn't have to keep up images in front of other people. He could be soft, and Yumichika wouldn't tease him, especially now that Yumichika needed help with such basic things.

This was his chance to spoil him rotten, and god was he enjoying it.

Ikkaku smiled, held up Yumichika's pinkie, and admired his handiwork. If he couldn't have Yumichika to himself, the least he could do was treat him really nice and appreciate him. Seriously, this guy had washed his dirty clothes and cooked him whatever he wanted for decades. Yumichika spoiled him; The least Ikkaku could do was to take care of him while he was confined to his bed.

Besides that, now he had an excuse to be sweet on him and to touch him in an innocent context.

"... You're pretty good, Ikkaku. They look beautiful."

He grinned widely. "Heh', I told'ja I could do it." He splayed Yumichika's fingers out in his calloused hand. ' _Geez, his hands are so soft... Be gentle, you dummy..._ ' He tried not to stroke them too much, or Yumichika might notice.

Yumichika just smiled a little, eyes drifting towards the wall. Ikkaku attacked the remaining fingers with Yumichika's nail file, enjoying holding his hand, even if it wasn't in the 'sweetheart' way. His heart felt like it weighed a thousand pounds, heavy and full with contentment and bliss. Yumichika sighed. Ikkaku looked up.

"Are ya' bored?"

Yumichika tilted his head. "Hm, a little. I'm having fun with you here, but I wish I could walk a little bit."

"In a little while, Yumi, okay? We'll try in a little while. Ya' know your legs can't take it yet. Just be patient, and don't push yourself alright? No stress allowed."

"I know." Yumichika looked disappointed. "I was just wishing."

"I know... Hey, Yumi?"

"Yes?"

"I missed ya'..."

Yumichika's purple eyes looked at him, seeming rather empty all of a sudden. "What do you mean?"

"..." Ikkaku blinked. Had he just said that out loud? "Uhh... spending time with-... I dunno'. Never mind," he said shortly, cursing himself inwardly. "We just... Haven't spent that much time together lately."

_'You friggin' idiot. Don't say somethin' like that. You're spendin' time with him now cuz' he got raped.'_

_'Shut up! You know that's not what I meant!'_

"I just wish ya' c'd come home a'ready, I mean," he mumbled hurriedly, cheeks heated and pink.

Yumichika blinked, turning back to the wall. "I don't."

Ikkaku winced, bowing his head down. "Ah..."

_'Yer' fuckin' blowin' it!'_

_'Shut up, I said!'_

* * *

Yumichika stared at the door, not knowing why he kept doing so. Something was drawing his eyes towards the doorway, almost forcing him to turn his neck in that direction.

_'I don't... I don't want to go home.'_

He closed his eyes and tucked down his chin for a moment.  _'Not just because I like Ikkaku here spending time with me, but because...'_

He looked up.

_'I'm not safe.'_

His throat began closing up, and the walls were growing smaller and smaller, and he couldn't breathe, he couldn't breathe in here, he had to get out of here!

_'If I want to die with my secrets... I won't be safe until I'm dead. My fear won't die until I do.'_

The next thing he knew, Ikkaku was scrambling over him, shaking him gently by the shoulders, voice a concerned wail, "Yumichika, breathe! Come on, what's wrong?!"

Yumichika choked, raising an arm unsteadily, trying to push Ikkaku back out of his personal space, needing a moment to pull himself together.  _'Stop- Don't... don't touch,'_  he thought desperately, choking a little.

He gripped Ikkaku's shoulder and tried to push him away, sitting up. His chest was crushing him in a vise, and he couldn't breathe at all.

"I'm not gonna make ya' go home, please calm down! We're stayin' here till' yer better... 'er longer if ya' want! I wasn't tryin' ta' upset ya'." Hands ran through his hair, warm and reassuring, but they didn't comfort him, he needed  _air_.

 _'No, no, stop touching me- Stop... Stop it! Let me go, please!'_  Yumichika began taking gasps, shoving Ikkaku away with all his strength and flopping back into the bed. "No-"

"It's okay,"

"No-"

He began to shake. Green eyes,  _no, no, no! It was him, he had come to get him!_

"No, what?"

"Go...  _Go away from me!"_

* * *

Ikkaku crumpled inside, recoiling as if he had been slapped. He blinked, hurt, before retreating to the corner.

Yumichika shook so badly, so badly that the sheets were trembling. He held his arms over his head in a sort of cage, as if they would protect him, still telling Ikkaku to leave him alone, begging him to stop touching him.

Ikkaku knew what was going on as suddenly as if he had been shocked.

"Oh no... Don't be afraid of me, please... Please don't shake..." He approached, and Yumichika slowly lowered his arms.

"Ikkaku..."

"Please don't shake, sweets, don't be scared... It's just me, I promise."

"Ikkaku." Yumichika blinked at him, looking wary and almost concerned.

"Please, don't be afraid of me," he said in a weak voice, suddenly realizing that he was shaking too. "Please, I won't hurt you, I won't  _ever_  hurt you."

_'You can't... You can't be afraid of me... Who will I fight for... if not you?... I can't be your protector if you're afraid of me... I'm not... I'm not the bad guy...'_

Hozukimaru's voice was faint, telling him to get a grip, but he couldn't focus or concentrate. Nothing else was important, nothing else mattered. Everything had fallen from under his feet in a matter of seconds. Perhaps that's what everyone said was so terrible about having a heart.

Ikkaku gritted his teeth.  _'Please... anything but that, Yumichika... Be angry... tell me to leave... but don't shake like that... I can't bear it!'_

* * *

Yumichika was trembling all over. He didn't know what had come over him. "Ikkaku... I'm... You looked so... You looked just like-"

"No!" Ikkaku looked horrified and jolted, holding out his hand as if to hush Yumichika. "No, don't say that! Please!" He couldn't hear Yumichika say it out loud, because that would somehow make it more real.

"You looked..." Yumichika began to tear up and promptly turned green. "I'm... I'm gonna'-"

Yumichika had always thought Ikkaku's hands were strong and powerful, the hands that had cracked the necks of countless grimy and dirty enemies. They were shaking. His strong hands, holding his, were shaking.

_'They're beautiful. Maybe the beast was me, and Ikkaku was the beautiful one all along.'_

* * *

After a few minutes of silence, to calm themselves down after Yumichika had finished wretching up bile, since there was nothing left inside him, Ikkaku nudged him a little.

"Ya' know we have to talk about what happened eventually, right?" Ikkaku began hesitantly. "I mean... we don't  _have_  to, but it might help your bad dreams, to talk about it... I mean... I know it must be horrible to think about, but... if you wanna' talk about it, I'll listen... It might help, maybe."

"Maybe," Yumichika repeated, but didn't say anything else. He stared at the far wall. It took Ikkaku a moment to realize he was watching the door, as if something was coming to get him.

"It was supposed to show your worst fears." Ikkaku's skin prickled. "You... you aren't really afraid that I'd do that to you, right?"

"Right," Yumichika said, and Ikkaku believed him. He had to believe that Yumichika wasn't scared that he, his best friend, would hurt him like that. The alternative was too horrible to fathom.

"But... What... What secrets did he mean?" Ikkaku asked gently but firmly. He needed to know. He  _had_  to know. What was Yumichika keeping in? What was torturing him so horribly that his fear would manifest itself this way? If his physical pain had been so horrible, his mental pain must've been equal.

Yumichika turned his head to look at him. Ikkaku dropped Yumichika's arm.

"Yumichika," he said firmly. "What secrets?"

"I don't keep secrets from you, Ikkaku. You're my best friend." Yumichika's voice sounded odd, and Ikkaku knew he was lying.

Ikkaku changed the subject, trying to believe that too, even though he knew it was a lie. It was best not to push Yumichika while he was like this. He tried to make small talk with him to put him at ease again. "Did I tell you? Division 12 says there's gonna be a big hollow attack soon."

Yumichika's eyes were glued to the door.

"I'm gonna stay here with ya' though, so no worries." He tried to smile, but with an eerie collective consciousness, he turned and looked at the door too. The hairs on his arms stood up, his scalp prickled.

Yumichika was right. Something was coming.

* * *

Kenpachi had long since reported the Arrancar's existence to the other captains, and by reporting he meant 'barged into a captain's meeting an hour late and yelling over Captain Yamamoto with his news'.

Kurotsuchi had been surprisingly interested, as there had been no indication from their machines that there had been a hollow in the area, not since the first attack on the three of them, a week ago.

 _'What's gonna keep him from sneaking in again?'_  Kenpachi thought ominously.  _'He'll get right past us again.'_

* * *

Ikkaku was just wonderful, and Yumichika felt it now more than ever.

He had been sure that Ikkaku would go home after he grew bored, but he hadn't. He had stayed, night and day. No amount of nightmares, vomiting, or panic attacks would drive him away.

He had kept anyone from coming to see Yumichika, as he knew without having to ask that he did not want to be seen in this state. They'd made an exception for Renji, who had been really upset over what had happened to his senpai, and wanted to come read to him for a while.

He had sent Renji, Kira, and Hisagi to their shared rooms with a list of Yumichika's things, to help freshen him up and maybe make him more comfortable. He had even brought some warm soup in a container that he had made himself. It had tasted awful, but Yumichika had eaten all of it, because he loved to have Ikkaku feed him. He had heard long ago from an old woman, when he was a child, that if somebody feeds you, they truly love you. It was the ultimate sign of care.

If there was one good thing he could take from this horrible situation, it was that Ikkaku didn't often take care of him when he was sick, but he was now, so Yumichika wanted to enjoy it while it lasted.

With Ikkaku sitting behind him, scrutinizing the ends of his hair, searching for split ends to snip off, he remembered now why he loved Ikkaku so very much.

He was just perfect.

* * *

Three days later, only a few days before Yumichika was scheduled to be released for home-rehabilitation, everything went wrong.

The hollow attack came and the power went out in the hospital. Yumichika gasped as the room went dark, clutching Ikkaku's wrist.

The lights flickered back on in their room, and Ikkaku cautiously opened the door, peering down the hallway, which was still dark. Everything was eerily silent. Where were all the healers?

He backed up slowly, stopping when his legs hit the end of the bed.

"Naa, What do I have to do, Hikyuu?" the voice boomed over Seireitei.

* * *

Rangiku froze in the street, drawing Haineko. Kira stared at the sky, mouth agape. Hitsugaya burst out of his office, gathering his squad for battle. Renji dragged Byakuya bodily from his desk.

They'd been warned.

* * *

The rallies burst noisily into the streets.

Ikkaku had warned them all of what had happened, and to be on their guard, because Kenpachi had loudly and publicly complained about how Yamamotou was taking no action against the threat. His rationale had been that only one person had actually been injured, and that it couldn't be that big of a deal. Of course, like Division 12 had said, there was no proof of this occurring other than Yumichika's injuries, but even Kurotsuchi believed that Kenpachi was telling the truth.

The voice had echoed all over Soul Society, and those who knew told those who didn't.

The other captains, of course, ignored their head-captain yet again and gathered in the streets with their divisions, because whether or not there really was a crazed Arrancar on the loose, there was a massive hollow attack scheduled.

They crowded together, squad-biases broken.

With a sudden hush, they all looked upwards at the flat-grey clouds. A sudden crack sounded, and lightning racing across the sky, silencing everyone.

"What do I have to do to get through to you?"

* * *

"Yare, Yare... You have a mighty thick skull, don't you?... When did you lower yourself to certain and persistent denial? Did you think that if you ignore your problems, they go away? Hm, You're funny, aren't you?"

Ikkaku stood on the bed in a defensive stance, hovering over Yumichika protectively.

"What are you talking about?!" he shouted at the open door.

"Did you really think that I had gone away? Did you think you were safe?... Did you think that Yumichika would be safe just because you didn't let him out of your sight?"

Ikkaku stood stock still. "No..."

"He doesn't need to be out of your sight for me to take him... Maybe if I kidnap him again it will finally get through your head... but even that might not. Disappointing..."

"No, You stay away from us," Ikkaku growled lowly.

* * *

"Naa, Rukon-Devil... What was your name? Zaraki Kenpachi?... I hope you can hear me, because I haven't forgotten about you, either... I know you almost have it figured out."

Kenpachi growled, legs widening in a battle stance.

"Squad Eleven, Surround the Division 4 Hospital! Someone go in and get those two, and come back right away. After that, no one gets in and no one gets out!"

"You lived for fear yourself... waiting for that adrenaline high... You should know how to kill fear... You've done it for years... Nothing scares the Kenpachi of Zaraki... C'mon... Destroy the hold I have over you... Show me that strength you're so proud of..."

 _Strength_. Zaraki's eyes widened, and suddenly he knew. He raised his sword to the sky.

" _Fuck you!_  I worry about Yachiru dying, because I know how it would feel to lose her! But I know that it'll never happen! THAT'LL NEVER HAPPEN TO YACHIRU BECAUSE  _I'M STRONG ENOUGH TO PROTECT HER!"_

He could hear a whisper in the back of his mind, that whisper that he sometimes heard. He knew it was his sword's soul reaching for him. Finally, he heard a name, and smiled.

Orange lightning fizzled up from the ground and illuminated the storm clouds before a sonic boom shook the earth.

* * *

"Ohhh... Very good... I see that you've figured it out... If only our warrior was smart enough as well... Better find him quick and tell him, or it'll be too late."

The disjointed conversation didn't make much sense to Ikkaku, because he wasn't hearing Kenpachi's responses, but he assumed that all of Seireitei could hear the voice too.

Ikkaku heard a distant noise that was coming closer: the shattering of glass somewhere in the hospital.

"Oh, my dear... I had hoped that that hint of mine had gotten through to you, warrior, but alas... You seem to be the only one to not understand... Even Yumichika understood, and he is the only one of you who would rather  _die_  than come clean... This could've been prevented, but I suppose that I'll have to grant his wish... but how to do it?"

"Stop it..." Yumichika just lay there beneath him, seeming frozen, eyes blank as he listened to the words, breathing slowly.

"Poisoned senbon? Cut throat? No... Something much more slow and painful, so you can suffer for your stupidity."

"STOP IT!" Ikkaku shouted, half in agony, half in fury.

"You're probably shouting at me, but I'm not listening. In fact, I can't even hear you. Like Aizen-sama says, god does not hear an ant. Now, Yumi-chan, my sweetest sweetheart... Let me speak directly to you."

Violet eyes snapped open, focus sharpening.

"You don't have to be the last to end this... Kill your fear... because if you don't, you won't be the one to pay the price."

Menos grande poured onto the street through the space rift.

"Remember those who will have to live without you... Now run, Hikyuu, run. You'd best hurry... There is so little time in this life."

* * *

Ikkaku helped Yumichika dress in a spare shihakushou of his and carried him on his back through the halls, peering around each corner nervously, sword in hand.

"Here's what we're gonna do," he whispered to Yumichika. "We're gonna walk through the lobby and book it to Zaraki-Taichou. Then, we're gonna end this... I need you to tell me what you're hiding. I know it's supposed to be this horrible, deep, dark secret, but at least  _think_  about telling me. I just want you to know that even if the secret makes me mad, nothing could ever _ever_  make me turn my back on you. Okay?  _Nothing._ "

Yumichika nodded uncertainly.

* * *

"Let us through!" Ikkaku shouted, shoving his squad-mates out of the way. "Taichou! What are you doing here?"

"What do you fuckin' think, you shithead? What's wrong with you?!"

"What's your problem?!"

"Why haven't you frickin' done it yet?!" Kenpachi yelled at him incredulously. "You have to let out whatever's botherin' ya', or this can't end!"

"Nothing's bothering me, though."

"GOD-DAMNIT! BREAK THE FUCKING SPELL, MADARAME!"

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!"

"Wait, Where's pretty-boy?"

"He's right- Oh my God!"

"Hel-mph!"

He whipped around to see Yumichika banging on the glass door of the fourth division, guards laying dead on the ground. Yumichika's hands splayed themselves over the glass, and he abruptly looked up towards the ceiling, and backed away from the door.

The hospital exploded.

"Hmm... Too late, my dear. Too late."

"NO!" Ikkaku yelled. "No..." He dropped to his knees. Yumichika was  _gone,_ just like that. It was like a light switch had been flipped, but the weight of it felt like the sun had gone out. There was just...  _nothing. Complete emptiness._

Yumichika was dead.

"Calm down... You're still under the magic... I know I saw Yumichika come out behind you. That  _definitely_ wasn't him. It's an illusion. That thing was standing, and Yumichika hasn't stood since before all this happened, remember?" Kenpachi said.

Ikkaku looked up, wondering why he had never noticed how clever his captain was. Perhaps violence wasn't the only thing he was good at. Maybe it was still possible to revel in mindless violence and battle, but also with  _tactics._  That had been really perceptive; he was impressed.

"Naa? You're not going to come in? Pity... You're smarter than I thought. I'll just have to bring the fight to you."

Menos poured from the sky.

* * *

Yumichika gasped to himself, feeling cold and clammy, sitting there in the dark on the floor. Where was he? It didn't feel like he had moved, but all of a sudden, he couldn't see and had lost his way.

He felt over his face, touching his eyes. They were open, but he couldn't see a thing, not even the movement of his hand in front of his face.

He began to feel along the floor, and felt dusty linoleum, maybe some pieces of crackled plaster and the edge of a wall.

He started crawling, extremely slowly, gingerly using his knees to support his broken body. It hurt, and it left him breathless, but he took one little step every few seconds. He was starting to think that telling Ikkaku wouldn't be the end of the world. Maybe he'd still be friends with him, even if he was sent to another squad.

He could tell Ikkaku, and then this nightmare would end.


	13. Chapter 13

After feeling around in the dark for a few more minutes, trying to figure out where he was, Yumichika slowly began to build confidence.

Ikkaku trusted him. Ikkaku was his best friend and had stuck with him through crummy boyfriends and stomach flu and through death-battles. Ikkaku might be angry with him at first, for a few months at most. Ikkaku might hold a grudge, but it was extremely unlikely that he'd want him out of his life.

Yumichika knew that it was a horrible thing to keep in your feelings because you are afraid that the object of your affection will ridicule or abuse you because of your love for them. That wasn't a kind of love that he wanted - someone who would treat him badly because he had given love to them; that was a horrible, horrible thing for him to even think about, and it tortured him to keep in.

But Ikkaku was special, he was worthy of his love, and he knew deep in his heart that Ikkaku would never abuse him if he told him he loved him. He might not like it, and he might even be mildly revolted by it, but Ikkaku would never be angry or shout at him because of something like that. Love was a beautiful thing, and Ikkaku would never turn on him because of that, even if he didn't return his feelings.

Those visions had been nothing more than delusional nightmarish fantasies, and didn't even hold a candle to the actual possibilities, and Yumichika realized it now. He knew that these stupid fears of his were irrational, and had been blown out of proportion by this idiotic fear demon.

He wanted to make Ikkaku proud; he wanted to be brave and strong and worthy of Ikkaku's attention and affection. He couldn't let this brutal attack against him control his life - he couldn't let his secrets rule him or torture him any longer. He would not die with unspoken words on his lips.

This would not destroy him. He would rise from these ashes like a phoenix, like the beautiful bird that slept within his soul.

Yumichika was going to live.

And suddenly, the lights came on, and everything was clear. Ikkaku was there in front of him. All that was left was to gather his courage and speak his mind.

* * *

All of a sudden, Kenpachi's words made complete sense to Ikkaku, because everything that had been happening had been revolving around horror, around fear. What did he fear? What did he fear that had to do with his conjuring demon? Yumichika dying? No.

 _Losing_  Yumichika.

All of his visions had had to do with losing him somehow, and even thinking about it got him scared deep in his bones; he knew it was irrational - Yumichika was normally strong enough to take care of himself, and he was completely loyal to him and would never leave him voluntarily, but still, he was frozen up, letting this fear control his actions, letting the worry eat at him and rot his courage away. He knew that Yumichika was in danger somewhere, he might lose Yumichika.

That was it. Kill his fear.

He was slicing through menos with every step as he raced towards the rubble of the fourth division barracks. He started saying it quietly to himself, working it out in his head, "I won't lose him – not to Hisagi, not to anyone, not to another squad! Not to death! He's always with me! He's in my heart!" he shouted, blood spraying from his spear's wake of destruction.

"Fear might not die, but neither does love! Even if it's fucking sappy as hell, that's something you can't take from me! Never! _I'm not afraid!_ "

He could feel the fear slip away, and a kind of darkness left him – he could consciously feel the spell break as some sort of yellow lightning blast whooshed out from his yari and seeped into the ground.

It crackled in the air around him for a few seconds longer before the tension built and shot outwards, hitting all the menos around him. Ikkaku stumbled, getting a large brain rush that kept his vision black for almost a full ten seconds.

When he could see again, there was Yumichika, coming out of the darkness, some sort of black tattered fabric sweeping over him and out of being like a bird's wing being spread.

"Yumichika," he gasped, falling to his knees in the puddles of blood strewn over the paved streets. Yumichika crawled towards him, a little disoriented at the sudden change in surroundings. "Yumichika, tell me- Tell me what you're keeping in, you're running out of time."

Yumichika was breathing heavily, struggling to stay upright. Ikkaku drew closer, taking his shoulders. He gasped for air, shaking his head wildly. "You don't have to be afraid, okay? Nothing you could say could ever, ever make me do that to you. I won't hate you, I'll understand, I promise you.  _I promise you_. Don't be scared."

Yumichika had blood on his face, and Ikkaku could feel how weak he had become, how frail and sickly he was after the recent attack. "I… Ikkaku… I need… strength," he begged. Ikkaku awkwardly tried to force his reiatsu around Yumichika - it had always taken him great effort to control.

Yumichika choked and coughed when it was too much, doubling over so far that his forehead almost touched the ground. "I have no energy… I'm in pain," he whispered, keening in agony. Ikkaku scrabbled over him, trying to pull him towards him to help him sit up.

"Well, well, well. Are you working up the courage, little peacock?" came a slimy voice. Yumichika stopped moving, not exactly frozen up as if he was scared; just motionless. Ikkaku could see no fear in his eyes, just indifference.

Ikkaku looked up at the thing, glaring with deep hatred that he had never felt an equal to - Yumichika ignored it completely. He tried to grapple against Ikkaku's chest, trying to pull himself upwards.

"Ikkaku, I have something to tell you," Yumichika said in a wispy voice, clinging to the front layers of his uniform, trying to get Ikkaku's attention back on him again. "Help me get up, and give me my sword."

Ikkaku looked at him warily, knowing full well that Yumichika had no strength to stand, let alone fight, but the look in his eyes was so determined, so brave, that Ikkaku didn't want to crush his spirit - so he conceded and took his hand, helping him to stand, holding his arm, ready to catch him if he suddenly collapsed. He unhooked Yumichika's zanpakutou from his belt and handed it to him.

Yumichika took a half step, almost falling down again as he turned to the fear Arrancar. Ikkaku saw for a split-second before Yumichika turned his back on him, the hate-filled shadowed expression on Yumichika's face. "Hm, hm, hm, so brave, my dear. Are you gonna' kill me, sweetheart? I'm shaking in my boots," it cackled.

"You have no power over me," Yumichika whispered raspily, knees wobbling. With great effort he sunk down into a battle stance, holding his sword behind him. "I've spent too many nights brooding over you, and you won't control my life anymore. I can kill fear, and you're going to leave me alone. You're going to go."

Even Ikkaku was surprised by Yumichika's guts. The intense waves of reiatsu rolling off of the beast were causing horror to curl in the bottom of his stomach, and he felt a strong desire to curl up into a ball or just tear ass outta' there, which was something he'd never felt on the battlefield before. This energy seemed to be the embodiment of terror.

But Yumichika didn't look afraid - he didn't seem to be affected by it. The only problem he was having was the injuries he had sustained.

The Arrancar just smiled a little, and Ikkaku's stomach clenched. "Ikkaku," Yumichika said without turning to look at him. "I want you to watch me, and don't look away for a second. This is what has shamed me for so long. I'm not what you think I am."

"I'm watching, Yumichika." Ikkaku was surprised to hear his voice quaver. This terrifying reiatsu was getting to him; he really felt like running away. He was scared and he couldn't explain why. "I'm watching."

Yumichika raised his sword higher in a battle stance, holding his other arm out for balance. "Sakikurue," he said softly, and Ikkaku's eyes popped open at the burst of bright light emitting from Yumichika's whole form. His reiatsu was changing…

He was glowing. Had Yumichika achieved bankai?

No… that reiatsu, it felt… somewhat similar to Hinamori's… there was something light and almost… a glimmering feeling that Ikkaku didn't feel often inside his own squad.

It was the tight focused energy that it took to use kidou.

"Ruri'iro Kujaku," Yumichika said without a hint of fear, not turning to look at Ikkaku. The multicolored vines of Yumichika's sword reached out in something Ikkaku almost saw as ire and wrapped around the Arrancar's still form. He could've sworn that he heard some voice shrieking, a voice that sounded similar to Yumichika's, but more powerful and rage-filled.

This, what he was looking at right now, was Yumichika's soul - he could feel it in his very being. This was Yumichika's truth, his secret, his naked confession.

It was absolutely beautiful.

The Arrancar just laughed, even as its head snapped back from a blow from one of the blades. Its voice projected louder and louder, until it had drawn many of the attentions of the surrounding soldiers. The laughter was chilling Ikkaku to the core and sending shivers up his spine, but Yumichika still stood there like a warrior.

Then he stumbled, strength puttering out. Yumichika's bravery flickered to horror in a split second as the Arrancar's appearance began to shift into Ikkaku's likeness.

"Don't kill me… Yumichika, what are you doing? I thought you loved me," the thing whispered in Ikkaku's voice. Yumichika stared, stark white for a moment, faltering.

Ikkaku saw the strength leaving him and it couldn't; this couldn't be over. He understood that this was Yumichika's final test, and it was absolute torture for him, it went against everything in Yumichika's being. How could he kill the man he had devoted his life to?

Ikkaku remembered what he had said. Yumichika needed him to lend him strength.

There was a moment of silence before somewhere in the background, Renji shouted some encouragement. "You can do it, Yumichika!"

"Yumichika-Senpai, don't lose!"

"You can do it!"

"Go-go Yun-Yun! Cut open his head like a pinata!"

"I believe in you, Yumichika," Ikkaku said, and he could feel his captain unleashing his reiatsu.

"Kill that bastard!" Zaraki shouted.

Yumichika could do this, Yumichika was strong and brave, and this wouldn't destroy him. He wouldn't lose. He couldn't. Yumichika was his little fighter and always had been. "YOU GOT THIS, YUMICHIKA!"

Yumichika took a shuddering breath and looked like he was in tears as he stared at Ikkaku's clone. For one single moment, Yumichika seemed to break, holding out a hand as if he wanted to wipe the blood from Ikkaku's forehead. With a tearful sob, he withdrew without touching him, tightening his grip on his sword, and the flowers bloomed.

Ikkaku just stood back, watching in wonder at what a beautiful display Yumichika's sword possessed. It was kidou, wasn't it? That was what Yumichika had worried about. It was a kidou sword, and Yumichika had listened to him and the captain bash kidou for decades. Yumichika had a kidou-base sword.

It seemed like such an insignificant problem after all of this.

Yumichika caught one of the lilies on the tip of his middle finger, and brought it to his mouth. Immediately his stance grew stronger, his breathing a little less labored and his gaze more hardened and determined, like the fighter Ikkaku had always known him to be. Holy shit, Yumichika could fucking eat his enemies life-force. No wonder Shuuhei never wanted to talk about that time they'd fought.

The vines withdrew and the body fell to its knees. Yumichika strolled forward almost leisurely, barring his limp, and changed his zanpakutou back to its half-shikai.

"Ikkaku."

The corpse lifted its eyes to Yumichika, and the true Ikkaku answered him, "Yeah… What is it?"

"I'm in love with you," Yumichika whispered almost shamefully, before he crouched and sliced the copy's head from its shoulders with his blades.

With a gigantic blast of teal lighting, everyone within a hundred yard radius was blasted off of their feet – the menos dissipated under the force, and the sonic boom alerted many residents of the high Rukongai of their battle.

After a few seconds of settling silence and dust, many people groaned and swore, picking themselves up and rubbing their heads.

Ikkaku coughed, pushing some pieces of rubble off his chest, hacking up some dust as he stumbled to his feet. Looking around, he saw his captain getting up off the ground, observing the surroundings. Zaraki unhooked Yachiru from one of the still-standing roofs onto which she had been thrown.

Eventually his eyes met the person he was looking for – Yumichika, who was still standing through the explosion, shoulders slumped, breathing difficult.

Ikkaku slowly made his way over to him, still coughing in the dusty air. Yumichika's sword fell to the ground with a clatter, and Yumichika's knees buckled. Ikkaku grabbed him by the upper arms and hugged him to his hard chest, stroking his hair. "I got ya'… Ya' did it, it's all over."

Yumichika didn't say anything and simply closed his eyes, going lax and letting Ikkaku hold him for much longer than necessary. Ikkaku didn't break away either, holding his head to his chest, rubbing his back. "That was really brave, I'm proud a' ya'… Let's… Let's go…" He meant to suggest that they go seek medical attention, but the hospital was in ruins, and the other option was Kurotsuchi's labs, and  _no_.

Yumichika spoke then, "I can see the paperwork for all of this, and I don't like what I see." Ikkaku blinked, and then began laughing so hard that he couldn't stop.

Yumichika smiled sadly, panting from exertion, only held up from where Ikkaku was gripping his arms. When Ikkaku realized that he was slumping to the ground, he hefted him up further, helping him stand. "Let's go home, okay? I'll make ya' a cake."

Yumichika smiled a little. "Letting me down easy?"

Ikkaku grabbed his chin and kissed him. The shocked expression on Yumichika's face was something he teased him about for years.

* * *

Of course, making love wasn't something Yumichika would be able to do for a long time - He still wasn't healed, and the mental damage would obviously haunt him for years to come.

But despite the phantom Ikkaku who'd abused him so, Yumichika grew even more attached to the genuine one, clinging to him in his sleep and snuggling him during the day, always looking for something nice to do for him - such as making lunch or warming up the bath water for him.

Because Damnit - He'd earned Ikkaku, he'd won against his fear, and he'd never let something like that rule him again. No more secrets... except for his real age.

Ikkaku - who had problems with intimacy as well - was slowly working up courage to ask Yumichika to try to do more and more with him, to slowly replace the bad memories with new ones, because he loved sleeping with Yumichika next to him at night, and he knew that they were meant to be together.

And maybe somewhere along the line, he'd ask Yumichika to marry him too.

* * *

~Fin~


End file.
